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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27314185">After</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/palebird/pseuds/palebird'>palebird</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, New York City, OTP: Hang in there Dominick, OTP: I am looking out for Rollins, OTP: I just want her to happy, Rollisi, Romantic Fluff, Some Humor, flangst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 20:55:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>37,553</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27314185</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/palebird/pseuds/palebird</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Post 21x10 the aftermath/fall out of Amanda's kidnapping leads Sonny to take it upon himself to take care of her. Set in an AU what would have happened from Carisi looking out for Rollins.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. &amp; Amanda Rollins, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. &amp; Jesse Rollins, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>159</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Friday, November 22<sup>nd</sup></strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Amanda’s adrenaline rush was wearing off and she started to feel pure exhaustion from the whole ordeal. The car was silent. Sonny didn’t ask if she was OK. Because he knew by her breakdown in the elevator - <em>she was not</em>.</p><p>Sonny knew that Hadid would most likely be waking up to the news of Getz’s arrest. He was sure there would be a long conservation at the DA’s office. And like most things with Hadid, it would probably be as enjoyable as a root canal…</p><p>He knew it had gone <em>against</em> agency protocol to meet ransom demands, and she would most likely tell him that he had set a dangerous precedent for vigilante justice copycats. <em>Hadid</em> <em>would also be pissed he went behind her back to do it. </em></p><p> “Thank you,” Rollins says breaking the oppressive silence, she knows in the back of her mind he has risked his career and Hadid’s good graces to bring her home.</p><p>“No problem,” he says, he wishes he could tell her that he would do it all again in a heartbeat.  …<em>Because he would</em>.</p><p>It has haunted Sonny since Amanda disappeared that she never really answered his question that day they argued in front of everyone at the station.  “Are we good?” he asks, a little afraid of her answer. He can’t handle the possibility that she would still be mad at him right now… not after he just got her back. For a moment, she is quiet and contemplative. </p><p>“We’re good,” she says quietly, looking out the window.</p><p>He has tried to keep his mind out of the possibility of what <em>could have</em> happened for the last 24 hours. Focusing all his energy on meeting Bucci’s demands and putting Getz where he belonged. But his mind is starting to wander to darker places.</p><p>If anything had happened to Amanda…</p><p>He would have never been able to forgive himself.  It had been <strong>his case </strong>that had caused Bucci's breakdown. He breathes a sigh of relief, as though he’s been unable to exhale for the last 24 hours. “I could <strong>kill</strong> him,” he says, thinking out loud. His hand was in a deathlike grip on the wheel.</p><p>He immediately regrets saying it because now, it would be considered <em>premeditated</em> he thinks humorlessly to himself. Amanda looks over at him, her eyes still red and puffy from when she broke down in the elevator.</p><p>She’s taken back, by the way, he says it – <em>as though he actually means it</em>. Amanda so rarely saw Sonny angry. “I would have done the same thing as Bucci,” she says.</p><p>He shakes his head, “You know better. You can’t take justice into your own hands; that’s why we have a legal system.”</p><p>“Yeah, but the legal system <em>allowed</em> his daughter’s rapist to go free. If you want to be angry with anyone, it should be with Getz-”<br/><br/>“I can’t be…” he snaps, “Getz wasn’t the person who had a gun pointed at your head.” That made all the difference in his mind. Getz was a pedophile and a monster in his own right. But he wasn’t the person who had threatened her life.</p><p>Amanda sees by the large circles under his eyes he probably hasn’t slept. He cannot be thinking rationally.</p><p>“Sonny, if it had been Jesse on that boat with Getz. What would you have done?”</p><p>“That’s not fair…” he says, hurt, “…to pull the Jesse card.” Amanda knows how much he adores her. If anyone hurt <em>his Jesse</em>, it wasn’t even comprehensible. He swallows, sighing she’s right, of course. He probably would have killed Getz with his bare hands and felt justified to do it.</p><p>“You get it?” she asks him.  He nods in understanding.</p><p>“I don’t want Bucci to go to jail over this; his girls have been through enough… we sort of talked during everything, and he’s a nice guy.”  She had gotten more from talking with Bucci than she did from three weeks of therapy with a trained professional.</p><p>“Amanda- he’s not getting away with this scot-free. Even if the state didn’t charge him, the feds would for transporting you across state lines, and you know it.”</p><p>She shrugs, “Then cut a deal.”</p><p>“Hadid is not going to allow that. You’re an NYPD officer, and we can’t have a situation where another parent goes rogue and decides to kidnap someone involved in their kid’s case.”</p><p>Amanda snorts, “And what you’re one of her little minions now?” She looks back out the window, murmuring, “<em>What has that place done to you?</em>”</p><p>“This has <strong><em>nothing</em></strong> to do with the DA’s office,” he snaps back.</p><p>“You would normally be the first person to advocate for justice rather than vengeance,” she says, looking into Sonny’s eyes because it’s <em>the truth</em>. Sonny was always the most empathetic person at SVU, sometimes to a fault, the first person that convinced her that there was a difference between the two.  “We’ve given deals to far worse criminals than a guy trying to be a loving father,” she says reasonably.</p><p>He lets out a huff, looking away from her. “This is different….” Sonny bites his lip. He doesn’t want to say it.</p><p>“<em>How</em>!?” she pushes back. He bites her lip harder.</p><p>“Figures,” she says, holding her arms across her chest.</p><p>But she pushed him too far. </p><p>“Because it was you!” <em>there he said.</em> He wonders if he has developed Amanda’s annoying habit of saying something without directly saying it. After trying to not care about her – he still cares.</p><p>He still loves her.</p><p>He has never stopped.</p><p>And he could have actually <strong>lost</strong> her…. Amanda looks at him shocked as she realizes what he is admitting to her. Sonny shakes his head, miserably “I don’t want to argue.”</p><p>“Neither do I,” she says. She wonders if she should tell him that she thought about him, along with Jesse and Billie. That she misses him. That she worried about what would happen to him if something actually happened to her. She wonders why she is so messed up inside that she can’t tell him that she cares about him too.</p><p>Sonny swallows a lump in his throat as he sits at a stoplight.</p><p>Lost in his own thoughts.</p><p>“I’ll try to see what I can do at the DA’s office,” he says quietly, he cannot make her any promises and he knows Hadid will try to cause him a headache for stepping on her toes.</p><p>But he doesn’t want to put Amanda through a trial if it can be avoided and he knows Amanda doesn’t want punishment for Bucci for trying to protect his daughters.</p><p>He feels a warmth down on his fingertips, feeling her hand slip through his hand. The only time she had allowed him to hold her hand was when she was in labor. She has never held his hand for no reason at all.</p><p>“Thank you” she gently says her fingers locked around his.</p><p>Sonny sadly smiles.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Once they reach her apartment, they sit silently in the car. He turns off the engine. “Olivia is going to have an unmarked car watch your apartment.”</p><p>He doesn’t want to leave her. “Maybe I can make you and the girls’ breakfast?” he asks. He’s never made her breakfast before. He’s always wanted to…</p><p>She shakes her head “I don’t want to freak out the girls more than they already are and I’m probably going to crash.”<br/><br/>Sonny nods. “Maybe another time.” Amanda notices the change in his tone, how his eyes fall. He wants to ask her if can walk her to her apartment door but decides against it.</p><p>“I’ll let you know how arraignment goes.”</p><p>Amanda nods, trying to decipher why he seems so melancholy... Why she feels so sad too. “I’ll see you,” she says getting out of the car realizing how cliché it sounds, she pauses “Thank you for everything… <strong><em>really." </em></strong></p><p>“Anything for you Amanda.”</p><p>Sonny watches her intensely as she crosses the street and she goes to her apartment’s building door.</p><p>That feeling in the pit of his stomach returns as he watches her go.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <strong>MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE</strong>
</p><p><strong>Friday, November 22<sup>nd   </sup></strong> <strong>100 CENTRE STREET</strong></p><p> </p><p>Dominick Carisi’s nerves were still on edge as soon as Amanda was out of his sight. He couldn’t sleep or eat his stomach in anxious knots. His meeting with Hadid was going better than, expected on a scale from 1 to 10 in terms of arguing. <strong>It was a solid 7</strong>.</p><p>“I think we should offer a deal.”</p><p>“<em><strong>Really</strong></em>?!? You went behind my back Councilor Carisi – “<br/><br/>“That wasn’t <em>my idea</em>…” his hands up defensively, as Hadid sits behind her desk. He sits down in the chair across from her.</p><p>“We can’t allow every deranged individual to kidnap someone involved in their case just because they don’t like a verdict…”</p><p>“I don’t disagree with that. But we’re talking about <em>one person</em>… Frank Bucci.”</p><p>He can tell he is already losing Hadid. Sonny lets out a sigh, “Look this whole thing is an embarrassment for the department, it’s an embarrassment to the DA’s office. The press is going to catch wind of this story, and once they do… Bucci is going to very a sympathetic character in the media. A father whose daughter was raped and went off the deep end. You cannot get better television than that.”</p><p>Hadid looks away from him stoic. “What about unlawful imprisonment?” he suggests.</p><p>“What?!?” she says in disbelief.<br/><br/>“Look Detective Rollins is my ex-partner and…” he sighs “ I want to see this guy suffer.” …<em>He really did</em>.  </p><p>“But she told me in confidence that she is not going to support the DA’s office pursuing charges.”</p><p>Sonny didn’t say it out loud, but he had no intention of calling Amanda as a hostile witness.</p><p>He had made it up in his mind before entering that room, that he would resign as ADA before he ever does that. He could tell by Hadid’s look she didn’t care about what Amanda wanted.</p><p><em>He knew what Hadid cared about</em>.</p><p>“It will be <strong>terrible press…</strong>” he emphasizes “…for the DA’s office if we have a cop, who is also <em>the victim</em> that feels the preparator was justified in his actions. Believe me, the defense attorney will use that to his advantage.”</p><p>Hadid perked up, nodding. She looks at him with a warning “If you ever go behind my back again –“<br/><br/>“It won’t happen again” Carisi calmly says.  Reminding himself…</p><p>…<em>Anything for Amanda</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Friday, November 22nd</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>DETECTIVE AMANDA ROLLINS APARTMENT</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Friday, November 22<sup>nd</sup> 355 WEST 117<sup>th</sup> STREET</strong>
</p><p>Amanda Rollins was <em>fine</em>. Or as fine as you could be after you had a gun pointed at your head and had been held against your will.</p><p>She rationalized with herself that she knew Frank Bucci <strong>deep down</strong> was completely harmless. He was just a father who had a brief moment of insanity because he loved his daughters. She could strangely even admire that type of devotion.</p><p>But she still felt uneasy.</p><p>When she hears a knock at the door, she jumps. “Are you OK, Momma?” Jesse asks as they were snuggled on the couch watching Toy Story together. “Yeah.”</p><p>Amanda goes to the door with trepidation and checks the peephole. Sonny. <em>Counselor Carisi</em> is standing outside her apartment door.</p><p>She looks down at her NYPD t-shirt, which has baby food stains on it, her hair is in a messy bun, and she’s wearing her baggy sweats. She wonders if she should change. She must look awful. But this again is <em>just Sonny</em>. She opens the door.</p><p>“I just came from arraignment,” Sonny says, standing there. His hair is slicked back unnaturally. “Hadid is willing to make a plea deal with Bucci for one-year unlawful imprisonment,” he says businesslike.</p><p>Amanda smiles quietly, “What did you have to do to get her to agree to that...blood oath? Human sacrifice?” she jokes. Carisi shakes his head, laughing quietly. He smiles, “The art of persuasion and my charming personality.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“Anytime.” <em>He means it.</em></p><p>“Are you here to do a welfare check?” she asks jokingly, leaning across her doorframe. “I’m OK.” Sonny swallows. <em>She’s not OK.</em> But he knows better than to argue with her.</p><p>“What are your plans tonight?”<br/>
<br/>
“Staying home and feeling sort of miserable.”<br/>
<br/>
“Want some company?” He swallows with a sad smile on his face, “I can make you dinner and maybe watch some crappy reality TV once the girls go to bed.”</p><p>She looks down and sees he has a brown bag of groceries next to him.</p><p>She realized Sonny wasn’t checking up on her.</p><p>He was telling her that he wanted to spend time with her.</p><p>Sonny’s stomach is tied up in knots, and he wonders if it was a stupid idea. He should have asked first. But he never had to wait for an invitation before.</p><p>“Misery loves company…” Amanda says as she lets him in. Carisi picks up the bag of groceries and smiles. As soon as he is inside, he notices how she immediately closes every lock and moves the door handle to check to see that the lock works.</p><p>It has been so long since he’s been at her place he takes in the changes, the new artwork on the fridge. Tiny things that have been rearranged, new photos in frames – mainly of Jesse and Billie. Amanda takes the brown bag and places it in the kitchen, and begins to put the contents away.</p><p>“Is baked ziti alright for dinner?” he asks, as he takes off his coat and rolls up his sleeves before helping her put away the items.</p><p>“Yeah, that sounds good” she would be happy with anything he cooked.</p><p>“You don’t have to do this.” Amanda realizes that she’s no longer his partner, and taking care of her is no longer his responsibility. <em>If she’s really honest with herself, it has never been his responsibility.</em></p><p>Carisi’s brows furrow. “I want to. It has been a while since I had a homecooked meal.” He wants to blame it on long nights at the DA’s office. But the truth is he no longer had a family to prepare a meal for. At least not since things became awkward between them. “How are you doing?” he asks her.</p><p>“I just want to get back to work. Liv has me on the NYPD’s mandatory three-day traumatic event leave policy.” She rolls her eyes. “I can’t even have my gun back.” Sonny sympathetically nods; he can tell she is irritated by the tone in her voice. “Have you gotten any sleep?”<br/>
<br/>
“Not a whole lot. Jesse is going through a monster phase, and I gave Sienna the day off…” she explained, as she puts groceries away. She sighed, exhausted, “…And my mother called while I was trying to nap.”<br/>
<br/>
“So I take it we’re drinking tonight?” he says as he unloads a bottle of wine.</p><p>“Uncle Sonny!” Jesse shouts as soon as she sees him. She runs towards him, and Sonny picks her up in his arms. “I missed you!” she says.</p><p>“I missed you too. You’ve gotten taller. What are you thirty-three now?” he jokes.</p><p>Jesse laughs. “I’m three,” she says, holding up three little-fingers. She smiles as she plays with Sonny's tie. “Your mommy told me there is a monster that is bothering you?”<br/>
<br/>
“He’s in my closet.” She whispers in his ear, “He only comes out when there are no grown-ups.”</p><p>He nods in understanding, “I’ll take care of him.” He turns to Amanda, “Why don’t you go relax, and I’ll take care of the girls for a little bit. Maybe try to take a nap…”<br/>
<br/>
“OK,” she says, amazed by how comfortable they seem together. Sonny hasn’t seen Jesse in several months, but it is as though no time has passed.</p><p>“Oh, Amanda – “he says softly, setting Jesse down. “I need your badge.” She looks at him curiously. “<em>Official police business</em>. I’m going to arrest the monster in Jesse’s closet,” he explains.</p>
<hr/><p>Amanda must have slept for two hours. She wakes up after hearing laughter coming from the living room.</p><p>Sonny has Billie on his knee, and Jesse is playing Candy Land. Both of the girls are dressed in their pajamas. She’s disappointed when she realizes she must have missed dinner.</p><p>But the whole apartment smells wonderful. Sonny has taken his tie off, and his shirt is untucked. He looks more like the Carisi she remembers then, Counselor Carisi.</p><p>Jesse is winning at Candy Land, or Sonny is letting her win by pretending not to understand his colors. All to Jesse’s amusement her little hands, covering her face as she giggles. By the look on his face, Sonny seems to be enjoying it just as much as Jesse.</p><p>“You cheater that’s purple!” he says in mock indignation.</p><p>“No, it’s yellow…Uncle Sonny,” Jesse says, rolling on the floor laughing. He has always had the ability to leave Amanda in awe at how effortless he makes it look.</p><p>Sonny turns around and looks over at Amanda.</p><p>“I’m sorry I slept so long...”<br/>
<br/>
“It’s OK. I kept dinner heated in the oven,” he says as he hands Billie, who is sucking the side of her fist to Amanda gently touching her still bald head. “You didn’t have to do that,” she says.</p><p>“Uncle Sonny said you needed a nap,” Jesse says quietly shrugging, “We had a snack.” Amanda goes over to the kitchen doorway, watching as Sonny takes the ziti out of the oven.</p><p>“I helped grate the cheese,” Jesse says proudly, hopping. Her hair is pulled back in a French braid. “It’s an Elsa braid,” Jesse explains. Amanda tugs at it, looking up at Sonny. “I have three-sisters,” he explains. <em>Of course, he knew how to do hair. </em>Amanda sets the baby down in her highchair.</p><p>“I take it you watched Frozen while I slept?” Amanda seems amused. She had been trying to watch <em>anything but</em> Frozen with Jesse. “I think Jesse has all the songs nearly memorized,” he said with a smile as he cut into the ziti.</p><p>He gives the silverware to Jesse to set the table as Amanda pours their wine.</p><p>They all sit around the table. His hand reaches over Amanda's, “Let me do it” he says reaching for baby’s bowl.<br/>
<br/>
Amanda shakes her head in protest.</p><p>“Rollins have a hot meal for once…” he pleads. “Thanks,” she whispers, putting a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. <em>She has missed this. Missed his help.</em></p><p>“Where do monsters go once, they get arrested?” Jesse asks Sonny as she chews on her ziti, it haphazardly on her fork.</p><p>“Rikers Island”, he says matter-of-factly looking over at Amanda amused by his own answer. Amanda realizes he must have arrested the monster in Jesse’s closet.</p><p><em>She imagines Sonny treating the monster in Jesse’s closet as though it is a real perpetrator. Sonny yelling ‘Alright come up with your hands up! No more scaring little girls.’</em> <em>He probably even read the monster his Miranda rights.</em></p><p>“He’s going away for a long time so don’t worry about him bothering you tonight.” Jesse nods, as Amanda sips her wine. Sonny giving her a wink.</p><p>“Mommy will you be here if I get up?”</p><p>Amanda drops her fork she knows that she must have not been here last night. She worries about how scared Jesse must have been. Sonny looks between the two of them. Amanda's look of remorse on her face causes his heart to ache. <em>She would have been here if it weren’t for Bucci</em>. She looks like she’s about to cry. “Baby I am so-“<br/>
<br/>
“Hey, Jess,” Sonny says as he stops feeding the baby, interrupting Amanda’s apology. “Your mom is kind of like a superhero sometimes when it’s late, she has to go help people…”<br/>
<br/>
Jesse looks transfixed to him and then at her mom, “Like Captain Marvel?” she asks him, her eyes wide in wonder as she chews on the ziti.</p><p>“Yeah, kind of like that. Last night there was a man who had two little girls and he needed your mom… your mom helped him because he was sad and scared.”</p><p>“She’s good at that” Jesse says.</p><p>“Yeah, she is…” he said with something akin to pride. Sonny had read Amanda’s witness statement during his lunch hour and he knew Amanda had saved Bucci from himself. “Sometimes superheroes have to leave even when they don’t want to.”</p><p>Jesse nods in understanding. “My mommy is a superhero.”<em> Amanda wonders if Jesse will start looking in her closet for a superhero cape.</em><br/>
<br/>
“You betcha,” Sonny says. Amanda looks over at him amazed, as she tries to regain her composure, his hand gently squeezes the top of hers on the table.</p><p>He then changes the subject to Jesse’s favorite things to do at school, who her best friends are. Jesse gives him every little detail. Tells him the name of her teacher and the little boy who teases her. He shakes his head, “I’ll have to talk with him. What kind of name is <em>Milton </em>anyway?”<br/>
<br/>
“Sonny he’s three” Amanda chides him.</p><p>“You have to teach them how to be little gentlemen young” he responds.</p><p>Jesse shows him how she can count to 22. She sings her ABCs to him and Sonny acts like she’s a genius. He tells her how proud he is of her. The whole time, Amanda watches in amazement at how easy and natural it all feels.</p><p>Amanda thought she had lost him to the DA’s office. He dresses differently. But she realizes he’s still <em>her Sonny</em> the one that fights off monsters from children’s closets, the one that would come by to check on a friend whether they wanted it or not, and the one who doesn’t judge her even when she has a shirt covered in baby food.</p><p>Billie babbles as Sonny puts some ziti noodles on her highchair tray. She grabs the noodles with her big baby hands, bringing them to her face. He smiles, laughing to himself, “She looks just like Jesse…”</p><p>“Mommy says that too.”</p><p>“You had more hair, though,” he says, looking at Jesse.</p><p>“You played with me as a baby?” Jesse asks, amazed.</p><p>“Of course, he did. He’s been your uncle your whole life,” Amanda says to Jesse, gently wiping marinara sauce off the little girl’s chin. Sonny finally takes a bite of his ziti, looking over at the Rollins girls.</p><p>Sonny had helped take care of Amanda after her C-Section when she couldn’t care for herself, let alone a newborn. He had spent hours with Rollins trying to get Jesse to sleep through the night - <em>to Ferberize her.</em> He had even spent a Saturday baby-proofing Amanda's small apartment just to make sure Jesse was safe once she started crawling.</p><p>Looking at Jesse, he reminds himself whatever happened or <em>didn’t happen</em> between him and Amanda; it had all been worth it. “Why are you looking at me like that?” asks Jesse.</p><p> “Because you’re so pretty,” he says sweetly to her. Jesse giggles. He looks over at Amanda. Her eyes catch him glancing at her. For once, she doesn’t appear oblivious to it. She doesn’t look away. She smiles back at him.</p><p>Jesse sticks a piece of broccoli in her mouth, looking between the both of them. “Is mommy pretty too?” she asks him.</p><p>Sonny shakes his head, embarrassed. “Yeah, your mother is beautiful too...”</p><p>Jesse mischievously smiles, kicking her little feet.</p>
<hr/><p>Sonny agrees to wash up as Amanda puts the girls to bed. She enjoys reading them a story and watching them snuggle into their beds safe and warm. As she turns to leave, Jesse stops her saying, “I missed Uncle Sonny.”</p><p>“Me too,” Amanda admits quietly to her daughter as she turns off the light. She closes the door behind her and makes her way to the kitchen, seeing the pile of dishes and wine glasses still on the counter. Sonny is standing in front of the sink, and his sleeves are rolled up even further.</p><p>“The drain is clogging,” he says, frustrated—the water in the sink intermingling with their evening meal.</p><p>Amanda lets out a sigh, “You got to reach your hand in there and move it around a bit.” Carisi looks over at her with an expression that says ‘<em>really</em>.’ “I’ve emailed the building super about it twice <strong>and </strong>called.”</p><p>He runs his hand through his hair, sighing, “Do you have a toolkit?”</p><p>“Underneath the bathroom sink,” He leaves and returns with it in a matter of minutes. “You don’t have that to do that...” she says with an exasperated sigh.</p><p>He shrugs, “Rollins, with what this place charges you for rent, you really should have a dishwasher.”</p><p>Sonny had spent years trying to convince her the rent in Manhattan was too high and to move to Brooklyn. <em>Which was true, but he also wanted her and the girls closer to him.</em></p><p>He unbuttons his white shirt and takes it off.</p><p>“What are you doing?! You’re half-naked,” she says at the realization he is shirtless in her kitchen. She closes her eyes and quickly turns around.</p><p>“Sorry, it’s a good shirt,” he explains as he throws it over by her fridge.</p><p>She shakes her head. “I’ll go get you another shirt.” He rolls his eyes amused. Amanda goes to the dresser in her room and quickly comes back out.</p><p>“Here-” she says, handing him a t-shirt. Sonny looks down at the t-shirt; it’s clear it doesn’t belong to her. It’s a man’s shirt and several sizes too big.</p><p>Sonny tries not to be bothered by it. Up until this point, it has been such a great night. But he can’t help but imagine someone over at Amanda’s place, <em>with her</em> while Jesse and Billie sleep in the next room.</p><p>He doesn’t ask. He would never ask her.</p><p>But Amanda sees the question in his eyes.</p><p>“It’s Nick’s,” she says, folding her arms across her chest explaining. “I just never gave it back. I haven’t seen him since before Jesse was born.” Sonny wonders why she feels the need to explain herself to him. <em>She never has before</em>.</p><p>She tries to not look at his bare chest, but her eyes unintentionally linger... it is the most she has ever seen of him.</p><p>Amanda steps back from him as she turns around so he can put it on. He wonders if he should be embarrassed, he’s probably scrawnier than other guys she has seen ‘<em>half-naked</em>’ in her apartment before. “I’m decent,” he says as he goes underneath her sink.</p><p>Amanda turns around to watch him.</p><p>He finishes the job quickly; just like <em>everything else</em>, he does it well. “I think I tightened the loose screw. It shouldn’t leak or back up your drain now.” He turns on the water and checks under the sink just to be sure.</p><p>“Thanks,” Amanda says, going over to the dishes on the counter to begin washing them. Sonny washes his face and hands, drying himself on a nearby dishtowel. She looks over at him.</p><p>“Something wrong?” he asks quietly, sensing the change in the atmosphere in the room. “<em>No</em>,” she says, shaking her head.</p><p>She wonders if he knows.</p><p>“You’re kind of good looking…” She shakes her head, unable to believe she admitted that out loud. She laughs at herself, “What I meant -”</p><p>But Sonny knows what she meant by it. “Thanks ‘Manda,” he smirks, trying to contain his amusement.</p><p>“Anytime.”</p>
<hr/><p>Amanda and Sonny sit beside each other on the couch, watching some of that notoriously bad TV she loves. Sonny does his best to feign interest, but he’s purely watching it because he knows Amanda enjoys it.</p><p>Amanda’s head leans on his shoulder. She could blame it easily on the exhaustion from her ordeal, or the red wine, or that she was being generous trying to share her bowl of popcorn with him.</p><p>But the truth is Amanda wants him close to her. His head somehow ends up resting on top of hers, naturally. She doesn’t fight it as it feels oddly soothing to know he’s just there with her. Occasionally his hand reaches for the same piece of popcorn, as Franny curiously questions Sonny with her eyes as he sits in her spot.</p><p>They both fall asleep awkwardly. Sonny sleeping upright with Amanda, curled awkwardly at his side.</p>
<hr/><p>Sometime around Three AM, Sonny hears Amanda cry. He opens his eyes, his brain in a fog from falling asleep upright. “Rollins,” he says, physically feeling her body shake and quiver with fear.</p><p>“’Manda” he repeats her nickname anxiously. He can tell she is lost in her nightmare, and her eyes are clenched shut. His heart aching at the sight of it as her body is wracked with sobs.</p><p>He would do anything to save her from one more moment of sorrow...</p><p>He gently tries to bring her out of it; he rubs her arms, trying to wake her up. She slowly opens her eyes, bloodshot. “Sonny?” she says as though she cannot believe he is <em>still there</em>.</p><p>“Hey. It’s OK. It was just a bad dream,” he says comfortingly as he gently caresses her hair. His chin still resting on top of her head. Her body trembles as he holds her. Her whole frame vibrating from the nightmare. “It was just a bad dream.”</p><p>Slowly she comes out of it as she grabs onto the t-shirt she gave him earlier when he was fixing her sink. Each time she cries, he holds her a little closer to remind her. <em>He’s still there</em>. That action brings her back to reality. “<em>It’s Ok</em>.” He’s real, and he’s there to hold onto.</p><p>After a while, her breathing stabilized.</p><p>Her tears stopped.</p><p>Her brain is no longer mentally foggy.</p><p>
  <em>And then he is just holding her, for no reason at all.</em>
</p><p>Logically Amanda knows she should tell him to stop. But she can’t bring herself to do it. His arms are so comforting. He feels so warm. His touch is so soothing. His scent is even nice; she wonders why she has never noticed it before.</p><p>Amanda is completely paralyzed as Sonny continues his caresses. Deftly touching her hair and rubbing her arms as she grabs onto his t-shirt. Her eyes are puffy, but Amanda can see the light from the moon filling her living room. Her mind slowly realizing what is occurring. <em>She’s never felt safer.</em></p><p>“Dominick…”</p><p>She swallows as she feels him close his eyes, his chin still on top of her head as he breathes in the scent of her hair. As though he is trying to commit everything permanently to memory her smell and the feel of her in his arms. He waits for her to tell him to let go.</p><p>Wondering if he could ever let go of her…</p><p>He’s tried to for five years.</p><p>But Amanda doesn’t tell him to stop. Instead, she surprises him as she instinctively curls more into a ball at his side, her feet on the couch.</p><p>“Come here,” he says, gently guiding her till they are both on their backs side by side. Amanda stares at the ceiling as Sonny adjusts the throw pillow underneath his head, as she awkwardly lays on his arm, her body halfway off the couch.</p><p>He rolls on his side, “I’ve got you,” he repeats quietly as he leads Amanda to move on her side towards him, Sonny grips her closer to him to try to keep her from falling off the small couch. It’s not built for two to sleep side by side.</p><p>Both her hands end up over his heart. Amanda can feel it beating beneath her fingertips as Sonny adjusts the throw blanket on the couch over them.</p><p>Amanda looks up at his eyes, questioningly. All Sonny has ever wanted to do is take care of her. She can tell he thinks she’s beautiful even when she is not trying to be, even while he holds her together as she falls apart. She has a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach... <em>a fear mixed with hope</em>. No man has ever made her feel this way before, as though she is treasured.</p><p>Her mind screams that this a <strong>bad idea.</strong> She knows how he feels. He has told her through every thought, deed, and action he has ever done for her.</p><p>He adjusts himself even more on the couch. Amanda wonders if he is uncomfortable. <em>He has to be uncomfortable</em>. But he is not complaining.</p><p>“You OK?” he asks.</p><p>She can’t speak, so she nods instead.</p><p>Amanda Rollins has never had a man in her life, that just held her because they just wanted to. Usually, they had wanted something in return… or they <em>had received</em> something from her.</p><p>She has never given Sonny anything.</p><p>He has never been in her bed. She has never given him a kiss or a loving look.</p><p>She has rejected each one of his advances purposefully.</p><p>She can’t comprehend why he feels the way he does about her.</p><p>
  <em>He deserves more...</em>
</p><p>She should tell him that, but she can’t bring herself to say that to him that - <em>not now</em>...</p><p>Sonny grabs her leg and brings it over his leg, and she looks at him, surprised. His eyes look directly into hers, “I don’t want you to fall,” he explains. It’s just so she can sleep more securely and won’t fall from the couch. She nods<em>; of course, </em>she trusts him completely. <em>He’s always looked out for her.</em></p><p>She snuggles closer to his chest as his thumb soothingly rubs her cheek, causing her eyes to flutter shut.</p><p>He repeats again, “I’ve got you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Who else is watching SVU and reading SVU fanfiction instead of watching the news right now? This girl. We could all use a break from reality right now. </p><p>November 12th will be here soon enough. Hang in there Dominick.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Saturday, November 23rd</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>DETECTIVE AMANDA ROLLINS APARTMENT</strong>
</p><p><strong>Saturday, November 23<sup>rd</sup></strong>  <strong>355 WEST 117<sup>th</sup> STREET</strong></p><p><strong><br/></strong>Through Amanda’s living room window, the light filters in, waking Sonny out of a deep sleep. Sonny's eyes squint; his arm is fast asleep. Amanda is tangled into his side; her hair splayed across his chest<strong>.  </strong></p><p>He hated to wake her. Amanda looked so peaceful. <em>Content</em>. <em>Happy</em> even. Her warm cheek on his chest, a soft snore coming from her lips.</p><p>He also knew when Amanda woke up; she would most likely <strong>freak out</strong>. He had gotten more from Rollins in the last 24 hours than he had from her within the past five years. He knew it was inevitable she would push him back.</p><p>…<em>She always did</em>.</p><p>What happened last night hadn’t been intentional, and he could plead temporary insanity. Amanda’s tears always had the ability to undo him in ways he could not understand. Sonny was still getting off the emotional roller-coaster caused by her abduction, his own fears, and anxieties amplified.</p><p>He had just wanted her close. He thought for sure she would stop him.</p><p>…<em>She usually did</em>.</p><p>He just wanted to savor it a little longer for as much as he could, readjusting the blanket over them. Amanda’s leg gently bumping against his, watching her sleep. <em>She looked happy</em>. All he ever wanted was to be the reason for her happiness.</p><p>But as more light filtered in… He knew Jesse would be getting up soon, and he knew the last thing Amanda needed was to be seen in his arms by an inquisitive three-year-old. “’ Manda,” he says.</p><p>She sighs, moving her head further into his chest. “Manda,” he repeats, rubbing her arm. Amanda’s eyes start to open. She looks up at him. “What time is it?” she mumbles in a sleepy whisper.<br/><br/>“Seven AM,” he says, gently touching her hair, followed by a whisper, “<em>Jesse</em>...”<br/><br/>She nods, sitting up immediately. Sonny’s feeling in his arm returning as he sits up too. His body feels empty. Amanda looks at him, and she’s mortified. <em><strong>Freaking out</strong></em> just as Sonny predicted. “I’m going to go make us some coffee…”</p><p>He touches her shoulder gently as he leaves her on the couch.</p><p>Amanda curls her legs underneath the blanket as she puts her elbow on the couch’s arm.</p><p>Sonny returns shortly with two cups of coffee. “You get any sleep?” he asks her.</p><p>“I did,” she says, setting her cup down on the coffee table.<em> Although she would never admit, it is the best sleep she’s had in a while.</em></p><p>“Good.”  </p><p>“Are we going to talk about what happened last night?” she asks, sipping her coffee.</p><p>Sonny shakes, his head smiling humorlessly. “It’s alright ‘Manda. We don’t have to…” </p><p>She looks at him, surprised.</p><p>She didn’t have to let him down.</p><p>He was gracious enough to give her an out.</p><p>“You OK?” he asks, concerned rubbing his hands together.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m OK.”</p><p>She looks at him… He’s still wearing his pants from arraignment, and the shirt stained with dirt and grime from her kitchen sink.</p><p>“If you want a change of clothes. There are some in my closet towards the back.”</p><p>“Thanks,” he says, running a hand through his hair. He was uncomfortable with the idea, but she thought it had been only right to offer it to him.</p><p>The tension is palpable.  She can feel it.</p><p>She worries that things will stay this way.</p><p>
  <em>She had just got him back...</em>
</p><p>“Rollins, I would do anything for you, but I draw the line at wearing another man’s underwear.”</p><p>She smiles at him, snickering. <em>He's still her Sonny…</em></p><hr/><p>Sonny offers to watch the girls as Amanda sleeps in, partly because he needed cheering up, and Jesse was always excellent at that.  He had hoped to make the girls his famous pancakes, but Amanda’s cabinets were pretty barren. He settled on Cheerios for Billie and bagels with cream cheese for Jesse and himself.</p><p>Jesse was a miniature of Amanda. She looked so much like her mother with her blonde hair and blue eyes. She even had the same smile as Amanda. She was at an age where she had a million questions about everything. Today it seemed she wanted to debate the logic of the Disney Princess movies with him.</p><p>“Elsa says that you should never marry a man you just met. But how come in 'Sleeping Beauty' Aurora marries Phillip and she only just met him? Cinderella only just met the Prince too.”</p><p>Sonny was at a loss.  Jesse has both elbows on the table as he spreads cream cheese onto a bagel for her.       </p><p>“Well, Hans was a <em>bad guy</em>.”</p><p>She looks at him curiously, “So, it’s OK if he’s a nice guy? How did they know if they were nice guys?”</p><p>Sonny puts more cheerios on Billie’s highchair tray. He sighs; he did not understand the complexity of Disney Princesses until he was asked questions by a three-year-old. But he understands the root of her question. He looks over at her bright blue eyes that remind him so much of Amanda.</p><p>“Listen to me, when you’re older...” He leans across the table, “You find a man who treasures you like nothing else, a man who takes care of you, a man that will make you laugh when you want to cry, and a man that will hold you just because he loves you. “</p><p>Jesse looks at him intently, both of her elbows on the table.</p><p>“Sometimes that takes time..."</p><p>He sighs, looking off in the distance before leaning further across the table to look at her.</p><p>"But Jesse Murphy Rollins, don’t you <em>ever </em>stop searching for that… And don’t you <em>ever</em> think you deserve anything less than that.”</p><p>He looks directly into her eyes.</p><p>“<em>You understand</em>?”</p><p>She nods. Sonny smiles to himself as he kisses the top of her head. He wishes he could tell that to Amanda instead of a three-year-old.</p><p>Jesse gently brings him back from getting lost in his thoughts with another question, “Uncle Sonny, who do you think is the prettiest princess?”</p><p>“Sleeping Beauty… Aurora,” he answers easily, gently tapping his fingers on the table. Jesse nods as she takes a bite of her bagel, cream cheese ending up on her chin.</p><p>“Yeah, she’s the one that looks most like momma.” She nods in agreement.</p><p>He can’t help but smile as he wipes the cream cheese from her chin.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>12:00 PM</strong>
</p><p>Amanda cannot believe Sonny had stayed.</p><p>He had every reason, not too.</p><p>He had every reason to run in the opposite direction.</p><p>But he was still there entertaining her children, so she could catch up on needed sleep and take a shower so she could feel human. She could not understand why he took such good care of her.</p><p>Why he loved her like no man ever had... when she had never given him anything in return for it.</p><p>Amanda’s mother, at some point, had been contacted during her abduction. Amanda knew despite her text messages all in caps, “I’M FINE. WE’RE GOOD. <strong>DON’T WORRY</strong>" that she would have to talk with her mother sooner rather than later. Otherwise, her mother would be on the next flight from Atlanta to New York.</p><p>And the last thing she needed right now was a visit from her.</p><p>Amanda still didn’t have the mental energy to deal with her. She realized she had done the one thing she had spent her entire life hoping to avoid – <em>she had become her</em>.</p><p>When she emerges from her bedroom in the early afternoon, she sees Jesse asleep on the couch with a small blanket. Billie is sleeping in her baby swing. Sonny sits there, running his hand over his face, as though he is just waking up from a nap. “I must have dozed off when we were watching ‘<em>Sleeping Beauty</em>.’”</p><p>Amanda looks around her apartment, amazed.</p><p>It looks like she just moved in.</p><p>It even smells clean.</p><p>“My apartment hasn’t been this clean since before I had children.”</p><p>All the clutter and toys that are usually on the floor are picked up and hidden away. Surfaces were wiped, and her wooden floors looked like they had been swept and mopped. Every surface is dusted. Every table wiped down.</p><p>Even the remnants of baby food that were usually on the rug were gone. Amanda is speechless. Her mind feels less cluttered with emotional junk just by being in a clean room—<em>an entirely clean place</em>.</p><p>“How did you-?”</p><p>“I got Jesse to help a bit,” Sonny says. He had deputized her as his partner – just like her mom had been. As his partner, Jesse had handed him cleaning bottles and rags as they attacked dust bunnies together.</p><p>He had even cleaned the kitchen. She looks over at the kitchen table, noticing a small bouquet of sunflowers sitting there in a vase. Her brows furrowed. Sonny runs his hand through his hair. “The girls and I took Franny on a walk. Jesse got them for you.”</p><p><em>That was partially true.</em> Sonny had taken the girls to a small flower shop around the corner, and he had asked Jesse which one she thought mommy would like. “That one,” she said, pointing to the sunflowers.</p><p>Amanda nods, folding her arms. “They’re beautiful.”</p><p>She runs her hand through her hair nervously, “You didn’t have to do this,” she says, looking around her spotless apartment.  “I know, but I wanted to.” After everything she had been through, he wanted her to feel comfortable and safe in her own space.</p><p>He looks at his watch.</p><p>“I suppose you have to go soon, huh?”</p><p>“Yeah, I kind of need to go home to check up on things, run some errands…” he sighs, “Pick up a few things from the dry cleaners.”  Amanda nods as she looks over at Jesse. Sonny looks in her direction too snickering, “She has your snore," he says with a quiet smile.</p><p>Amanda rolls her eyes, “I do not snore.”</p><p>“It’s cute," he says without thinking.</p><p>All of a sudden, Amanda feels lonely, and he isn’t even gone yet...</p><p>“Does lasagna sound good for dinner?” he asks as he puts his arms through his black coat.</p><p>“It’s a Saturday night, and you’re a <em>single</em> guy. Don’t you have plans?”</p><p>“Jesse promised me a rematch at Candy Land.”  </p><p>Amanda smiles back quietly as she folds her arms across her chest. “You know, I really don’t deserve you…,” she mutters half-heartedly; she doesn’t expect a response in return.</p><p>Instead, he looks directly into her eyes and says, “Give me a chance to prove it to you- <strong>that you do</strong>.”</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>6:30 PM</strong>
</p><p>This time Sonny’s knocks on Amanda’s apartment door are assured. He knows she will let him in, that she’s waiting for him. He knows that they are in a good place again.</p><p>Amanda opens the door, “Really, Rollins; you can’t find a place with an elevator?” he says out of breath, as he juggles the grocery bags he is carrying. “I’m telling you in Brooklyn; you would be able to afford a place with an elevator<em> <strong>and</strong></em> a dishwasher.”</p><p>“Carisi, are you planning on feeding a small island nation?” Amanda jokes.<br/><br/>“You needed groceries.” Sonny had learned that when he had rummaged through her kitchen cabinets trying to make breakfast for the girls in the morning. <em>He was looking out for her.</em></p><p>Amanda begins to unpack them. She takes out a can of ‘Spaghetti-O’s’ looking in his direction. Sonny rolls his eyes, “I felt my grandmother rolling over in her grave when I bought that.”</p><p>“Jesse loves them.”<br/><br/>“I know,” he says with a resigned sigh. That was the only reason why he forced himself to buy it. “Anything for Jesse...” he says quietly. Sonny quickly takes off his coat. As soon as Jesse sees him, she hands him a drawing.</p><p>“It’s a picture of Sleeping Beauty with you,” she explains. He looks at it, carefully his eyes focused on the indiscernible blue and pink lines mixed with yellow, “I <strong>love</strong> it, Jess. I’m going to hang it up in my office.” He already knows the exact location of where he plans on putting it.</p><hr/><p>Sonny has convinced himself that he can teach Amanda how to cook.</p><p>“Sonny, there are things such as lost causes.”<br/><br/>“I’m Catholic, and we don’t believe in lost causes. Rollins, you do have a fire extinguisher - <em>don’t you</em>?” he asks, looking under her kitchen counter. “Just in case…”</p><p>Amanda laughs. Jesse is sitting on the counter as she grates the cheese just like Uncle Sonny taught her how to. Billie is rolling around in her baby walker, bumping into the apartment walls.</p><p>“Do you have a Dutch oven?” he asks, looking around her kitchen.</p><p>“I have an oven…” she says, pointing to it. “But I don’t know if it’s Dutch. How can you tell?” she asks, looking at it as though she’s trying to find a sticker that shows where it was made. Sonny runs his hand over his face, whispering, “<em>St. Jude, pray for us</em>.”</p><p>“Rollins, do you have a crock-pot?”</p><p>He remembers seeing one. She picks up a metal pot. Sonny closes his eyes and shakes his head.</p><p>“I told you I’m a <strong>lost cause</strong>…”<br/><br/>Sonny looks at her eyes, grabbing the pot. “Rollins, I told you I don’t believe in lost causes…” He leans in whispering, <em>“</em>Especially when it comes <em>to you</em>.”</p><p>Sonny eventually finds her crock-pot and explains the purpose of it. He adds sausage, ground beef, and garlic to the crock-pot, as Amanda adds the crushed tomatoes.</p><p>“Don’t worry. You didn’t ruin it.”</p><p>He was a patient teacher. However, he had clearly been praying to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, more than once during the night.</p><p>As she brought the tomato sauce and tomato paste to the crockpot, Sonny’s hands bumped against hers.  She looks at him, really looks at him. He seems genuinely happy, as though there is nowhere else he would rather be on Saturday night than in her kitchen with her and her girls.</p><p>
  <em>Trying to show her to cook an actual meal. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Openly teasing her in front of Jesse.</em>
</p><p>She cannot deny that she's missed this.</p><p>Jesse eats the extra shredded parmesan cheese. Looking between the two of them, Sonny quietly smiling at Amanda. She’s not looking away... She’s not pretending that she doesn’t notice it.</p><p>Amanda goes over to Jesse, his eyes following her. “Is Uncle Sonny being pretty?” Jesse asks her mother, cheese falling to the floor. Sonny laughs out loud as he brings water to a boil on the stove, looking over Amanda. His eyes clearly telling her she is '<em>on her own'</em> as he throws noodles in for the lasagna.</p><p>“Jesse, we don’t call boys pretty…We use the word <em>handsome</em>,” Amanda says, leaning against the counter, hoping she dodged Jesse’s question.</p><p>Jesse looks over at Sonny.</p><p>“Is Uncle Sonny handsome?” she asks.</p><p>Sonny looks back at Amanda, clearly amused.</p><p>She pauses, letting out a deep breath, “Yeah, he’s <em>handsome</em>…”</p><p>Sonny whispers, "I love you" as he kisses the top of Jesse's tiny head as she giggles.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>9:00 PM</strong>
</p><p>Amanda sits on her couch, getting lost in her own thoughts, her feet curled under the blanket over her legs. “There were no leftovers tonight. You know, you’re spoiling us. I don’t know how we’re going to go back to eating take out.”</p><p>Sonny smiles as he hands her a beer from the fridge. Plopping down on the opposite end of the couch, “So what are we watching tonight?” he asks, drinking from his bottle, his arm resting on the back of her couch.</p><p>“You know you can leave? You’re a single guy, and it’s Saturday night. I would understand”</p><p>He sighs, running his hand over his face. “Well, I’m more worried about the woman next to me. Amanda, tell me what is going on in that pretty little head of yours? Maybe I can help you figure it out,” he says, leaning forward on his knees, rubbing his hands on his bottle as he looks over at her. “...Maybe we can figure it out together.”</p><p>She sits up, shifting nervously in her seat on the couch. “What do you mean?”</p><p>He looks at her, “’ Manda,” he says gently.</p><p>
  <em>She knows. </em>
</p><p>“What’s going on?” he asks her quietly. Amanda bites her lip. Sonny looks over at her, “You give Dr. Hanover this much trouble?” he jokes.</p><p>Amanda smiles back at him. She knows he’s trying to cheer her up. She lets out a sigh as she nervously grabs her hair, “I always liked having you around, <em>you know that</em>. It feels <strong>complete</strong> when you’re here.”</p><p>“Well, I’m not going anywhere,” he says, looking into her eyes.</p><p>Amanda swallows, looking down at her drink. <em>She knows he means it.</em> “Liv called to check on me this afternoon, she told me everything you did at great professional risk, and I cannot thank you enough…Hadid give you much grief?”<br/><br/>“Don’t worry; her bark is worse than her bite. You would have done the same thing for me...” Amanda nods in agreement; she would have. “We’re still sort of partners, aren’t we?” she smiles.</p><p>“<em>Always.</em>”</p><p>Amanda knows that he would still take a bullet for her without question. She also knows she would do the same for him. “You OK?” she asks quietly.</p><p>“I don’t want to let you out of my sight," he admits. He feels a touch, relief flooding him as he looks down and notices Amanda's hand gripping his. He looks up at her, surprised as he lets out a relieved sigh, "...I’m just glad you’re safe. <em>Are you really, OK</em>?”<br/><br/>“I’m trying hard to be. I worry more about Jesse and Billie. I’m a cop, and my job is high risk if anything had happened to me... It just makes me realize what could have happened to them. Billie would go to Al, who hasn’t shown the slightest interest in her, and Jesse would probably go to my dysfunctional mother.”<br/><br/>“Well, they’d have to get through me first. Over my dead body, would I ever let that happen to Jesse or Billie.” <em>He would take them without question.</em> Amanda looks at him, surprised. “You really mean that even after tonight?” she jokes.</p><p>“Who wouldn’t want Jesse as their daughter?”</p><p>“She has your sense of humor.” Amanda sees it every day that somehow there as much of him in Jesse as her, as though across time and space, he had a role in creating her too. Sonny looks down at their entwined hands smiling sadly, wishing that he could be considered something besides her uncle.</p><p>“Tell me what you’re thinking.”</p><p>“I don’t know,” she shrugs, “You tell me, sometimes I think you understand me better than I understand myself.”</p><p>He nods, leaning closer to her, “I think you finally realize that you want to <em>be happy</em>.”</p><p>Amanda sighs, “Yeah. I think you’re right.”  </p><p>“Tell me, ‘Manda, how can I make that happen?”</p><p>“Dominick, your friendship and what it brought to my life sometimes I forget who I was before I had it… It’s just never something I ever wanted to take a risk on losing.”</p><p>Sonny reaches over and rubs the back of her neck, sympathetically. It must be exhausting for her always to be presuming the worst. But he never thought she would ever presume the worst about him. He bites his lip in concentration. “I understand.”</p><p>He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He looks into her eyes with an intensity Amanda has never seen before.</p><p>“Amanda, I will <strong><em>never</em></strong> stop being your friend, and I <strong><em>promise</em></strong> I will always be as much as a father to your girls as you will allow…”</p><p>He pauses.</p><p>“I had a gun pointed at my head once and I know how much it can change you… Amanda, you don’t have to make any decisions tonight. But can you do me a favor?” he whispers, gently touching the top of her head.</p><p>“Instead of imagining the worst. Can you try to imagine what it would be like if everything <em>went right</em>? Try to think of what it would be like to be happy…<em>Can you do that for me</em>?”  </p><p>Amanda nods breathlessly. Sonny used to think that he couldn’t make her happy, but now he believes he may just be the only person uniquely qualified who can. “It’s going to be OK. We’ll figure this out,” he reassures her as she leans closer to him.</p><p>As if on instinct, her body moves towards his.</p><p>“Come here,” he says. She curls at his side, and just like the previous night, she’s in his arms again. This time there are no tears involved. She just wants the reassurance his arms provide, to feel safe, and it’s soothing to be held as her mind is an inner mess.<br/><br/>“You’re going to be OK,” he reassures her as he runs his hand through her hair, resting his chin on top of her head. For once, she actually believes it. Amanda lets out a contented sigh, “Sonny…" she whispers. "...<em>Don’t go</em>.”</p><p>“Don’t worry; I’m not going anywhere.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So apparently I am incapable of writing short chapters. Thanks so much for all the love on the last chapter. I swear I went through 12 different drafts of this.</p><p>Relationships based on strong friendship/partnership always make the best love stories. <b>SVU writers hurry up already. Enough is enough</b>.</p><p>Hang in there, Dominick...</p><p>For those you interested:<a href="https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/23600/worlds-best-lasagna/">Carisi's lasagna receipe</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Sunday, November 24th</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>DETECTIVE AMANDA ROLLINS APARTMENT</strong>
</p><p><strong>Sunday, November 24<sup>th</sup> </strong> <strong>355 WEST 117<sup>th</sup> STREET</strong></p><p>
  <strong>2:00 AM</strong>
</p><p>Amanda admitted she did not want to be left alone, and Sonny had admitted to her he didn’t want to let her out of his sight. He had volunteered to sleep on the couch. Amanda did not realize that Sonny had come prepared this time, with a small backpack filled with a change of clothes - just in case she wanted him to stay. </p><p>
  <em>He was hoping she would ask him to stay…  </em>
</p><p><em> He wanted the chance to be there for her when she needed him </em>…</p><p>Around 2 AM, Sonny had an uneasy feeling. He could recognize the sound of Amanda’s tears anywhere and they were the only thing that had the power to wake him up from a dead sleep. "Amanda?" he says in a haze from the couch but, she's <em>not there</em>.</p><p>Sonny gently knocks on the door to her room, but the crying doesn’t subside. He opens the door, just like the night before, she’s having another nightmare. Eyes clenched shut, gripping her blanket clearly terrified out of her mind.</p><p>“Amanda,” he says, falling to his knees as he touches the top of her head. He shakes her gently as she continues to cry and breathe erratically, “’ Manda” her eyes open after hearing his nickname for her come from his lips. “It’s OK…You’re having a nightmare.”</p><p>“God, did I wake Jesse?” she asks, worried, as she sits up.</p><p>“No. She’s fine,” he reassures her. Amanda lets out a relieved sigh as she looks up at her ceiling, trying to snap herself back to reality. Her whole frame vibrating. Sonny looked at her closely; he had spent enough years in SVU to recognize it for what it was - a <em>panic attack.</em> He swallowed, “Do you want me to get you some water?”</p><p>She shook her head ‘no.’ Amanda could feel the weight on her bed shift as he sat down, leaning his arms on his knees. “Did Bucci <em>hurt </em>you?” he asks, afraid of the answer. His body is laced with worry as he looks at her.</p><p>There’s silence.</p><p>Sonny can hear his heart beating out of his chest.</p><p>“The nightmares aren’t about Bucci,” Amanda says, silent tears falling down her face. Sonny looks at her closely, realizing Bucci hadn’t hurt her - <em> but someone clearly had </em>. He swallowed, “You want to talk about it?”</p><p>She looks at him, shaking her head as she picks lint off her blanket. It was a long time ago. She thought she was <em>over it </em>. In her mind, she should be <em>over it </em>.</p><p>She has no idea why the memories are so raw and fresh, as though they happened yesterday instead of years ago. Sonny looks at her; she can tell he’s trying to think of something to make her feel better.</p><p>That’s all he ever does… <em>look out for her </em>.</p><p>“Move over, Rollins,” he says quietly, determined, and she actually moves to make room for him.</p><p>“You don’t have to do this….” She knows it is probably a bad idea, all the nights he has slept over, he has never been in her bed, and her body feels apprehensive at the idea. But she can’t deny she wants him next to her, she wants him- <strong>close</strong><em>.  </em>He must know it too since he’s offering.</p><p>“Humor me,” he says as he lays down next to her on the bed. He holds her close, and her body relaxes immediately. All the tension is gone as he rubs her arms and back gently. It feels so soothing. She can tell he feels relief too- that’s she there and <em>safe</em>.</p><p>“How do you feel?” he asks her. “Better now,” she says with a sleepy whisper. He keeps rubbing her arms, gently caressing her back.</p><p>“Do I really snore?” she asks trying to make him smile. He holds her closer rubbing the side of her arms “Don’t worry… it’s cute,” he says smiling in the dark as he stares at the ceiling.</p><p>If anyone tries to hurt her, they’ll have to get through him.</p><p>“It’s OK,” he says with a contented sigh, closing his eyes “You’re safe…”</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>9:00 AM</strong>
</p><p>Sonny is convinced, the only thing better than waking up next to Amanda may just be seeing Jesse’s little <em> bed head </em> of mangled blonde hair in the morning. Jesse helps him in the kitchen, and he gives her busy tasks like picking out the biggest and best blueberries to add to the pancake batter.</p><p>When Amanda wakes up, she sees Sonny and Jesse sitting at the table. Jesse is laughing out loud at something Sonny has said. Billie is grabbing the food on her highchair tray, bringing it to her mouth with tiny baby fists. </p><p>“Rollins?”</p><p>Amanda comes over and sits down; her hair is also a mess. He smiles to himself, looking at Jesse as she eats with her mouth open. Same bed head.<em>  Like mother like daughter.  </em>“You OK?” he asks her, remembering how terrified she had been last night.</p><p>“I’m good. But I need coffee.” </p><p>Sonny goes to the kitchen and returns with coffee and a plate of pancakes. <em> His famous pancakes </em>. “Uncle Sonny made me an honorary Carisi!” Jesse says happily. Amanda looks at him curiously as Sonny puts a plate in front of her, “I told her my family secret to the world’s best pancakes,” he explains. “Jess -what’s the secret?”</p><p>“You have to let the batter sit for fifteen minutes…” they both repeat in unison. Jesse laughing when they finish together."You got it. Now, you're a true Carisi" he says ruffling her hair.</p><p>“That is <em>amazing </em> ,” Amanda says, taking a bite giving a satisfied mumble. He smiles.</p><p>Sonny and Jesse start discussing Paw Patrol. Amanda realizes that Sonny knows way too much about a show geared towards toddlers. But she doesn’t ask questions. Billie starts to cry from her, highchair, “She probably needs to be changed."</p><p>“Let me take care of it” Sonny says as he gets up and grabs the baby. As soon as he is out of sight. Jesse looks at her mother smiling, her head resting on her hand. “Uncle Sonny is <strong><em>so </em> </strong>funny…” she says with a giggle.</p><p>Amanda drinks her coffee, nodding in agreement. “He is.” </p><p>“And he’s handsome,” Jesse says, putting more leftover blueberries in her mouth. Amanda puts down her cup of coffee on the table slowly, feeling as though all air has left her body “…And he makes you smile,” Jesse adds.</p><p>“Jesse Murphy Rollins, what are you saying?” </p><p>She shrugs her little shoulders, “He’s better than Ashley’s daddy.” Amanda realizes sadly that <em>Ashley’s daddy </em> is Jesse’s only point of comparison. It’s the biggest compliment she could ever give a man. </p><p>“Jess honey-“</p><p>Sonny comes back in happily bouncing Billie. “Rollins, are you OK?” he asks, noticing how pale she looks. He quickly puts Billie back in her highchair, his eyes not leaving Amanda’s blank expression. The only time he had ever seen <em>that look </em>on Amanda’s face was when she had been going into labor. He sits next to her and rubs her back, on instinct. </p><p>“I’m fine,” she says; he looks over at Jesse curiously, as she sticks more blueberries in her mouth. Jesse shrugs. Sonny looks between them as he picks up his fork.</p><p>“So Rollins, who is your favorite Paw Patrol character?” </p><p><em> She smiles </em>. </p><hr/><p>
  <strong>9:30 AM</strong>
</p><p>Sonny hears a knock at Amanda’s door; he still hasn’t changed out of the boxers he wore to bed or his white t-shirt. Jesse is sitting at the table, her little face covered in syrup and whip cream. Billie keeps slamming her hands on the highchair tray, demanding more food letting out happy baby squeals.</p><p>“Fin? What are you doing here?” Sonny asks, surprised, opening the door.</p><p>Fin looks Sonny up and down with a bemused look. “I’m here to see Rollins. Liv says she hasn’t been able to reach her by phone” Fin says, his hands in pockets as he looks at Sonny curiously. “Counselor, what are you doing here?”</p><p>“I crashed here last night, and I was just making breakfast for Rollins and the girls,” Sonny says as he lets Fin in. “Rollins just went to change her t-shirt; Billie spit-up. It was my fault. I put too much whip cream on her pancakes. I should have known better.”</p><p>“So you spent the night?" he asks before muttering, "I guess Barba and I each owe Liv twenty bucks."</p><p>Sonny shakes his head, “It’s <em>not </em>like that.”</p><p>“Counselor, you do realize you’re in your underwear.”</p><p>Carisi’s eyes furrow, “Wait…You made <strong><em>a bet</em></strong>?!?”</p><p>“Don’t be offended, I went through a divorce… Liv is the only hopeless romantic left on the squad.” Sonny rolls his eyes as he puts his plate down on the table. “Well, it’s <strong>not </strong>what you think. I’m just looking out for Rollins. I don’t think she wants to be alone right now.”</p><p>Fin eyes him suspiciously, his hands are in his pockets, “Right.”</p><p>…<em> Not weird at all </em>.</p><p>“Uncle Sonny made us pancakes!” Jesse says from the table, her little face covered in sticky maple syrup and whip cream. “Did he?” Fin says with mock excitement.</p><p>“I was his kitchen partner I helped stir and add the blueberries!” Jesse says with a smile.</p><p>“Let me go get you a plate.” Sonny brings Fin a plate of pancakes from the kitchen, as Fin sits down at the table across from Jesse. “Uncle Sonny said, mommy is like Captain Marvel. Which superhero are you like?” Jesse asks Fin, her head leaning on her hand as syrup drips from her chin. “I guess… I’m like the Black Panther. Wakanda forever and all that-” he answers, as Jesse giggles.</p><p>“Fin, what are you doing here?” Amanda asks as soon as she sees him.</p><p>“Liv says she has been having issues trying to reach you, and it’s sort of important.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I turned off my phone. My mom has been calling me <strong> non-stop</strong>,”she sighs, taking a seat.</p><p>“Um, Jess, why don’t you go watch some TV and rot your little brain while Uncle Fin and mommy talk about work?” Sonny says, taking Jesse’s hand.</p><p>Fin takes a bite of his pancakes,“Boy can <em>really </em>cook.”</p><p>“He’s Italian; food is his love language,” Amanda explains as she drinks her coffee.</p><p>
  <em>…Boy must be in love. </em>
</p><p>“Don’t look at me like that, Tutuola. It’s <strong>not</strong> like that.”</p><p>Once, it’s clear Jesse and Sonny are gone. Fin shifts in his seat to start talking to Amanda about the reason why he was there. “Olivia wanted me to give you the information for your psyche evaluation; it’s at ten tomorrow; you have to pass it before you’re cleared to go back to work.”</p><p>She lets out a frustrated breath,“I just can’t wait for this to be over.”</p><p>“Liv also wanted me to warn you that Dr. Hanover will be administering it.”</p><p>“Good. That won’t be awkward at all…” she says sarcastically as she pushes away her plate. Tutuola looks at her sympathetically, “You look <em>good </em>. Better than I thought you would be.”  </p><p>“The time off has been helping, and Sonny has also been a big help.”</p><p>“<em>So, you and Carisi </em>?” he says in disbelief.</p><p>“It’s not what you think…”</p><p>“I’ve been told that,” Fin says, his eyes masked with skepticism.</p><p>His brows furrowing as he drinks his coffee, “You all are very <em>cute</em> together.” Amanda smirks it was weird hearing the word <em>cute </em>come from Fin’s lips.</p><p>“I’m just still trying to figure some stuff out. Don’t make a big deal out of it-” she sighs, running her hand through her hair.</p><p>Fin leans back against his chair. <em>Fin reminds himself he had won 40 bucks in the Benson and Stabler bet pool. </em> “Huh, I never thought it would actually happen.” Sonny comes back and sits beside Amanda, leaning across the table at Fin, pointing,“So about this bet… Barba bet <em>against me? </em>!?”</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> Sunday, November 24th 200 CENTRAL PARK WEST</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Upper West Side, Central Park </strong>
</p><p>Sonny has always wanted to take Jesse to the Natural History Museum. It was one of his favorite places in the city as a kid. Amanda was worried Jesse would be bored out of her mind. But Sonny was convinced Jesse would enjoy it just as much as he had when he was younger. </p><p>“<strong>Trust me</strong>, you’ll have a good time,” he says, looking into Amanda’s eyes, with that sideways smile he reserved just for her. There was no way Sonny was going to let her spend another day binge-watching reality TV, no matter how badly she wanted to. “You’re a pain, sometimes…” she says jokingly. </p><p><em> His eyes, that smile </em>. There was no way she could say ‘no’ to him when he looked at her like that. He doesn’t realize how charming he can be, even when he’s not trying to be. She relents, “It’s not fair when you do that.” </p><p>“Do what?”</p><p>“Use the Carisi charm…”</p><p>He quirks an eyebrow, “<em>Carisi charm</em>?”</p><p>She rolled her eyes; there was <em>no way </em>Sonny was going to let her live that down, “You can be charming when you want to be… you can also be a pain in the –“ </p><p>He smiles, interrupting her. “I’ll take that as a compliment. Thanks, ‘Manda.”</p><p>And just like everything else…. <em>He was right Jesse </em><strong><em>loves </em></strong><em>it</em>, and Amanda enjoys seeing Jesse’s face light up. Of course, Jesse has a million questions about everything she sees. She even acts amazed when she sees fossils-  ‘really old rocks<em>’  </em>as Sonny calls them much to Amanda’s amusement. </p><p>“Those are a million years old,” Sonny tells her.</p><p>“Wow,” she jumps up and down, “They’re even older than momma?!”</p><p>Amanda pushes Billie’s stroller, “Hey, I am not <em>that old</em>,” she says as Sonny laughs at her expense, holding Jesse’s hand. He holds Jesse up to get a closer look at exhibits without her having to ask him to. And when Jesse’s little feet get tired, he lets her sit on his shoulders.</p><p>Sonny answers every single question Jesse has, and when it’s clear, he doesn’t know an answer. He just makes something up. <strong>Convincingly</strong>.</p><p>For some reason, Sonny <em>sees himself </em>in Jesse. She’s clever and perceptive, just like he was as a kid. He gets her more than he has any other niece, nephew, or Godchild he’s ever had. </p><p>And Amanda is right; she has his sense of humor. “Jesse, what would you call a sleeping dinosaur?” he asks her. She shrugs. </p><p>“…A dino-<strong><em>snore </em> </strong>.” </p><p>Jesse laughs out loud at his <em>bad joke</em>, her hands covering her face, and Amanda looks at him, amazed, shaking her head.</p><p>“You’re funny, Uncle Sonny.” </p><p>He turns, to Amanda, “She finds me funny, Rollins.”</p><p>“That’s <em>only </em>because she’s three.”</p><p>When they get to the main highlight of the museum, the reconstructed dinosaur skeletons. Jesse looks around in total wonder.  </p><p>“They’re taller than you!” she says, turning to Sonny. Sonny smiles as he stares at her. “Am I being pretty again?” she asks him coyly. He snickers, “No…I just love you, that’s all,” he says, touching the top of her head.  </p><p>Amanda watches it from a distance, realizing just how much he truly means it. Eventually, Billie has a diaper that needs to be changed. Amanda takes her to the nearest changing station while Sonny and Jesse go to the gift shop. </p><p>He decides to get a pop-up Dinosaur book, he thinks Amanda will enjoy reading to the girls.</p><p>When Sonny goes to check out, Jesse goes up to him. </p><p>“Can I have it please?” Jesse asks, holding a stuffed T-Rex that flips inside out, showing the skeletal bones on the other side. “Anything for you, Jesse...” he says, ruffling her hair. Jesse skips off to look at dinosaur figures sitting on a stand near the door. He doesn’t even look at the $35 price tag. </p><p>“You’re just like my husband, when our daughter was little, he couldn’t say no to her either. Daddy’s little girls have that kind of magic at that age,” the cashier says to him. </p><p>“She’s not –" For once, doesn’t correct someone for the mistake. He sighs, “She may not outgrow that. I’d do anything for her mother too...” he says as he hands the woman his American Express card. </p><hr/><p>
  <strong>CENTRAL PARK</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Upper West Side</strong>
</p><p>Jesse had complained that her feet were tired. Sonny was carrying Jesse on his back, both her arms wrapped around his neck. One of Jesse’s hands tightly holding onto her stuffed dinosaur, who she had decided to name, ‘<em> Counselor Rawr </em>’…Sonny had helped her choose the name. Amanda pushed Billie in her stroller. </p><p>“See, Rollins, you got to let the girls experience more things in the city. We live in the capital of art and culture… it helps their little brains grow.”</p><p>Amanda used to be annoyed when Sonny tried to give her parenting advice, but that was before she realized he was right about <em>most things. </em>“We should get out more.” She had fun, and she knew Jesse did too. </p><p>Her phone rings, “Your mom calling again?” Sonny asks. </p><p>“She just doesn’t stop,” Amanda says, annoyed.</p><p>Amanda’s phone had been ringing every hour, on the hour. She sticks the phone in her pocket. “Eventually, I will have to tell her we’re not coming up for Thanksgiving. I just don’t have the emotional energy for it this year.” </p><p>He swallows, “’ Manda, maybe you should spend Thanksgiving with my family and me on Staten Island.” Sonny has made the offer every year, and <em> every year </em> Amanda has turned it down. She looks away, shaking her head. “I’m really not good company right now, and I couldn’t impose….”</p><p>“Just think about it,” he says, looking into her eyes, “…Besides I know if you don’t come, you’ll probably just end up making cold turkey sandwiches and watching the parade on TV with the girls.” </p><p>Amanda was amazed at how well he knew her, “That was my plan.” </p><p>“Rollins, that is<strong> no way </strong>to spend a holiday. Just let me know by Tuesday, I want to go up on Wednesday morning to avoid the gridlock.” </p><p>“Uncle Sonny, I’m hungry,” Jesse says to him. He sets her down and holds her hand, “Well, it’s New York; we can’t be too far from a hot dog or pretzel stand. What does Counselor Rawr like to eat?”</p><p>Amanda smiles. </p><p>Eventually, they find a hot dog stand. Sonny has known Amanda long enough to know what she wants without having to ask. He has also known Jesse her entire life. So he knows she is a picky eater, she will only eat a hotdog with ketchup. He even asks for an empty hot dog bun, just for the baby. </p><p>Amanda is surprised when the hot dog vendor hands Sonny a plastic bag filled with crushed hot dog buns that couldn’t be sold. “Thanks, man,” Sonny says. </p><p>“I got a kid too. They really do love those ducks.” He had even thought to ask for extra hot dog buns to feed the ducks. </p><p>Amanda and Sonny sit next to each other on a park bench. Amanda watches as Sonny and Jesse eat; she can’t help but chuckle a little. They are alike in so many ways. They are messy eaters, toppings ending up on their chins at the exact same time. </p><p>On instinct, Amanda takes out a brown napkin and wipes Jesse’s chin, “Momma…” she says, annoyed.</p><p>And then Amanda surprises herself when she does the same thing to Sonny, “Rollins…” he says, annoyed as she wipes relish from his chin. <em> She’s never done it before.  </em></p><p>She has sat across from him in the SVU break room enough times to see meals end up on the corners of his lips and on his chin. But she has never cleaned anything from his face before. But Amanda can’t stop herself. <em> She doesn’t know why </em>.</p><p>After she cleans his chin. Her eyes linger on his lips. She tries to look away quickly before Jesse catches it. She knows Jesse will ask if he’s being handsome. And Amanda can’t deny that she finds him attractive; she always has, even when she wasn't ready to realize it herself. <em>But, Sonny catches it - the look she has... </em>Where she is looking<em>.  </em></p><p>He grabs her hand and holds it rubbing his thumb over it. Amanda looks at his lips closer again. She is so close, she can feel his breath. Sonny looks at her curiously; his forehead is almost leaning against hers. His thumb rubbing against her hand.</p><p>Sonny’s phone vibrates. Amanda moves her hand quickly away. “Hadid calling?” she asks somewhat bitterly, the smile falling from her face. He nods, putting away his phone.</p><p>“It’s Sunday. It’s meant to be a day of rest; I can deal with it on Monday,” Sonny says, irritated. He coughs, “You OK?” he asks her.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m good,” she says, her voice sounding a little shaky. Sonny smirked, watching Billie stick out her tongue, as Jesse made Counselor Rawr, ‘<em> rawr </em>’ at her. Billie letting out high pitched baby squeals as she tried to grab the stuffed dinosaur out of her sister’s hands. Jesse’s back must have been turned the entire time.</p><p>The phone vibrates again. </p><p>“Maybe you should take that.” </p><p>Sonny shakes his head. He knew things were going to change; he had work on Monday. With the upcoming holiday, he knew he would not see Amanda or the girls very much… unless Amanda took him up on his offer to spend Thanksgiving with his family. <em> But she never had before </em>. He wasn’t going to waste his time with Amanda and the girls worrying about his position at the DA’s office. </p><p>Jesse turns around to look at Sonny and Amanda; she makes Counselor Rawr, ‘rawr’ at them. Sonny laughs at her, ruffling her hair. “Come on, Jess, let’s go feed the ducks,” he grabs her hand as she skips off in the direction of the lake. </p><p>Amanda watches as Jesse and Sonny stand on the riverbank feeding the ducks pieces of hot dog buns. He looks back at Amanda, giving her a smile. </p><p>“Is mommy being pretty again?” Jesse asks him as she takes apart a bun to feed the ducks. “No...” he says with a smile looking into her bright blue eyes “…I just love her.” </p><p>Jesse looks over at her mother, noticing the way she is looking at them, “Uncle Sonny, I think she loves you too."</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> DETECTIVE AMANDA ROLLINS APARTMENT </strong>
</p><p><strong> Sunday, November 24<sup>th</sup>  </strong> <strong>355 WEST 117<sup>th</sup> STREET</strong></p><p>Once again, Jesse is on Sonny's back, her arms wrapped around his neck as she holds onto her stuffed dinosaur. Carisi is juggling Billie's folded up stroller in the other hand. He's out of breath, "Seriously, Amanda, in Brooklyn, you'd be able to afford a place with a dishwasher <em>and </em>an elevator." </p><p>Amanda is holding Billie in her arms, "I know. I know," she says as she fishes out her keys from her coat pocket. </p><p>"I don't know how you do it." He honestly has no idea how she carries two children by herself up four flights of stairs on a daily basis. But then again, nothing Amanda does surprises him. She's always been the strongest person he knows. "Well, usually my eldest has the ability to walk," she says toward Jesse. Sonny sets Jesse down as he defends her, "Her feet hurt." </p><p>As soon as they are inside, Sonny places the stroller by the door, and Jesse runs towards the couch. Amanda leaves Billie on the floor of the living room; Billie's trying to belly crawl. He stands hesitantly near the door, "I take it… you don't want me to stay?" He can tell by the look on her face as Amanda approaches him.</p><p>"I had fun today, but I think we could use a girl's night. We're probably going to watch Disney Princess movies and have a slumber party in my room." </p><p>"What about dinner?"</p><p>"Don't worry, I own a can opener."</p><p>He sighs, "I was afraid of that."</p><p>
  <em>  … Spaghetti-O's for dinner  </em>
</p><p>"Maybe, I can try to teach you how to cook again."</p><p>"Sure…" she rolls her eyes, "…that was a big success."  </p><p>"Rollins, I consider no bodily injuries or damage to property -<em>a success</em>."</p><p>She snickers. Sonny swallows as he looks over at Jesse sitting on the couch with her stuffed dinosaur, as she reads the pop-up book that Sonny bought in the gift shop. He can tell she's distracted. </p><p>"I can stay," he says<em>. She didn't have to send him away. </em>He didn't want to leave her and the girls. He can't imagine going back to his apartment alone. He also knows deep down Amanda doesn't want to be left alone either. </p><p>"Sonny, eventually, things have to go back to normal." </p><p>"Why?" he asks, looking down before meeting her eyes again. "The couch isn't <em>so </em>bad," Amanda smirks at him. She knows he really would sleep on her couch, hold her through every nightmare, and make both her girls honorary Carisi's if she'd let him… And he would never expect anything in return. </p><p>"You have work tomorrow; you need a full night's sleep. Besides, I can just imagine how Hadid will react if you show up to court in your blue jeans."</p><p>He nods <em>his job</em>. It used to seem so important... living up to Barba's legacy and proving that he was a <em>real lawyer. </em>But then he lived through thinking that he could lose Amanda, and now it doesn't seem so important. </p><p>…All that really matters is Amanda and the girls in the next room. </p><p>He clears his throat before whispering, "Today in the park before Hadid called… you kind of looked you were going to kiss me." Amanda looks into his eyes. She doesn't say anything."' Manda?" he says though he asked her a question. She doesn't respond. <em>She wanted to</em>, even with Jesse possibly watching.</p><p>"I should change my phone number."</p><p>"I don't think Hadid would approve of that," Amanda says with a sad smile. </p><p>"Probably not…but I don't care." Sonny swallows as he looks in Jesse's direction; she's making Counselor Rawr, 'rawr' at her book. "Do you think I could get a rain check on that kiss?" he asks her. He is using the sideways smile he only does for her. Amanda knows he's fighting dirty, she rolls her eyes "Dominick..."</p><p>He touches the back of her head, pulling her closer as he looks into her eyes, "Just think about it." </p><p>He pauses, biting his lip, "You promise you'll call me if you need anything. Even if it's 2 AM, and you just want a carton of your favorite ice cream."…<em>  He knows it's Cookies and Cream </em>. </p><p>"I promise," she whispers. She doesn't want him to leave; she knows how quiet it will feel. How strange it will be when she wakes up and he's not there. But she also doesn't want him to sacrifice more than he already has for her. </p><p>She knew the professional risks he had taken by going behind Hadid's back. She wants to do the <em>right thing </em>for him and <em>really mean it</em>… because she cares about him more than she can comprehend.</p><p>Jesse runs up, "<strong>Rawr</strong>! <strong>Rawr</strong>!" she says, putting Counselor Rawr in between them, giggling. Sonny pulls away from Amanda and picks her up. "Jess, you take care of your mom and sister for me…" </p><p>"Why do you have to go?"</p><p>"Well, your mom is going to make Spaghetti-O's. I'm Italian. I can't be present for that." </p><p>Amanda laughs as she grabs Billie from the floor of the living room. Sonny kisses the top of Jesse's head before setting her down. He then takes Billie from Amanda's arms and gives her a kiss on her head as she gives him a baby smile.He hesitates before putting Billie back into Amanda's arms. It doesn't feel natural to be leaving. He is going to miss Jesse's laughter at his bad jokes and Billie's babbling.</p><p>And Amanda, he is probably going to worry about her all night...</p><p>He pauses and surprises even himself when he leans in and kisses Amanda's cheek. He's never done it before. It's unintentional, he really - <em> couldn't help it</em>. He is acting purely on instinct. As though his brain imagines, it is something he should have always done... <em>It has always just felt so natural to him. </em>To be her friend when she needs one. To <strong>love</strong> her.</p><p>Amanda loses her breath for a second.</p><p>"Sorry," he says, embarrassed. He laughs a little, with a smile breaking the tension. Jesse looks up at them, cuddling her stuffed dinosaur between her arms. "It's OK momma, he just did it because he loves you."</p><p>Amanda just stands there, speechless.</p><p>She looks down at Jesse, who innocently smiles up at them. Sonny doesn't deny it. Instead, he touches the top of Jesse's head. He swallows, "Take care, Rollins."</p><p>"Sonny..."</p><p>Amanda calls out to him.</p><p>"…Maybe we can do a <em>rain check</em>."</p><p>He gives her his sideways smile, "Goodnight, 'Manda."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hear we're not getting a new SVU episode this week due to Thanksgiving... Hopefully this chapter makes up for it in some way. Rollisi moments have definitely been slow/few and far between this season - which may explain why every chapter I write is so long. </p><p>Who else rewound their DVR several times like a crazy person to see that photo on Carisi's desk last week?!</p><p>SVU'ers I have no idea who made this video: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNbTfdF7Vb0">SVU BROTHER</a>. But I've been watching it on repeat for the last week or so... It gives me all the SVU feels/reminds me why I love this show (Rollisi gets some love in it too). Happy Thanksgiving SVU'ers!</p><p>For those of you interested <a href="https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/blueberry-pancakes-recipe">Carisi's Famous Pancake Recipe</a></p><p>( <b> #Team Jesse</b> needs it's own hashtag. My money is still on Sonny ;))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Monday, November 25th</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Buckle up Rollisi, a lot to emotionally unpack in this chapter. Hopefully, it was worth the wait.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>DR ALEXIS HANOVER’S OFFICE</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Monday, November 25<sup>th  </sup>55 W 83<sup>rd</sup> STREET</strong>
</p><p>It was weird for Amanda to wake up and Sonny not to be there. She half-expected him to wake her up at 6 AM, holding a box of cannolis and a cup of coffee. It would be just like Sonny to do that.</p><p>Amanda is honestly surprised when he doesn't do that. Instead, she gets a cryptic text message wishing her good luck at her psyche evaluation and telling her to call if she needs anything. And it sort of pisses her off, especially after she agreed against her better judgment to kiss him – <em>eventually</em>.</p><p>Jesse has also gotten used to Sonny being around. When Amanda leaves her with Sienna, the first question she asks is, "When is Uncle Sonny going to come over to play?". Amanda doesn't know how to answer the question, so she tells her honestly, "I don't know. He's busy, he has to work, honey." Jesse's little face falls. "He'll come. I know he will," Jesse says with a tired sigh.</p><p>So when she goes to Dr. Alexis Hanover's office, she is in the<em> perfect mood </em>to be evaluated for emotional stability. As soon as she enters Dr. Hanover's office, she notices how Dr. Hanover closes and locks the door. "How are you doing?" Amanda asks her as she takes off her coat.</p><p>"I'm fine. How are you?"</p><p>Amanda sits down on her usual spot on the couch, "The same." Dr. Hanover looks at her curiously. Amanda has always held back during their sessions, usually waiting till the end to bring up what is really on her mind. But Dr. Alexis Hanover is smart; she notices how Amanda is looking at her as though she is conflicted, as though she wants to bring something up.</p><p>So for the first time, when she asks, "Amanda, what's on your mind?"</p><p>It provides the perfect opening for Amanda.</p><p>Amanda bites her lip. She's pretty sure she's going<em> crazy; one </em>minute, she wants to kiss Sonny, the other minute she is so pissed she can't think straight. She swallows, resting her elbows on her knees. "I was just thinking of a friend…"  </p><p>Dr. Hanover senses something; she guesses with a smile, "Your old partner?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm feeling kind of angry at him. He sort of spent the last three days with my girls and me. I just thought he would come by this morning, and he didn't."</p><p>"Did you tell him to?"</p><p>"No, but he should have known."</p><p>Hanover shifts in her seat nervously, using her click pen as she jots down notes, "When you say he spent the last couple of days with you and your girls. Did that include <em>overnight </em>?"</p><p>"Not in the way you're implying…" Amanda says curtly, "I mean… he <em>held me</em>, but that was because I was having nightmares."</p><p>"Nightmares of the kidnapping?"</p><p>She shakes her head, "No of Patton when he…."</p><p>"Assaulted you?"</p><p>"I have no idea why. I mean, that was years ago, and Frank didn't do anything like<em> that </em>to me," she emphasizes. Dr. Hanover takes out her notebook, "It makes sense. During the kidnapping, you had your personal autonomy and freedom taken from you. That would be a trigger for other traumatic events." It was a classic case of PTSD.</p><p>She took a deep breath; she hated that a man she wanted nothing to do with could continue to have such control over her life. She couldn't help but think of Sonny, how he had been holding her at night, how hard he had been trying to take care of her, and how <em>pissed</em> she was at him right now.  </p><p>Dr. Hanover shifts in her seat, looking at Amanda curiously, "You look upset." Amanda nods, looking at her hands as Dr. Hanover gives a knowing look. "You missed the cuddling, <em>didn't you</em>?"</p><p>Amanda rolls her eyes, "It is all<em> purely platonic</em>. But it did help."</p><p>"Platonic cuddling?" Hanover says with an even wider smile, "And during this platonic cuddling. How did it feel?"</p><p>"Nice," Amanda admitted as if thinking aloud. Sonny always made her feel safe, he always made her feel wanted, and he had always taken care of her, sometimes, whether she liked it or not. She looks down at both her hands, embarrassed, 'platonic cuddling' suddenly didn't seem so<em> platonic</em>.</p><p>"Why didn't he spend last night with you?"</p><p>"I told him not to. He had work today, and it seemed selfish to ask him to spend the night when it wasn't a weekend", she says, shifting in her seat.</p><p>"But you wanted him to."</p><p>Amanda smirks, "I just like having him around. He's my best friend, and he's the closest thing my girls have to a father," she swallows, "And he's the best partner I ever had. I thought this was supposed to be a fit for duty exam. Shouldn't you be asking me questions about whether I'll harm myself or others?" Amanda says, annoyed. She wanted to get her gun back.</p><p>"I will. But there is a lot to digest here…." Dr. Hanover looks back in her notes in the book she's holding. "You told me he's good with your kids, and you enjoy his company. He's funny and smart. Did you two ever <em> hint  </em>at developing into something more?"</p><p>"Well, we almost kissed when we were working a case, but that was a long time ago, and alcohol had been involved." </p><p>It had been a perfect night. It had been the most fun that they ever had working on a case together. She had seen the hidden meaning in his eyes when he told her, '<em>You're a helluva partner </em>.' For once, the timing had been perfect. Amanda knew then just how much he loved her and how much he adored her daughter. She had thought about it for a second, how close she had been to leaning in, how natural it seemed to do so…</p><p>"And let me guess you pulled away from him?" Dr. Hanover smirks.</p><p>"I don't know why," Amanda admits as if realizing it for the first time. She doesn't tell her that she had slept with the bartender she met at the bar. <em> What was his name </em> ? <em>Rick</em>? Just so she wouldn't feel so alone that night.</p><p>"How did he seem after that?" Dr. Hanover asks.</p><p>"He was hurt."</p><p>Amanda swallows; Sonny had seemed so disappointed and defeated. It took a solid three days before Sonny could speak with her again and another two weeks before he really looked into her eyes. Even then, he had still come by just to check up on Jesse, offering his usual unsolicited advice, which she had tried her best not to be annoyed by because she could tell how upset he was.</p><p>"Because he likes you."</p><p>"Yeah, he's always been very clear about that," Amanda says quietly. Sonny had never said anything directly, but it had been evident in every thought and action he had ever done for her. He never had to tell her; she always knew.</p><p>"The last two days when you were with him, how did you feel?"</p><p>"I felt wonderful…We took the girls to the museum and the park. He made us dinner, fixed my kitchen sink, cleaned my apartment, and it was kind of like how everything was before he left for the DA's office."</p><p>Dr. Hanover looks at her with a knowing look, "You want to know what I think?"</p><p>"You charge me $120 a session. It would be nice if you told me something for once."</p><p>"I think you keep pushing away the one person who matters the most to you because you are afraid he will hurt you as other men have..." </p><p>Amanda shakes her head in disbelief, her arms folded. <em> That was nuts</em>. Dominick wasn't her father who abandoned her. He wasn't an abuser and manipulator like Patton. He wasn't conceited like Al. He didn't have an attitude like Murphy. Since he entered her life, Dominick had always been the one good thing in her life. The most trustworthy man she had ever known.</p><p>Amanda smirks, "Your theory is <strong>crazy</strong> – that would mean I was holding him responsible for the mistakes of other men."</p><p>And Dominick was definitely not like any other man she had ever known.</p><p>Dr. Hanover bites her lip, "Clearly I'm wrong," she says sarcastically. "Up until he left for the DA's office, he was the most reliable man in your life, and I think that is why you have this unresolved anger about him leaving."</p><p>Amanda rolls her eyes. She leans forward on her knees again, "I just miss him," she admits. Dr. Hanover gives her a knowing smile. Her mind felt like it was racing again.</p><p>Amanda gets up uncharacteristically from the couch to pace. She felt like she was going <em>crazy</em> – part of her suspected that Dr. Hanover would name a disorder after her.</p><p>She thought back to that day in the SVU squad breakroom. The day Dominick told her that he got his dream job.</p><p>...</p><p>"I got it! I got it!" Sonny said, going into the break room. He was doing some ridiculous victory dance that made Amanda smile. She never saw him happier. "<strong> I got it </strong>!" he said, incoherently again as he lifted her into a hug.</p><p>"You got what?!" she laughed as he sets her down. He took her hand and danced around with her in a circle while Amanda laughed at how ridiculous he was being. </p><p>"I got the ADA position!" Amanda had been the first person he had wanted to tell.</p><p><em> "What?" </em>She said, shell-shocked.</p><p>"I thought I blew the interview…." He bit his lip as he looked off in the distance, in disbelief smiling. When Sonny had told Amanda he applied for the ADA position; it never occurred to her that he would<em> get it</em>. He was not a career attorney. He wasn't<em> supposed to get it</em>.</p><p>"Barba must still have some pull up there. Put in a good word for me or something."</p><p>"Barba, of course," Amanda muttered, thinking out loud as she folded her arms. "Congratulations," she said with a forced smile.</p><p>She knew that being a cop had not been what Dominick had wanted to do – she knew that he had stayed up till 2 AM some nights studying for his law classes at Fordham and how he proof-read papers he had written on his lunch break.…<em> She wanted to be happy for him. After all, he had </em><em>done for her; she </em><strong><em>owed </em></strong><em>it to him.  </em>He was so happy. The happiest she had ever seen him.</p><p>"Thanks," Sonny said, noticing something in the way she looks at him. "It's a great opportunity, and honestly, I'm not sure I'll get another shot," he said to her as though he's trying to justify it. </p><p>Amanda smiled and nodded in agreement. "I know. I am<strong><em> really </em></strong>happy for you," she said with as much fake enthusiasm as she could muster. His eyes furrowed in concentration as she touched his arm, turning to leave.</p><p>"Rollins…." He called out to her.</p><p>Amanda looked back at him.</p><p>"…Do I have a reason to stay?"</p><p>"What do you mean? It's what you always wanted, right?"</p><p>"Yeah." His smile faded from his face. "It is."</p><p>...</p><p>Amanda takes a deep breath as she realizes he would have<em> stayed</em>. If she had asked him too, he would have given up everything he had ever wanted, his dream for her instead. She sits down on the couch again as she looks at Dr. Hanover, "He would have turned down the job if I had told him to stay."</p><p>Amanda looks down at her hands. She finally realizes, "He really would do anything for me…"</p><p>Dr. Hanover nods, "We usually will do anything for the people we love."</p><p>Amanda smiles, understanding that every time Sonny had said '<em>I would do anything for you</em>,' he had been saying  <em> I love you </em>to her. It was the only way she would allow him to say it to her. Dr. Hanover looks at her, offering a box of tissues. Amanda doesn't realize it, but she is crying silently.</p><p>"So you like it when he's there, and you miss him when he's not there. Amanda that sounds like love to me, and the longer you deny that you're not just hurting him. You're hurting yourself."</p><p>Amanda shakes her head, "No," <em> That was crazy</em>. Amanda knew when Sonny said he would do anything for her that he actually meant it. She could no longer deny that she liked it when he took care of her or that it felt nice when he held her. Everything felt complete when he was around. Dr. Hanover notices how contemplative Amanda's eyes are. <em>She couldn't be in love with someone and not realize it... Could she</em>?</p><p>She finally realizes.</p><p>"I would do anything for him."</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>NEW YORK COUNTY SUPREME COURT </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> Monday, November 25th 60 CENTRE STREET </strong>
</p><p>Amanda hated visiting Sonny when he was working. He was <em>different </em>there; he always had too much hair gel on, a suit from Banana Republic, and he was always so serious he didn’t have his usual witty sense of humor. It was as though he was uncomfortable in his own skin there... That he realized he wasn’t himself.</p><p>Amanda couldn’t deny she<strong> wanted </strong>to see him. It didn’t help that Jesse had been asking him about him non-stop either. </p><p>She watches from a distance as he talks animatedly with Hadid about something. But Amanda can read from his face that Sonny is resigned to whatever Hadid is telling him. He isn’t putting up much of a fight. </p><p>Sonny looks over in Amanda’s direction. He smiles sadly and finishes his conversation before approaching her. “I hear if you throw water on her, she’ll melt,” Amanda said, looking in Hadid’s direction.</p><p>Sonny smiles, “I should try that sometime.”</p><p>He looks at Amanda more seriously, “How did your meeting with Dr. Hanover go?”</p><p>“How it usually goes, she has the ability to talk in circles about nothing,” Amanda said irritated, sighing, “…But some of the stuff she said actually made sense <em>for once</em>.” He nods, “That’s good.”</p><p>“She recommended I take another week off. I thought it was a good idea.” </p><p>Sonny looks at her, surprised, his brows furrowing. “You went along with that?” It seemed out of character for Amanda. She ran a hand through her hair, “What can I say? It’s been a weird couple of days.”</p><p>“I brought you lunch,” she says, holding out a brown paper bag. Sonny looks wide-eyed at her. Amanda smirks, “Don’t worry, I didn’t <em>cook </em>anything.” He looks inside the bag, “I love a good PB &amp; J, cheese-stick, and cold Pop-Tart for lunch. Thanks ‘Manda.”</p><p>“It was Jesse’s idea.” Sonny nods in understanding, that explains the heart with the backward ‘S’ on the bag, with his name.</p><p>“You OK, Rollins?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine. Do you have time to talk?”</p><p>Sonny looks over in Hadid’s direction; she’s doing a death glare at him as she talks with another attorney.“I could use some fresh air,” he says, gently touching her shoulder as he leads her away. Amanda looks back at Hadid as if noticing something in her eyes that she hadn’t seen before.</p><p>___________________</p><p>Sonny finds a spot on the courthouse steps and sits down. Amanda sits next to him as he opens the brown paper bag, “You don’t have to actually eat that,” Amanda says. Sonny shakes his head. “You know I’ll break Jesse’s heart if I don’t…” he says as he gives her half the sandwich. Amanda smiles at him. </p><p>“She loves you. You’re like the male version of Mary Poppins.”</p><p>“Well, it’s easy when they’re great kids.”</p><p>He looks at her closer.</p><p>“Did you get any sleep last night?” he asks, noticing the slight bags under her eyes. She nods, “Some” she couldn’t deny she was still having nightmares about Patton but, she didn’t want to worry him needlessly. Amanda looks at him curiously as she eats her sandwich, “Why didn’t you come by this morning?”</p><p>He looks at her, perplexed, “You wanted me to come by?” Sonny was so used to Amanda, pushing him away.</p><p>“I guess I did. I thought you would show up on my doorstep with a box of cannolis and a cup of coffee.”</p><p>He looks at her with a smile; she wasn’t sick of him. He can read between the lines to tell that she missed him. "Rain check?" he says with a smile. Amanda nods as he hands her a cheese stick from the bag.</p><p>Amanda remembers the look that Hadid gave her, “Is anything going on between you and Hadid?”</p><p>Sonny shakes his head, nearly choking on his sandwich, “<strong>No.</strong> She hates my guts, and believe me, the feeling is mutual. Why would you ask that?” </p><p>Amanda sighs. </p><p>“I’ve worked with you….” </p><p><em> She knew it was only a matter of time</em>.</p><p>“… You’ll weasel yourself into her cold-dead heart. I’m sure.”  <em> He had for her</em>. Sonny shakes his head, humorlessly. His brows furrowing as he realized something, Amanda’s animosity towards Hadid, how angry she got by the mention of her name. He bit his lip, laughing to himself. </p><p>“Rollins, you’re<em> not jealous</em>?” </p><p>“She just spends more time with you these days than I do.” It wasn’t lost on Amanda that Hadid got to see him every day. Sonny couldn't help but find her jealousy adorable. But he also knew from working with Amanda that her hunches were usually right. He smirked.</p><p>“Well, she’s not <em>my type</em>.” </p><p>Amanda sighs, rolling her eyes, “And what exactly is your type?”</p><p>He looked at her with a smile, “I prefer blondes,<em> ideally </em>emotionally complicated ones.”</p><p>Amanda smiles. Sonny is no longer trying to hide his feelings. He’s been as honest as he can be with her regarding everything. He breaks apart a Pop-Tart and hands it to her.</p><p>“I haven’t been very fair to you. I’ve been thinking of that day when you told me you got the ADA position. If I had asked you to stay, you would have…” Sonny is quiet and pensive for a moment.</p><p>Amanda finally understands it, but he says it anyway.</p><p>“I would do anything for you.”</p><p>“Except wear another man’s underwear,” she says, remembering his joke from Saturday.</p><p>He smiles, “Yeah, I do draw the line there, Rollins…” She sees something in his eyes as he does his sideways smile for her.</p><p>"Do you ever miss being a cop?" she asks. Sonny had always seemed so good at it.</p><p>"Nah, I just miss you," he admits honestly.</p><p>Sonny was accustomed to Amanda, ignoring all his advances. But, she looks back at him in full understanding. He notices a faint blush on her cheek as she puts a wayward strand of hair behind her ear.</p><p>He wonders if he should collect on that – <em> rain check </em>she gave him last night. There’s no better time and no three-year-old around who will ask questions. Before he can think about it more, his phone vibrates. The timing has always gotten in their way...<em><br/>
</em></p><p>“I’m changing my phone number. Hadid can always send one of her flying monkeys if it is really important.” Amanda shakes her head with a smile. “ADA Carisi-“he answers, irritated, he listens, and it’s really a one-sided conversation he sighs, “Thanks for letting me know.”</p><p>Amanda looks at him curiously as he ends the call. He runs his hand over his face, “Getz committed suicide. They found him in his cell this morning.”</p><p>“Does Frank know?” Amanda asks.</p><p>“It hasn’t been released to the press <em>yet</em>.”</p><p>“He isn’t going to handle that well.” She can just imagine how well he will handle it from behind prison walls.</p><p>Sonny sighs as he touches her shoulder gently, “We did our best, Amanda, that’s all we can do, and Bucci made his choices.”</p><p>“Maybe I should go tell Frank the last thing he needs is to hear about it on the news,” she says thoughtfully. Sonny shakes his head in disbelief; she can’t possibly be thinking of going to see Bucci<em>; he’s unstable</em>. “Hanover still hasn’t cleared you for duty yet,” he reasons.</p><p>Amanda shrugs, “I can go visit him as a civilian.” </p><p>He shakes his head. Of course, she’s going to visit him. And there is no way he was going to let Amanda visit Bucci alone.</p><p>Sonny sighs, “I’m coming with you.”</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>RIKERS ISLAND</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Monday, November 25<sup>th</sup> </strong>
</p><p>Frank Bucci enters in an orange jumpsuit. He looks <em>rough.  </em>“Amanda?” he says. Sonny stands in a corner. His arms are crossed as he watches the scene unfold, taking deep breaths. “Hey, Frank. How are you doing?” she asks. </p><p>“Well, the food and the accommodation aren’t great. Neither was my roommate when he found out I used to be a cop. What are you doing here?” Frank asks as they both take seats at a metal table. Frank has a noticeable black eye and bruises on his face.</p><p>“I wanted to check up on you…” Amanda says. Bucci gives a smile; his black eye seems to have messed up his ability to smile fully; “Well, that is sweet, that's not fair you're using all your Southern charm on me... How are your little girls?” Sonny can tell that Bucci is into Amanda – <em>a little too into Amanda</em>, which only adds to his irritation.</p><p>“They’re good. How are yours?” Amanda replies. She is acting like he’s an old friend instead of someone who had a gun pointed at her head, which also bothers Sonny. </p><p>“My mom has got them, at least till my wife gets out of rehab. She says she is going to bring them by every other weekend.”</p><p>“That’s good. A year will go by faster than you know it,” she tries to reassure him. Bucci finally notices Sonny standing in the corner, “You brought a lawyer? I remember you. You handled Ivy’s case.”</p><p>“Hi, Frank.” </p><p>“This doesn’t seem like you’re here for a friendly visit.” </p><p>“Getz committed suicide. He was found in his cell this morning,” Sonny says. He doesn’t move from his spot in the corner. Amanda looks at Bucci sympathetically, “I’m so sorry, Frank, I just didn’t want you to hear about it on the news.”</p><p>“What?!?” He slams his fist on the metal table. He then starts to laugh maniacally. He’s not well. He looks at Amanda, whose face is laced with concern. </p><p>His laughter turns to tears—<strong>deep sobs</strong>. When the realization hits him everything, he had done… it had all been for nothing. Amanda watches as he starts to weep uncontrollably. “My Ivy…<em>my little girl</em>…” She had all her innocence stolen. She would never get justice.</p><p>“I know,” Amanda says quietly, wishing she could do something to make him feel better. She has two daughters just like Bucci; she understands his anger and his pain. Her hand reaches for his across the table. Amanda grips it rubbing her thumb across it as Sonny watches from a distance, his arms still folded.</p><p>Sonny can’t get over the fact that Frank had used Amanda as a pawn to get what he wanted – he held all the cards in the game. He had threatened to end her life, and he had the ability to do it. It had been the worst 24 hours of Sonny’s life. <em>The scariest -</em>he thought he could lose the one person who mattered the most to him.</p><p>But he sees how broken Bucci is by what happened to his little girl. Sonny can’t help but think of Jesse yesterday holding her stuffed dinosaur between her arms and how cute she looked with maple syrup dripping from her chin in the morning. He wants to have compassion for him rather than anger. </p><p>He swallows as he pulls out the metal chair next to Amanda and sits down.</p><p>“Frank, I’m really sorry about what happened to your daughter…” </p><p>He pauses.</p><p>“…But if we hadn’t been able to get Getz, would you have hurt Detective Rollins?”</p><p>“Carisi-“ Amanda says with a sigh. <em>It wasn’t the right time </em> —Bucci eyes Sonny before he looks over at Amanda, “I take it he’s a nice guy?”. Amanda gives him a sad smile, as though he is in on some inside joke, “Yeah, he’s a <strong>really </strong> nice guy.” </p><p>It has haunted Sonny. <em>Bucci had the gun. He had the power</em>. He couldn’t mitigate his anger, no matter how sympathetic a character Frank Bucci was. No matter how broken he seemed. </p><p>“No, Counselor, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what I put Amanda through…She’s a good person.” He pauses, leaning across the table to look into Sonny’s eyes, “I’m also sorry for what I put everyone who loves her through,” Frank says his eyes, laced with a mixture of sincerity and shame.</p><p>“I can accept that apology,” Sonny says as he leans across the table at Bucci. </p><p>He bites the inside of his mouth. He realizes what the<em> right thing </em>is… he also knows that the <em>right thing </em>is not always the easiest, and he’s been told by every priest that he has ever seen on Sunday that the only way to make things right is to atone for his sins. </p><p>“Frank, I should have never made the plea deal with Getz on Ivy’s case. I put my career above doing what was right. Your daughter deserved better. If I could go back in time, I would do things differently. I hope you can forgive me.”  </p><p>Frank looks at him, surprised, his eyes watering with unshed tears.</p><p>“Thank you, Counselor…” his voice cracks, “…That means a lot.” He looks over at Amanda with a melancholy smile, “He is a nice guy.”  </p><p>Sonny feels something and notices Amanda’s hand grasping his on the metal table. He lets out a contented exhale. Bucci looks closely at Sonny and Amanda’s hands, then looks up at her with a soft smile and subtle nod, “Good for you.”</p><p>___________________</p><p>Amanda and Sonny walk in silence out of Riker's Island as the razor wire gates close behind them. Amanda can tell he's fuming; the more he worked as an ADA, the more that ugly side of him came out. </p><p>Sonny looks like he wants to punch something.</p><p>"If I had just listened to my gut, none of this would have happened…" he says through gritted teeth as he paces. <em> His mind races</em>…Frank wouldn't be behind bars. Getz would have gotten the day in court he deserved, and Ivy would have a chance at closure. And Amanda's kidnapping could have been avoided. </p><p>"This is all my fault! I just let Hadid bully me!"</p><p>"None of this is your fault,"</p><p>"Of course, it is. It was my case! You're right, what was I thinking?! I'm not meant to be a lawyer. I'm just a joke to everyone!" </p><p>"Dominick, I know you, and there is <em>nothing </em>you can't do."</p><p>"Come on, 'Manda!" he shouts.</p><p>He bites his lip as he remembers what Amanda said to him that day in the squad room, '<em>I'd be fine if you were right beside me! </em>' he realizes he needs her too. When he was at SVU, he could be dealing with a difficult case that made him question everything. But, Amanda always had the ability to keep him grounded. She always had his back when he needed her.</p><p>She had kept him from losing himself in the job. Now that she's not there, he's frustrated and angrier. He doesn't feel like himself, and he's not fitting into his new role at the DA's office.</p><p>"I feel like I am losing myself. I don't like who this job has made me <em>become</em>," he admits to her. He used to advocate for justice but lately, he feels like he is just doing Hadid's bidding at the expense of everything else that matters. Something about the look in his sad eyes breaks Amanda's spirit.</p><p>She wanted to remind him who he really is...</p><p>Amanda takes his face between her hands, which seems to calm him down. Sonny's breathing steadies as he looks into her blue eyes. She takes a deep breath, "Listen to me, Stone was a nice guy, but he cared about the glory of it all, and Barba he cared about the win more than anything else. Do you think either of them would have admitted they were wrong? Or that they would do what you just did for Bucci? You <em>care</em> about people because it is a part of who you are…"</p><p>She pauses.</p><p>"It always has been. That kind of compassion and empathy changes people. It changed me... I don't know who I would be without it."</p><p>Sonny looked into her bright blue eyes as he stood in stunned silence. As Amanda's hand gently touched his face, she meant every word of it.</p><p>"Don't allow Hadid or anyone else change that about you."</p><p>He grabbed her hands and held them over his chest. Amanda swallowed. She knew would she always be there to remind him who he was if he needed her to, "You have to hang in there, Dominick."</p><p>His phone vibrates.</p><p>"You should get that," Amanda says as she removes her hands from his, but he ignores it. Sonny's breathing is erratic and deep as he stares at her. Amanda puts her hands into her coat pockets as she walks towards the car.</p><p>But he's not moving from the spot he's in. She turns around and looks back at him, "Is something wrong?" she asks him; she has no idea what's going on in his head. "No," he whispers. </p><p>It's possibly the worst possible setting. Everyone knows Riker Island's smells because it was built on what used to be a landfill. Sonny has imagined this moment for the last five years, and this was definitely is not in any of the scenarios. He had wanted to give her more romance, like on one of the horrible reality TV shows she watches. He always felt Amanda<strong> deserved </strong>it.  </p><p>…But they have never gotten the timing right for anything in their relationship.</p><p><em>Why would they now</em>?</p><p>Sonny approaches her with a masked expression that Amanda can't read. "Dominick," she says as though she is asking him a question. He seems pale and nervous. "I'm really sorry," he says to her. </p><p>"Sorry for what?" Amanda asks, confused, as his hands rub her elbows, and hers rub his in return. Amanda's body naturally leans into his as he leans his forehead against hers, closing his eyes summoning his courage. She's pushed him away before, but he doesn't believe she will do it now. Sonny cradles her face and looks into her eyes, "I just can't wait for another moment…" he says quietly.</p><p>And he kisses her.  </p><p>Taking her lips in between his, as he naturally pulls Amanda closer to him… <em>She's not pulling away</em>. To his surprise, Amanda's arms wrap around his neck as she pulls him closer. To Sonny, it sort of feels like he's dreaming while he's awake.</p><p>And he can't stop.</p><p>His kiss is unlike any Amanda has ever experienced before. He takes short moments just to exhale. Amanda, can't help but pull him closer; she doesn't want him to stop; she can't help but gently tug at his neck.</p><p>He stops just to look into Amanda's eyes to make sure she's OK, that she has no regrets. He smiles faintly, his forehead leaning against hers. Amanda's hands move onto his chest to feel his rapid heartbeat.</p><p>She looks at him, and she takes in his simple smile.  Amanda still doesn't believe that she deserves him, but she knows now how much she selfishly needs him. “Dominick…” she whispers so low he can barely hear. Amanda looks at him, wondering why it took her <em>this long</em> to get to him.</p><p>And she pulls him back to her.</p><p>Amanda takes his lips between hers. Her kiss is needier. She finally understands just how much she has always needed him. To her, it feels like she's finally breathing for the first time in five years. Tongues accidentally clashing against teeth, mouths opening wider as she pulls him closer to deepen her kiss, as Sonny gently caresses her hair.</p><p>Amanda's heart feels like it will explode out of her chest as she catches her breath. Sonny is just amazed, but he's always found her amazing, "' Manda," he says with the widest smile she's ever seen on his face, even bigger than when he found out about the ADA position.</p><p>She can't help but smile in return. Amanda didn't realize how much it would mean to her; to be the cause for his happiness. He rubs her cheek with his thumb—both of them catching their breath. “Are you happy?” he asks her. Amanda just nods, in return, her eyes watering.</p><p>Sonny kisses the top of her head as he holds her in his arms, letting out a contented sigh, "I've got you…" he says with a smile resting his chin on top of her head.</p><p>…<em>I</em><em>'ve got you, and I'm not letting you go.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>**Not sure if I did/did not break SVU cannon with Getz's death in "Must Be Held Accountable" there was no episode scene card with the date of his death (<i>my presumption is he died on Monday</i>)</p><p>I hope this makes up for the lack of an SVU episode this week! 2020 what a year it has been... I'll be honest and say I have been disappointed with the season thus far, Season 21 was so awesome, and I think we all may have gotten a little spoiled by it.<br/>Hopefully, when they return on January 7th - it will include Amanda giving Sonny a pep talk during the Barba/Carisi showdown. (I'm not sure how I'll handle it if it doesn't).<br/> <br/>Was I the only person who was yelling at their TV during the "Can't Be Held Accountable" episode -wanting Dr. Hanover to call Amanda out?!?</p><p>If you were like me and hoping for a mention of a Rollins/Carisi quarantine scenario last week but were sadly disappointed these are my 2 favorite Rollisi CoVid 19 related fan fictions:<br/><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26821783/chapters/65435806">If The World Was Ending</a> by Berytni<br/><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26628259/chapters/64930651">Set Wide The Window</a> by jonasnightingale</p><p>Thanks once again for hanging in there with me. For all the love this little fan fiction has gotten from the SVU squad. The kudos, subscribes, and comments. It's amazing!!!</p><p> </p><p>Up next: Spaghetti night</p><p>Hang in there, Dominick.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Monday, November 25th/Tuesday, November 26th</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Rollisi squad this is the longest chapter I've ever written. Consider it two SVU episodes in one.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Monday, November 25<sup>th</sup></strong>
</p><p>After Riker’s Island, during the car ride back to the DA’s office, Sonny couldn’t stop smiling the entire time as he looked over at Amanda, who was quiet and thoughtful.</p><p>“So you and Bucci seemed friendly,” he says, his hands on the stirring wheel, “ ’Manda, Should I be worried? You’re not going to become a jailhouse pen-pal or something like on one of your reality TV shows?” Amanda smirks, rolling her eyes at him. He’s clearly trying to get her to laugh.</p><p>“Bucci is not my type.”<br/><br/>He looks over at her, curiously, “What exactly is <em>your type</em>?”.  She looks over at him, with a look he has only seen her use on other men, “I like a somewhat charming Italian with a sense of humor, who can cook.”</p><p>His smile widens as his other free hand seeks hers. "I don't know how I'm going to do it," he says quietly.</p><p>"Do what?" Amanda asks quietly, snuggling closer.</p><p>"Leave you and the girls over Thanksgiving. I'll be gone for four days."</p><p>Amanda sits up; she forgot about Thanksgiving. <strong>Four days </strong>suddenly seems like a long time. Amanda reminds herself she’s gone for weeks without <em>really</em> seeing him outside of work. Sonny looks over at her, curiously, “ ’Manda, are you OK?”<br/><strike><span class="u"><br/></span></strike>“Yeah. I’m good,” she says, but she feels sick to her stomach. It’s selfish, but Amanda wants to ask him to stay. She knows she can’t make him choose between her and his family. He can see it by the look in her eyes, the inner conflict she’s having.</p><p>“I can leave early, maybe on Friday.” He usually stayed till Sunday. But he honestly doesn’t know how he will get through four days not seeing her or the girls even if he Facetimes every day.</p><p>“I couldn’t ask you to do that…” Amanda swallows, “It’s a holiday you’re supposed to spend it with family.”</p><p>Sonny smiles sadly, “Well, you and the girls are a part of my family too.” That’s why he’s asked her every year to come. It has always seemed like Amanda, and the girls belonged there with him. “Are you sure you can’t come?”</p><p>“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Dominick.”</p><p>He swallows, “Why?” he asks, disappointed.</p><p>She looks down at her hands, embarrassed. “I’ve never met anyone’s parents before.” That was uncharted territory for her, she had never met a boyfriend’s or a <em>sort of </em>boyfriend’s parents before – Sonny, and she still haven’t labeled what they are.</p><p>Sonny looks at her, confused, “Not even Pollack’s parents?” <em>She had his baby</em>.</p><p>Amanda shakes her head, “I’m not really the type of girl guys take home.” She’s always understood that. Sonny snickers sensing her insecurity. “Ma will <strong>love</strong> you.”<br/><br/>“You’re just saying that.”</p><p>Sonny shakes his head. He has told his mother about Amanda for years. He's pretty sure his mother knows that he's hopelessly in love. After all, she's never tried to set him up as most Italian Catholic mothers would. </p><p>“I’ve told my mother about you. She may think I’m making you up.” Amanda can tell how much he wants her and the girls to spend Thanksgiving with him.</p><p>“Come on, ‘Manda, don’t make me spend another holiday without you and the girls.” Amanda realizes they've never spent a holiday together. She also knows how happy it will make him if she agrees to come.</p><p>…And suddenly his happiness really matters to her.</p><p>“OK. We’ll go," she agrees.</p><p>“ 'Manda, you just agreed to spend four days with my family on Staten Island. Should I administer a sobriety test or something?” he jokes. Amanda shakes her head, “ I would do anything for you.” Sonny gives her a wide smile.</p><p>“Does spaghetti sound good for dinner?” he asks.</p><p><em>Spaghetti night</em>. It used to be a weekly thing. But it’s been so long since they’ve had one. She nods, grasping his hand closer as she rests her head on his shoulder.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>NEW YORK COUNTY SUPREME COURT </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Monday, November 25th 60 CENTRE STREET </strong>
</p><p>Amanda feels a strange sensation that <strong>pulls</strong> her towards him. Sonny has always felt it since they started working together – a need to keep her safe, take care of her, and make her happy. <em>Finally,</em> Amanda feels it too.</p><p>She stays with him as he has arraignment hearings; those are usually the most mundane part of his job. Sonny is pretty sure Amanda must be bored out of her mind, but each time he looks into the courtroom gallery, their eyes lock, and he smiles.  Amanda can’t help but smile back.</p><p>Sonny is clearly unfocused and slightly off his game. Judge McNamara notices it. “Are you OK, Counselor?”</p><p>“I’m fine, your Honor, just looking forward to the long weekend,” he says with a smile, shifting through his papers at the podium. He’s clearly just running down the clock till he can leave.  </p><p>________</p><p>“I’ve got some paperwork I have to finish for Hadid before I can come over,” Sonny says outside of the courtroom after he finishes his arraignment hearings. Amanda nods, “I probably should go relieve Sienna anyway.”</p><p>They walk in the direction of the elevator. Sonny had a million questions he wanted to ask her, but there was one he definitely needed an answer to, “What are we going to tell Jesse?”</p><p>Amanda shakes her head, “I don’t think we should tell her - <em>just</em> <em>yet</em>.”</p><p>He looks at her, surprised.  <br/><br/>“I don’t want to confuse her. You’ve been her uncle for her whole life.”</p><p>“ 'Manda, I’m pretty sure she’d throw us a party.” He’d been looking forward to telling Jesse. Part of him suspects she knew even when she was still in diapers how he felt about her mother...He also knows that Jesse has always been on<em> his side </em>no matter what<em>.</em> </p><p>“I know that. That’s what I’m afraid of…,” she mutters. Amanda could deal with disappointment, but she wasn’t sure her three-year-old could.</p><p>Sonny looks at her, confused, “Dominick, I’m pretty good at messing stuff up,” she explains, running a hand through her hair. Amanda knew as soon as the squad found out they’d be taking bets on how long it would take for her to ruin it. She felt that whatever Fin guessed, he’d probably be right.</p><p>Sonny can sense her worry; he stops walking and looks into her eyes, “Well, it happens I’m pretty good at fixing things.” He smiles, gently tapping her shoulder with a folder he’s holding, “I’m <strong>not</strong> worried.” She still hadn’t managed to scare him off yet.</p><p>They continued to walk, but he could see how guarded, and worried Amanda really was.  Sonny just wanted them all to be happy.</p><p>...It felt like it was finally time. </p><p>He looks into her worried eyes, "Short of an act of God, I'm not going anywhere 'Manda. I hope you know that."</p><p>Amanda smiles sadly at him.</p><p>"And even if I died tomorrow, I'd come back just to haunt you," he says with a smile. She was never going to get rid of him that <em>easily</em>. Amanda shakes her head, "I'm sure you would."</p><p>He smiled at her as he pressed the button to the elevator for her. “Six o’clock sound good?”<br/><br/>Amanda nods.</p><p>"I'm looking forward to it."<br/><br/>He lets out a contented exhale, "Me too." Once the elevator arrives, he holds the door open as Amanda steps inside."Give our girls a kiss from me," he says before letting go of the door. Amanda watches as the elevator doors closed.</p><p>
  <em>Did he realize what he just said to her?</em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>DETECTIVE AMANDA ROLLINS APARTMENT</strong>
</p><p><strong>Monday, November 25<sup>th</sup></strong> <strong>355 WEST 117<sup>th </sup></strong><strong>STREET</strong></p><p>When Amanda opens the door, she sees Sonny standing there. She notices his sleeves are rolled up, and he looks more like the Carisi she knows<em> then</em>, ADA Carisi. He doesn’t say anything, but Amanda sees an intensity in his eyes. </p><p>He approaches her and slowly takes her hand in his, entwining their fingers together. Sonny pulls her towards him; Amanda can feel his breath as his forehead rests on hers. He pulls her even closer and kisses her. </p><p>“You have no idea how many times I’ve been over here and wanted to do that,” he whispers with a smile. Amanda looks at him closer; she moves her mouth to speak, but before she can. “Jess,” he says quietly as he hears Jesse’s footsteps in the hallway, and they pull apart. </p><p>Jesse runs up to him. “Uncle Sonny!” he picks her up in a bear hug. “Hey, did you grow an inch overnight?” he asks her.</p><p>Jesse shrugs, “I dunno,” she says as Sonny holds her on his hip; Amanda watches it and smiles. </p><p>“Did momma bring you lunch?” Jesse asks, coyly playing with his tie. Sonny knew Jesse had a hidden agenda. He smirks, “She did. How did you know PB&amp;J was my favorite?” Sonny asks her. </p><p>Jesse gives a tiny smile, with a giggle, “I just knew.” It always left her breathless, how they seemed to belong together, and the kind of bond they had. Sonny looks over at Amanda, noticing something in her eyes, “Are you OK, Rollins?” he asks. Amanda nods, “I’m just happy,” she says with a smile. </p><p>Jesse fiddles with his tie, “Me too.” Jesse knew he’d come back. <em> He would always come back</em>. Sonny kisses the top of her tiny head. He then leans over to Amanda and kisses the top of her head. </p><p>Jesse notices that her mother doesn’t fight it or looked surprised; instead, she just smiles back at Sonny.</p><p>________</p><p>It has been so long since they had a spaghetti night. Amanda hears Jesse and Sonny laughing in the kitchen as she plays with Billie in the living room. It feels natural for Sonny to be with her and the girls – like he was meant to be there. Once dinner is ready, they all sit at the table. Sonny looks over at Jesse. “Jesse, what is the Carisi family secret to spaghetti?”</p><p>“It’s all about the meatballs…” they repeat in unison together.  </p><p>“You have good meatballs. You’re bound to have great spaghetti,” Sonny says, pointing his fork at her. He had hope that he’d be able to teach at least one of the Rollins girls how to cook a decent meal. </p><p>“I've always loved your meatballs, Dominick,” Amanda says with a smirk. Sonny looks at her curiously. It was clear she was flirting with him. “Spaghetti is your mom’s favorite,” he says to Jesse.</p><p>“I like spaghetti too!” Jesse says, wiggling in her seat. </p><p>“Billie’s never had spaghetti before," Amanda says, sitting her in her highchair. Sonny smiles as he cuts up a meatball for Billie as she sits in the highchair. “You’re going to love it, Billie.” Sonny looks over at Amanda’s plate and adds more meatballs to it. “You’re not eating enough,” he says with worry as she rolls her eyes. </p><p>“Counselor Rawr likes spaghetti,” Jesse says, holding her stuffed dinosaur between her arms. Sonny looks over at her, amused, “He must be Italian.” </p><p>“Am I Italian too?” Jesse asks. Amanda’s mouth is open to respond; Jesse was probably more Irish than anything. Instead, Sonny smiles at her, “You’re honorary, Carisi. That makes you an honorary Italian.”</p><p>Billie drops a meatball to the floor, which Franny quickly eats, and Jesse moves hair out of her face as she crunches her garlic bread. </p><p>"Jess, where did the spaghetti go dancing?" Sonny asks.</p><p>Jesse shrugs her shoulders.</p><p>"The meat-<em>ball</em>."</p><p>Jesse laughs out loud as bread crumbs fall to the table. "Uncle Sonny, you're funny." Amanda shakes her head.</p><p>Sonny grows quiet and thoughtful. He had missed their spaghetti nights. It always made him feel<em> complete</em>. The last couple of months at the DA’s office, he’s<strong> needed </strong>this. Amanda and the girls – it just always felt right when he was with them. “Dominick, are you OK?” Amanda asks. </p><p>He smiles to himself. </p><p>“I’m really happy,” he says as his hand gently squeezes Amanda’s neck. She looks at him intensely with a smile. Jesse stops slurping up her spaghetti, a bit of marinara ending up on her chin. </p><p>“Why do you keep calling Uncle Sonny <em>Dominick</em>?” Jesse asks her mother as she munches on a meatball on her fork. Sonny laughs, Amanda hasn’t realized it, but she’s been calling Sonny his given name all night. Amanda looks over at Sonny. He drinks his wine, smirking<em> she was on her own</em>; he wanted to hear her answer. “It’s his name, honey…” </p><p>Jesse giggles, “No, that’s silly, mommy, his name is Sonny.”</p><p>Amanda rolls her eyes, “I guess it’s a <em>special </em> name.” Sonny has a twinkle in his eye as he looks over at Amanda. “Sometimes we have special names for <em>special </em>people.” </p><p>“Kind of like how I call your mom, ‘Manda,” he says, helping her out. “It’s my special name for her.” </p><p>“Oh,” Jesse says aloud as if she realizes something. Jesse notices how Uncle Sonny looks at her mother when he thinks she isn’t watching. Jesse knows Uncle Sonny loves her mother. <em> He always has</em>. But her mother is now looking at him the same way too. Jesse sits straighter in her seat, her head resting on her hand “Uncle Sonny, are you and momma, like Ken and Barbie?” </p><p>Amanda chokes a little on her wine as Sonny snickers. </p><p>“I guess we are. Are you OK with that?” Sonny asks, pointing his fork at her. Jesse nods with a big grin, both her elbows on the table. Sonny can’t help but smile in return as he looks over at Amanda. </p><p>She can see it in his eyes, how purely happy he is. Jesse looks at them, noticing their sideways glances, with a big smile. Her eyebrows furrow as if she’s thinking of something. “Uncle Sonny…”</p><p>His eyes leave Amanda’s to look over at Jesse as she wiggles in her seat. </p><p>“Ken and Barbie get married, <em> don’t they</em>?”</p><p>Sonny looks over at Amanda; it has always been so easy to love her, to consider her girls as his own, and her home as his. Clearing his throat as he looks into Jesse's bright blue eyes.</p><p>“I think they do.”</p><p>Jesse smiles even wider as she kicks her little feet in the air.</p><p>________</p><p>“I don’t know how I managed to<em> not sleep </em>with you and still somehow ended up with your kid,” Amanda says to Sonny after he finishes putting the girls to bed. She means it as a joke, but Amanda cringes once she realizes how it sounds. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean…”</p><p>But Sonny has a twinkle in his eye instead, “She’s really like me?” <em> He wasn’t just imagining that. </em>  Amanda smiles at him, “I think she is. Some days it seems like she is -  <strong> all you </strong>.”</p><p>She sits up straighter on the couch as Sonny hands her a beer. Jesse definitely had his sense of humor, and she was clever sometimes, too clever for her<em> own good</em>. Amanda even thinks Jesse has his<em> charm</em>; it manages to keep her out of trouble for the most part. </p><p>He sits down on the couch next to her, “At least she’s beautiful like you.” Amanda looks down, blushing as she plays with her bottle between her hands. “You’re wrong about Ken and Barbie; they don’t get married,” she says quietly. "They probably have the longest dating relationship in history," she jokes.</p><p>He takes a drink of his beer, shaking his head. “Rollins, I had three sisters, and they <em>definitely  </em>have a bridal Barbie.” </p><p>“You really want that?” she says seriously- <em>with her</em>.</p><p>He shrugs, “Maybe someday.” Sonny can see her apprehension at the mention of the subject. He straightens up, reminding himself the only marriage she had ever seen was her parents own messed up version of it. "'Manda, we are not your parents..." he reassures her gently.</p><p>Amanda leans forward on her knees. Her mind starts to wander to dark places in her childhood. Things she wishes she could forget from when she was Jesse’s age, remembering bruises on her mother that her father created. </p><p>She feels a hand rub her back; she looks over at Sonny as he sadly smiles at her. She remembers what Dr. Hanover had told her earlier; she reminds herself Dominick was not her father. He was incapable of hurting her. He’d never willingly leave her. </p><p>“Want to talk about it?”</p><p>Amanda looks down at her hands, “You know, Dominick, I have a lot of emotional baggage. I may not be worth all this trouble.”</p><p>She wants to give him an out. </p><p>“I’d understand if…”</p><p>Amanda lets out a sigh. </p><p>“…this is too much work for you.” </p><p>“You’re wrong, ‘Manda. You’re definitely worth the effort.” </p><p>Amanda smiles sadly at him as he puts his arm around her. She leans into him, resting her head on his shoulder. Instinctively Sonny holds her closer, resting his head on hers. She lets out a small sigh, “I really don’t know what I did to deserve you.” </p><p>Sonny smiles, gently touching her arm with his fingertips. “You were – <em>you... </em> And Amanda, that’s enough.” </p><p>He was certain that one day she would believe that too. </p><hr/><p>There was an awkward conversation about sleeping arrangements. Sonny kept insisting that he was fine with the couch. "You want me to sleep with you?" he asks her. "Rollins…" he scratched his head. </p><p>Amanda shook her head, "Not in that<em> way</em>…" <em>not yet anyway</em>. She sighs, "I just realize the couch isn't comfortable." </p><p>Sonny smiles. It was so Amanda – she wanted to sleep with him <em>without </em>actually sleeping with him. She rolls her eyes, "I missed you last night," she admits. He smiles back at her even wider, tangling her hands with his, "I kind of missed you too." He didn't get much sleep. He was worried about her all night. </p><p>"You're sure about that?" He worried that violated some hidden rule, they haven't even been on a formal date yet, and she barely let him tell Jesse about the change in their relationship. </p><p>Amanda snickers, "Yeah, I'm sure," she says, taking his face between her hands and kissing him. She was convinced it was inevitable that she would fall into his arms again regardless. He nods, "OK, then." </p><p>When they are both underneath the covers of her bed, and Amanda turns off the light. Sonny opens his arms for Amanda. Amanda snuggles even closer to him. Sonny doesn't loosen his grip; he's afraid if he lets go, she'll leave him. </p><p>"I always liked this," he says, thinking out loud. Holding Amanda always felt so natural to him. He lets out a contented sigh. "I like it too," she admits snuggling even closer to him, trying to keep warm. She feels him lean down, and he kisses her head. "Goodnight' Manda."</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>MANHATTAN SVU</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Tuesday, November 26<sup>th</sup> 16<sup>TH </sup>PRECINCT </strong>
</p><p>Sonny comes into the SVU squad room, pushing a stroller with Billie inside. Jesse is holding onto the stroller's side, her stuffed dinosaur tucked under her arm. Fin looks over at them as they enter, leaning back in his chair, "Counselor, are you Rollins personal nanny now?"</p><p>"I'm just helping Amanda out," he says, adjusting the diaper bag on his shoulder. </p><p>"Uncle Sonny said mommy was cranky," Jesse explains.</p><p>"We're letting mommy sleep in a little longer. She wasn't feeling very well this morning," he says with a sigh. It was clear Amanda may have had too much alcohol last night, she woke up with a headache, and he could also tell she had been pretty restless after she had a bad dream. He had barely managed to untangle himself from her in the morning. Fin raises his eyebrows, "Uh-huh. I take it you made pancakes again?"</p><p>"No, he made waffles!" Jesse says with a smile. Sonny rolls his eyes, setting the stroller in front of Fin's desk.</p><p>"They're going to stay here with you while I go talk with Aunt Olivia about boring work stuff," he sets Jesse down in an empty chair.</p><p>"Carisi- you make me lose twenty bucks, and now you make me <em>your babysitter</em>?" Sonny thrusts the diaper bag at Fin.</p><p>"That's what happens when you call me on my day off…"</p><p>Kat sitting at her desk, looks over at the scene smirking to herself with amusement. "Captain was the one who insisted," Fin defends.</p><p>"Fin -I'm trusting you! Watch my girls!" Sonny yells as he runs in the direction of Olivia's office.</p><p>Fin turns around in his swivel chair to look at Kat as she's on the phone, "Kat… we've got a situation." Kat puts her hand over the phone's mouthpiece. "No, Sergeant, you've got a situation. <em>You smell that</em>?" </p><p>Jesse looks at her sister, "Billie pooped."</p><p>"Did she?" he asks, gripping the diaper bag with a death grip. Jesse nods as Billie sucks the side of her fist.</p><p>________</p><p>Olivia and Sonny leave interrogation with a suspected pedophile and enter into her office, "I hate kid cases. I don't know how you and Amanda have kids and still manage to do the job."</p><p>"Doesn't get easier," Olivia sighs, "I'm sorry I called you on your day off, but I thought this was pretty important."</p><p>Sonny nodded in understanding; kid cases were always important.</p><p>"So you and Rollins?" she says with a smile. Sonny can't help but smile in return as Olivia sits behind her desk.  "Fin said when he visited Rollins the other day that you both seemed<em> cozy. </em>"</p><p>"Yeah, well, don't go collecting on that bet just yet. It wouldn't be Rollins if things weren't complicated."</p><p>Olivia smiles to herself, "No, it wouldn't. You seem happier."</p><p>"I am. I think Amanda is too. She's coming up to Staten Island for Thanksgiving."</p><p>Olivia quirks, her eyebrows in surprise, "That's a good idea, you get her alone, stuck on Staten Island with a bunch of loud Italians. She's bound to fall in love with you then; she'll have no other choice. " </p><p>Sonny smiles. If there has been one person that has always understood him. It was Liv.</p><p>….</p><p>It wasn't that long ago that Sonny had entered her office, "How did your excursion go?" Olivia had asked him after Amanda and Sonny had returned from West Virginia. </p><p>"Fine," he said with a sigh. Liv was not obtuse; she knew something happened. It was written all over his face. She had noticed how Carisi started emotionally<em> checking out </em>as soon as they got back from their road trip. Amanda hadn't been teasing him, and they haven't been bickering like an old married couple around the squad room.</p><p>"Maybe it's time I get a new partner."</p><p>Liv looks at him, curiously, "Why would you want that?"</p><p>Sonny looked down, disappointed, "I don't know. It just feels like it's time…" </p><p>"Sonny, I understand how easy it is to <em>feel </em>something towards your partner." Sonny shakes his head, "It's really not like that, Lieu…" At least Amanda didn't see it that way; she made that pretty clear to him.</p><p>"Did I ever tell you about my old partner?"</p><p>He shakes his head, "Stabler." He had heard rumors that had circulated around the squad room. Fin had told him stories. </p><p>"You and Rollins remind me a lot of us..."</p><p>Sonny looks at her curiously, "…He was someone who could be with me as I saw the worst that life has to offer. But simultaneously, he had this ability to remind me of the good in life too."</p><p>Liv smiles to herself. </p><p>"He understood me in a way that no else has ever been able to."</p><p>Sonny looks at her curiously, "What are you saying, Lieu?"</p><p>"I think you know what I'm saying, Carisi. And I know from personal experience, that kind of partnership is<em> pretty rare</em>. You don't find it again."</p><p>She looked directly into his eyes. </p><p>"…And you shouldn't give it up without a fight."</p><p>….</p><p>He bites his lip as he awkwardly runs, his hand through his hair. "Liv, I really should thank you…"</p><p>Olivia looks at him, curiously.</p><p>"…you didn't let me give up." </p><p>She gives him a soft smile, Olivia moves her mouth to say something, but they hear a loud <strong> 'knock' </strong> on the door. Olivia opens it. "I believe I have something that belongs to Carisi," Fin says, pushing the stroller inside with too much force, as Jesse bounces into Olivia's office.</p><p>Sonny notices Billie's pants are inside out, and he looks over at Jesse...</p><p>"Fin, <em>really</em>? You gave her candy; it's not even 10 AM?!?" </p><p>"It was just because he said a bad word," Jesse says, holding a box of Junior Mints. Uncle Fin had used some colorful language when he had been changing Billie's diaper in the breakroom. Fin gets down at eye level with her taking the box out of her hands, "You weren't supposed to tell him that."</p><p>Jesse shakes her head, "You said not to say the word. You didn't say I wasn't supposed to tell." Fin lets out a sigh, "Well, aren't you a little lawyer in the making" he says, giving the candy back. "I guess she takes after you, Carisi." </p><p>Sonny can't help but smile to himself, "Come on, Counselor," he says, gently touching the top of her head. "Happy Thanksgiving," he says to Olivia and Fin.</p><p>They repeat, "Happy Thanksgiving" in unison as he pushes the stroller out of the squad room, Jesse skipping beside it. "What word did Uncle Fin teach you?" he asks Jesse as they turn the corner and head towards the elevator. </p><p>Fin and Olivia watch as they leave. “Isn’t that so sweet it almost gives you a toothache,” Fin says with his hands in his pockets. He looks over at Olivia sadly, "How long do you think it will take for Rollins to screw that up?"</p><p>"My money is still on Carisi," Olivia says confidently.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong> DETECTIVE AMANDA ROLLINS APARTMENT</strong>
</p><p><strong>Tuesday, November 26<sup>th</sup></strong> <strong>355 WEST 117<sup>th </sup>STREET</strong></p><p>When Amanda answers the door, she sees Sonny standing there.He had an amused smile; unlike Al, he wasn't holding a bouquet; instead, he was holding a box of cannolis. She rolls her eyes with a smile as she lets him in. </p><p>"You didn't have to do that."</p><p>She looks down and sees Jesse chewing on a cannoli with a smile. Billie is sitting in her stroller, her chubby baby hands holding a cannoli; her eyes scrunched, she wasn't sure what to do with it. </p><p>"I know..." he sighs as he sets down the box on the table and then takes off his coat. "...But I wanted to." He could tell she still wasn't sick of him that she wanted him there. He leaned in and kissed the top of her head. </p><p>Jesse looked up and giggled at them as Sonny ruffled her hair. </p><p>"You feeling OK?" Sonny asked her as Amanda took Billie out of the stroller and put her in her baby swing in the living room. Amanda nodded. "Yeah, I'm OK. I took care of some errands and slept in a little."</p><p>"Did you rob a liquor store?" Sonny says, noticing the number of wine bottles in the kitchen. Amanda runs, a hand through her hair, "I figured your parents are Italian; they have to like wine… I just didn't know what kind." </p><p>So, Amanda had bought a bottle of everything she could find. <em>Worst comes to worst; she figured she would need to drink while they were there. </em>Sonny bites his lip smiling. He looks on the counter and sees canned cranberry sauce. </p><p>He picks it up questioningly, "It was the only Thanksgiving food that I could find that comes in a can," she explains. Sonny couldn't help but find her obvious nervousness adorable. </p><p>"You did tell your mom that I don't cook, right?" she asks him. Sonny nods, "My mom has been warned; she knows that the only thing you can cook is Chef Boyardee. You have nothing to worry about 'Manda, my parents are going to love you." </p><p>She folds her arms across her chest, "How can you be so sure?"</p><p>"Because I do." </p><p>Amanda loses her breath for a second, he's always implied he loves her, but it's the first time he's admitted it to her. Sonny can see the atmosphere shifting in the room. <em>He can't take it back</em>. <em>He'd never be able to deny it if she asks him</em>. </p><p>Amanda looks at him, curiously,  "Maybe we should get a sitter tonight."</p><p>He puts his hands on his hips, amused; "Rollins, are you asking me out?"</p><p>She shakes her head, "Kind of seems like it's time, Dominick. You just told me that you love me." Sonny snickers biting his lip; he had always imagined telling her differently. The timing has always been an issue. Amanda smiles back at him. He nods, with an intensity in his eyes, "Let me take care of the details…" </p><p>________</p><p>Sonny had reassured Amanda he'd be able to find a reliable sitter on short notice. She had left all the details to him. Around 6 o'clock, the sitter arrives. Sonny barely recognizes his friend. "Rafael?" he says in disbelief. It doesn't look like he's shaved since he left Manhattan.</p><p>"How are you doing?" Sonny asks, concerned. "I'm good," he says with a smile. Sonny lets him in, "Thanks for doing this."</p><p>Barba sighs, "Thanks for giving me an excuse to escape from my mother for a couple of hours..." Sonny takes it all in. He knows Barba's change in appearance has less to do with the loss of his job and more to do with the loss of Liv. "How are things going at the DA's office?" Barba asks as he takes off his coat. Sonny looks down, with a sigh, "Well they are, what they are."</p><p>"It comes with time; my first year as an ADA, I lost more cases than I won," Barba reassures him. </p><p>"I'm pretty sure my new boss Vanessa Hadid hates me too."</p><p>"Hadid is the new SVU Bureau Chief? Even as an ADA, her personality was as friendly as a porcupine."</p><p>"Well, she hasn't changed much then. Rafael, if you had stayed, that position would have been yours." </p><p>Barba snickers and gives him a melancholy smile, "I try not to look back." </p><p>"Have you told Liv you're in town for Thanksgiving?" Sonny asks him with a sigh. Barba shakes his head. Sonny realizes his friend was a glutton for punishment. He gives him a sad smile, "Sonny, I told you I try not to look back." </p><p>"We need to have a serious conversation sometime."</p><p>Barba sighs, "So you said this was an absolute emergency. You needed me to watch your two nieces…" </p><p>"Yeah. I needed a sitter. I have a date."</p><p>Barba's eyes quirk, "A date? That is your emergency."</p><p>Barba's eyes grow even wider towards the hallway, and Sonny turns around to see Amanda standing there. "' Manda…" Sonny says with a wide smile on his face. She looked stunning. She was wearing a black blouse and her best jeans. She smiles back at him, running her hand through her hair.</p><p>"Mommy, you look pretty," Jesse says with a smile from the living room. </p><p>"Barba?" Amanda can barely recognize him; she had never seen him in anything besides a suit. But he's standing in her living room wearing a stained Harvard Law sweatshirt and blue jeans. She gives him an awkward sympathetic hug, "How have you been doing?"</p><p>"I'm good," he says. Barba looks at Carisi in disbelief. <em> Rollins? </em><em>That was the woman he had a date with</em>?</p><p>She looks at Sonny questioningly. <em>This </em><em>was the sitter</em>? </p><p>"Counselor, you don't have to do this…" she knows Sonny can lay a good guilt trip when he needed to. "Do you even like kids?" she asks him. Barba snickers. </p><p>Sonny shrugs, "Trust me, he can't be worse than Fin. I have a feeling Ken and Alejandro don't use him much for babysitting. Besides, Liv told me, Rafael was great with Noah," he says, smacking his friend's shoulder. He had vetted him, <em>sort of</em>. "I can handle it, Rollins, unless your children are hardened criminals," he reassures her.</p><p>"No, her kids are great," Sonny says with a smile. He looks down at his watch, "We better get going." </p><p>Amanda gets down at eye level with Jesse, "You be good for Uncle…" she looked over at Barba, wondering what to call him "…<em> Barba </em>." Jesse nods as Amanda kisses her head. "You're really pretty," Jesse repeats to her mother again. "Thanks," she says with a smile.</p><p>"You know little Jesse over there is going to be a lawyer," Sonny says to Rafael proudly. "Jess – he's the best lawyer in the state; you should ask him for advice," Barba smirks, his hands in his pockets. <em>He used to be</em>. "Sonny, I'm not a practicing attorney."</p><p>Sonny shrugs, "You'll get back in the courtroom" he was sure of it. Amanda leaves the room to grab her coat. </p><p>"Uncle Sonny," Jesse gestures to him. He leans down as she whispers in Sonny's ear, "You're not supposed to kiss mommy on the head. Ken kisses Barbie on the lips." Jesse still hasn't seen Sonny and Amanda kiss one-another. Sonny snickers, "Thanks for the advice, Counselor," he says, ruffling her hair. Jesse smiles as he kisses her head.  </p><p>"So you and Amanda Rollins?"</p><p>Sonny gets his coat on, "We have a lot to catch up on."</p><p>"I guess we do."</p><p>"By the way, you owe Liv twenty bucks. You should call her. I think she'd like that," he says, smacking his friend's shoulder. Barba gives him a hopeful smile as he leaves. </p><p>________</p><p>"Barba looked a little rough," Amanda says, looking over at Sonny as they walk together down her apartment stairs. Sonny smiles sadly. "He'll be OK," he says as though he's trying to reassure himself. "It's been a rough year for him."</p><p>Amanda notices the change in his eyes as he looks at her as though he's trying to ensure she's real. Sonny hadn't said it in the apartment, but he looks over at her and says, "You look beautiful tonight." </p><p>"So, are you taking me to some fancy restaurant?" she asks him questioningly. Sonny smirks, touching her back as he leads her away, "Nah, Amanda, I know you too well to do that to you." There would never be any false pretenses with him; he wouldn't just try to show off.</p><p>"So, where are you taking me?" </p><p>"I was thinking of pizza."</p><p>Amanda nods, surprised, "Pizza does sound good."</p><p>He looks down at his watch. "I have a plan. <em>Trust me</em>," he says, looking into her eyes as he holds open the door to her apartment complex. </p><hr/><p>
  <strong> JOE'S PIZZA </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> Tuesday, November 26th 7 CARMINE STREET </strong>
</p><p>It was kind of an awkward feeling for Amanda to be on a date with a man who knew so much about her already. Sonny knew what her favorite pizza place was and took her there.</p><p>It wasn’t a normal ‘date night’ place, and they were mainly known for doing takeaway orders. But Sonny knew Amanda was not one for ceremony; nothing could really impress her. When a server asks for their order, he tells them a sundried tomato with ricotta cheese pizza, Amanda's favorite, as she sits at the only table in the place waiting for him to return. </p><p>He returns to the table with a full pizza. Amanda rolls her eyes, “Isn’t that a little much?”</p><p>“I've seen you eat a whole pie by yourself."</p><p>Amanda shakes her head, "I <em>only </em>ate that much when I was pregnant with Jesse," she defends. It was one of the reasons Dominick brought pizza by the station every week during her pregnancy. "You have no reason to worry. I'm fine." </p><p>“I can’t help it ‘Manda. You’re not eating enough.”</p><p>The last couple of days, she’s had no appetite, and Sonny knows she’s been scraping her plate or giving her leftovers to Franny when she thinks he’s not looking.</p><p>“I’ll try to eat half,” she says to him, looking at it as though it’s Mt Everest. Sonny looks at her, folding his pizza in half, “Remember the first time I took you here?"</p><p>"It was after the Evie Barnes case."</p><p>The college student who had been raped after two students had seen a porn video she had made. She had never been able to escape her porn alter-ego. It had been a long car ride back from New Hampshire after they left her, and Amanda had seemed so forlorn in the car.</p><p>Once they got back to the station, Sonny could see how down she was. It was a difficult case for Amanda; she saw so much of herself in Evie. She knew from experience how hard it was to escape a label that men gave you. </p><p>It was the first real case that they worked together from start to finish.</p><p>Sonny had gotten her into an argument at the station over which pizza place in the city really was the best pizza – just to distract her. He insisted that Joe’s really was the best pizza in the city. Sonny had asked her to dinner – <em>his treat</em>.</p><p>“I’m a lifetime New Yorker, which makes me a pizza expert. I’d trust your opinion on peach cobbler. But trust me, Amanda, I know my pizza,” he had said to her. Amanda rolled her eyes.</p><p>It was the first time that Sonny had used Amanda’s given name rather than called her <em>Rollins</em>. Amanda only agreed because she knew she needed the company no matter how annoying it may be. At that point, it was still early on in their partnership, and Amanda was convinced Liv paired them together just to torture her.</p><p>But that night, she realized Sonny was a pretty nice guy.</p><p>The whole night, he kept her mind wandering to dark places by making terrible jokes and telling her stories from his childhood. Amanda looks at him, "This was the first place we went to outside of work. Is that why you wanted to take me here?"</p><p>Sonny looks at him more closely; he shakes his head with a smile. “A little; that night was also when I started to realize that I liked you.”</p><p>Amanda smiles.</p><p>"This is the first time where I'm on a date, and I know the guy I'm with is actually genuine. I also know that you won't look for the nearest emergency exit after I mention Jesse and Billie."</p><p>Sonny snickers. He never considered them her baggage.</p><p>"Yeah, well, the girls just complete the package." </p><p>Amanda looks at him curiously.  </p><p>"'Manda, I would do anything for them. I mean, Jesse has always been special to me, you know that. She's my little partner, and Billie she's such a great baby; she never cries. But she's strong like you. You know she's even close to crawling; most babies her age can't do that."  </p><p>Amanda shifts in her seat. She would never understand what she did to deserve Sonny, but she knew her girls always had. "You really love them," she says, thinking out loud.</p><p>Sonny nods, "They're easy kids to love Amanda, besides I love their mother."</p><p>Amanda smiles to herself. She doesn't know what to say. She wants to say it back because she knows she does, and she's told far less worthy men that she loved them. But she can't bring herself to say it; every man she has ever loved has ended up breaking her heart.</p><p>"'Manda, I don't expect you to say it back yet..." Sonny knew, like most things with Amanda, it would take time before she would admit it. But he knew it would be worth the wait when she did. He sighs, "...I just don't want to wait to tell you that I do."</p><hr/><p>
  <b>CENTRAL PARK </b>
</p><p><b>Upper West Side </b> <b></b></p><p>“Maybe we should go get a drink or two, or three,” Amanda says coyly to him as they walk through the park arm in arm. Sonny smiles to himself, “We have to get an early start tomorrow.”</p><p>“Right.”                                   </p><p>“You’re not thinking of backing out?” he asks questioningly. His sisters would definitely believe he made her up and would probably never let him hear the end of it.  Amanda shakes her head, “No… But you better have my back while we’re there.”</p><p>He smiles, “Always.”</p><p>Sonny’s phone vibrates, “Everything OK?” Amanda asks.</p><p>“Yeah. I just texted Barba asking how the girls were. He apparently watched re-runs of <em>The People’s Court</em> for a couple of hours with Jesse. But both of the girls are asleep now.”</p><p>Amanda smiles.</p><p>“I guess we better go relieve Barba.”</p><p>Sonny has a mischievous look in his eyes, “There’s something I’ve always wanted to do with you first… Trust me,” he says, taking her hand. Amanda loses her breath when he stops in front of a horse and carriage at the park entrance. “Really, Dominick?” she looks at him, questioningly, “You know this sort of thing is only for tourists.”</p><p>“Humor me, Rollins,” he whispers. He had never seen Amanda cry happy tears before – with <em>one exception</em> when she had been watching that reality show <em>Hearts Desire</em> together in her apartment.</p><p>Sonny knew she had always wanted this. To be treated well. To be loved. And he had always wanted to be the one to do it. Sonny pays the carriage driver, and once they are inside the back of the carriage, he opens a bottle of champagne as they snuggle underneath a wool blanket. Amanda smirks, looking at him as the bottle sprays everywhere, and he wipes his hands on the blanket.</p><p>“You’re pretty amazing, you know?” she says with a smile.</p><p>Sonny nods, “So are you,” he says with a hidden intensity. Amanda looks at the whizzing cars and city lights mixed with the sound of clip clap hooves. It was cheesy and romantic. And also a tad bit corny. The sort of stuff Amanda Rollins was always embarrassed to admit she liked… because it ruined her hardened persona. But Sonny knew her too well; he smiles at her knowingly. “Is it everything you thought it would be?” Sonny asks her.</p><p>“Even better,” she says as he hands her a glass of champagne.</p><p>“I’m glad.”</p><p>She looks at him closely as he puts his arm over her shoulder. “You know when I first met you… you had that ridiculous mustache that made you look like a 1940s villain…”</p><p>Sonny laughs at himself.</p><p>“…and Liv decided to partner you with me. I was kind of pissed about it. I thought she was doing it just because she hated me at the time. But you’ve been there for me, in ways no one else ever has.”</p><p>She paused. Amanda always wanted to believe in fate or destiny.</p><p>“…It ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me.”</p><p>Her eyes started to water slightly. He almost wants to tell her she’s busted.</p><p>Instead, he leans his head against hers, cradling her face. His lips gently touching hers as he rubs her cheeks with his thumbs. Instinctively her body moves closer to his, and they are both left gasping for air. Every kiss she has ever had felt the same, except for his – they’re different. Dominick is more assured, as though he’s trying to convey something to her without words. Something about Dominick had always felt <em>right</em>.</p><p>He looks at her closely as he notices something change in her eyes. “Everything OK?”</p><p>She shifts a little, gripping his jacket. "Dominick, you're different than other guys.” He rubs her cheeks with his thumb, “Is that a bad thing?”</p><p>She shakes her head, her eyes watering with a contented sigh. “No, I think you may be the best thing that ever happened to me.” Sonny smiles as she snuggles back into his arms, her hand on his chest. He lets out another contented exhale. For once, Amanda holds him tighter as she quietly whispers, “...I’ve got you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Whoever made this video may be my new favorite person:<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkrUd_6xpy4">Rollins/Carisi-Under The Same Sun.</a></p><p>For those of you interested:<a href="https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/meatball-recipe/">Carisi's Meatball Recipe.</a> (seriously the best meatballs ever)</p><p>I'm not a native New Yorker. The two times I've visited NYC I have enjoyed Joe's. I hear they do deliver nationally (not sure how that works):<a href="https://www.goldbelly.com/joes-pizza/authentic-new-york-pizza?search_id=37088127&amp;ref=search">Joe's Pizza</a> </p><p> </p><p>*** Happy NEW YEAR!!! We survived 2020! Thanks for all the love, subscriptions, and kudos! Still amazed by how much love my little fanfic has received.*** On Jan 7th we'll celebrate or the SVU writers will feast on our tears again! </p><p>I do have a Tumblr (I really have no idea how to use it - I pretty much reblog any Barson/Rollisi gif). I totally got inspired to have Barba babysit after seeing that photo circulate Tumblr of Raul with a blonde-haired little girl: <a href="https://everyforever.tumblr.com/">everyforever.</a></p><p>  <b>#LIVKNOWS</b> (But we already knew that)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Tuesday, November 26th/ Wednesday, November 27th</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the delay! Real-life sucks sometimes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>DETECTIVE AMANDA ROLLINS APARTMENT</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Tuesday, November 26<sup>th</sup>  355 WEST 117<sup>th</sup> STREET</strong>
</p><p>It had been the best date of Amanda Rollins's life. But Dominick knew her so well, better than any man she had ever dated. He knows about her insecurities. He also knows about her commitment issues, her trust issues, and her self-worth issues. Nothing had managed to scare him off. It was clear to her nothing could make him love her any less. Amanda Rollins wasn't used to being <em>truly loved</em> that way. Usually, men wanted something in return from her, but Dominick just seemed happy to hold her hand on the walk back to her apartment.</p><p>Amanda wonders if she should kiss him outside the apartment door. It seemed like the right thing to do. But, at the same time, it seemed like goodbye.</p><p>“You’re staying, right?” Amanda asks him.</p><p>Sonny smiles. “Of course.” He had a bag at her place. They both had been planning on it and beating the traffic out of the city. Amanda realizes she was getting in her own head too much as soon as she opens the door Jesse flies at Sonny’s arms, nearly knocking him backward. “Uncle Sonny!” she shouts.</p><p>Barba looks apologetically at Sonny and Amanda. “I swear, I wasn’t negligent in my duties. They were both asleep, but the baby keeps waking up crying, and it was keeping Jesse up.” Sonny sets Jesse down. </p><p>Sonny looks at his friend’s sweatshirt and sees the large drool stain. “<em>Teething</em>,” Sonny and Amanda say at the same time. Barba’s eyes dart between them. “I think I still have some Orajel,” Amanda says, going to her bathroom.</p><p>Sonny takes Billie from Barba’s arms.</p><p>“Did you kiss Mommy?” Jesse whispers to Sonny. Sonny ruffles her hair, “I think you should go back to bed, Counselor.” Jeopardy is on the TV; Barba is clearly way too engrossed by it. Jesse whines, “But I want to see if Uncle Rafael gets all the answers right. He’s really smart.”</p><p>Barba looks over at her.</p><p>“You know New York has a law that little girls are supposed to be in bed after 7 o’clock. Your mother could arrest you.” Jesse looks up at him. “I don’t believe you, Uncle Rafael,” she says with a laugh.</p><p>Sonny shakes his head as he sways with Billie in his arms. Amanda comes back with the Orajel, handing it to Sonny. “You’re going to feel better in about 20 minutes,” he says to Billie kissing the top of her head. Billie squirms, fussing.</p><p>“I think I have one of her teethers in the freezer.” Sonny follows Amanda into the kitchen as she grabs a frozen teething ring handing it to Billie. </p><p>“Mommy, I can’t sleep. Can I have one hour of tablet time in bed?” Amanda crosses her arms, sighing, “I guess so…” She doesn’t have the energy to fight with her three-year-old.</p><p>Sonny looks down at Jesse, “We have to get an early start tomorrow. You need to sleep.”</p><p>Jesse shakes her head with a coy smile.</p><p>“Mommy said so; verbal agreements are legally binding in the state of New York.” Sonny rolls his eyes, sighing. “Thank you, Uncle Barba,” he says sarcastically.</p><p>“I hate lawyers.” Amanda whispers as Sonny stares at her, rubbing Billie’s back, “Dominick, don’t look at me <em> that way</em>; we both know you’re still 95% cop and 5% lawyer.” Although she knew that percentage was untrue. Somedays, Sonny seemed like he was<em> all lawyer</em>, one of Hadid’s little followers, and she hated it.</p><p>“Goodnight, Uncle Rafael. I can see why Noah likes you,” Jesse says, kissing him on his cheek before skipping off to her bedroom. Amanda looks at Barba, seeing how his face warps with a melancholy smile. Sonny notices it, too. </p><p>Sonny swallows, “I can put the girls to bed; it’s not a problem.”</p><p>Amanda stares at Barba as he sits on her couch, with a bowl of Cheetos as he yells<em>  ‘ </em> Jeopardy <em> ’  </em>answers out at the TV. It was still weird for Amanda to imagine him outside of a courtroom and not wearing a suit with suspenders. She puts two beers from the fridge on her kitchen counter.</p><p>“Barba looks like he could use a friend. Rub your chests together. Do whatever guys do… It looks like Barba needs it.”</p><p>“Maybe I can tell him about my hot date.” Amanda snickers, taking Billie from his arms. “I had a perfect time.”</p><p>“I get a goodnight kiss, right?” Sonny asks, gently touching her cheek. He had been looking forward to it. “Maybe,” Amanda says as Sonny kisses the back of Billie’s head.</p><p>_________</p><p>Sonny goes over to Barba, “‘Manda insisted.” Sonny says, handing him a beer as he sits next to him on the couch. “How much does Rollins want to murder me right now?”</p><p>Sonny snickers, “Her expectations for babysitters are pretty low; as long as there are no bodily injuries, she’s happy.”</p><p>Barba shifts in his seat, “So you and Amanda Rollins, when did that happen?”</p><p>“Fairly recently,” Sonny says, taking a drink with a smile. Barba snickers, “Yeah, Jesse mentioned that. Not to concern you but, she asked me how she could get a brother.”</p><p>Sonny laughs, “I should have known not to leave you alone with the three-year-old.”</p><p>“She is definitely precocious. Jesse isn’t…?” he can’t finish the sentence. Still, Sonny knows what he’s asking, “Are you seriously asking me if I’m the baby daddy?” </p><p>Barba takes a drink. “She just seems a lot like you.” <em> Annoyingly so</em>. Just like Sonny, she had asked him a million questions tonight. “Who's her father?”</p><p>Sonny takes another drink, “I don’t know. Amanda hasn't told me.” Barba looks at him questioningly as Sonny sighs, “I’ve never pushed it. It doesn’t matter. Whoever he is… he’s not around.”</p><p>Barba nods, “You really enjoy this? Playing house?”</p><p>“It just always feels right when I’m here.”</p><p>Barba looks over at his friend, “It looks right.” <em> Like a real family</em>. Barba didn’t realize it, but that is one of the things he has always wanted- a family maybe even more than he wanted to get back into the courtroom.</p><p>Sonny shifts in his seat, remembering how his face fell when Jesse had mentioned Noah. “You know, Noah stopped playing baseball. He’s into ballet now. Takes three classes a week. He’s really good. He’s auditioning this summer for the School of American Ballet.”</p><p>“Huh,” Barba says with a smile. “He always liked it when he heard classical music in my office.”</p><p>“Liv was bragging the other day; apparently, he made the A-B honor roll too. He’s a smart kid.” Not as smart as Jesse, in Sonny’s opinion, but he would never tell Rafael that. Barba is smart enough to know what Sonny is doing. He notices the pity in his eyes.</p><p>“How’s Liv?” he asks, taking a drink of his beer.</p><p>“Well, I hear she likes the new ADA. He’s a pretty nice guy,” Sonny teases. Barba rolls his eyes.</p><p>He plays with his beer bottle, “I heard she really liked the last one too.” <em> Stone.  </em>Barba wasn’t immune to the circulated rumors; he knew that Stone had spent time with Liv and Noah.</p><p>“You’re still her favorite,” Sonny says. Barba looks at the TV as though he’s trying to focus on Jeopardy questions, which he already knows the answers to. Sonny picks at the label on his bottle. “I keep reading about the high turnover rate for law professors. You ever think of teaching?”</p><p>Barba looks at him questioningly. “Do you remember how I treated you?”</p><p>“You were hard on me, but you taught me a lot” Sonny knew the only reason he passed the Bar on his first attempt was due to Barba’s mentoring. “You might be good at it... Just something to think about.”</p><p>Sonny understands what Barba is going through, and it doesn’t have anything to do with his career or chronic unemployment. He knows what it is like to love someone so much that you can’t remember who you were before you met them, how your insides can twist imagining them with someone else.</p><p>Sonny pulls out his wallet and hands him twenty dollars, “For babysitting my girls...” Barba takes the money from him, eyeing him questioningly.</p><p>“…Don’t forget you owe Liv twenty dollars.”</p><p>“Carisi, you’re <em>really </em> giving me love and career advice?”</p><p>Sonny shrugs as Rafael Barba wonders if he should crawl into a hole and die somewhere.</p><p>“I think Liv misses you too.”</p><p>Sonny coughs, “Before you see her, You may want to shave first and wear something a little more suitable or at least something that doesn’t have Cheeto stains on it.” Barba shakes his head. “Thanks for the advice,” Barba says humorlessly as Sonny gives him a hopeful smile, “Don’t mention it, Counselor.”</p><p>_________</p><p>Amanda was surprised at how quickly the girls went down. She had been hiding in their room, watching them sleep as Sonny talked with Barba. Amanda knew whatever Barba was going through; Sonny was probably was one of the few people who could help him figure it out.  She looks over and sees Sonny’s shadow in the doorway.</p><p>Amanda walks quietly over to him, “Barba?” she whispers.</p><p>“He left after Jeopardy finished.”</p><p>Amanda looks closer at him, crossing her arms. “Are you OK?”<br/><br/>Sonny nods, watching the girls. Jesse and Billie looked like the cherubs in the paintings his grandmother used to have in her home when they slept. Jesse had Amanda's snore as she cuddled her stuffed dinosaur. Billie looked so much like Amanda – he could never see an ounce of Pollack in her.  </p><p>“You want to talk about something?” Amanda asks him. Sonny shakes his head, “This…” he gestures between them, “…it just feels perfect.”  He was feeling gratitude for what he had.</p><p>He smiles at her, and Amanda can’t help but smile in return. Sonny looks at the girls and then back to her, “Are you OK?”</p><p>She swallows, “Dominick, I have a habit in my life of messing stuff up, and I have never had a truly good thing to lose.”</p><p>And he was the best thing that ever happened to her.</p><p>Sonny sighs, gently touching her cheek as his forehead rests against hers, “I’m never going to give up on you. I’d never leave our girls.” </p><p>Sonny knew Amanda was likely to freak out at some point, maybe when he decided to be brave enough to leave a toothbrush in the bathroom, ask for a drawer in her dresser, or bring over his kitchen cookware. It was bound to happen. She’d try to push him away. They’d probably even fight.</p><p>But he would stick it out because he loved her, and he didn’t know if he could ever stop.</p><p>Amanda nods as her forehead rests against his as her arms pull him closer. Their lips meeting for a kiss. It had been a perfect night. Amanda looks at him with a hazy memory in her mind.</p><p>She wanted to rectify a wrong. She pulls him closer, “Can you do something for me?” she asks, running her fingers through his hair.  </p><p>Sonny swallows, nodding as he looks at her curiously – he would do anything for her short of murder; she had to know that by now. Amanda takes his hand and moves down the hall, stopping in front of her bedroom door. She swallows, putting her arms around his neck, gathering her courage.</p><p>“Tell me; I’m a helluva partner.”</p><p>He looks back at her, confused.  The memory of West Virginia coming back to his mind. Although he hasn’t forgotten it, it was too painful to forget. When he leaned in for that kiss, he had blamed it on alcohol, but it had <em>all </em>been intentional. He had wanted to kiss her long before that night.</p><p>Amanda looks at him. They’ve never talked about West Virginia. But it had been another perfect night. The most fun they had outside of work.</p><p>Amanda had denied herself happiness for so long feeling; she didn’t deserve it. It was instinct to her to push away the one person who brought her happiness.</p><p>“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but that night it ranks up there,” she says quietly. She finally wanted to be happy, to be loved. She wanted her girls to feel joy. <em>She wanted him</em>. Sonny’s breathing picks up, understanding the hidden meaning. “ ‘Manda, I’m not expecting anything.”</p><p>“I know.” He never expected anything from her. He just loved her. Sonny swallows, “<em>You’re sure</em>?” he asks her, confused outside her bedroom door. His head resting on his hand, just like that night in West Virginia.</p><p>She nods.</p><p>Sonny stares at her, stunned. They are in some sort of role reversal, she wants this, and she’s looking at him with her apprehensive blue eyes, afraid he’ll deny it. But he could never deny her anything. “You’re helluva partner,” he says with a smile. Amanda grabs his face and kisses him as Sonny finds the doorknob opening it.</p><p>He pushes her back toward the bed. Amanda starts unbuttoning his shirt, and Sonny stops her fingers. “I… I.. I have some scars on my back,” he stutters his way through, telling her. Amanda looks at him, “From when Bobby shoved you through a window in middle school? I know.”</p><p>Sonny swallows, “Of course, you do.” She knew everything about him, even the uglier angrier parts he tried to keep hidden that had been coming out more as an ADA. He touched the side of her face kissing her lips, as Amanda continued unbuttoning his shirt.</p><p>When he is finally free of his shirt, Amanda traces his back, feeling the healed scars near his spine. She stutters slightly. “I have scars too.”</p><p>“From your C-Section?” Amanda nods self-consciously. Sonny looks at her. “If it gave me my Jesse, I’m sure I’m going to love it,” he says with a smile. His hands are on her hips, “Are you really sure about this?”<br/><br/>“Dominick, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I don’t think you could ever be one of them,” Amanda says, cradling his face. It would be the last time he’d ask her. Sonny nods, leaning in for another kiss. “I love you,” he tells her again, as he kisses along her neck, causing her heartbeat to pick up. Amanda helps him out of his pants in between kisses.</p><p>Once Amanda tugs her blouse over her head. Sonny stares at her in awe; it’s the most he’s ever seen of her. He swallows, his eyes questioning as he touched her bra clasp. Amanda leans in for a kiss, and that was all the reassurance he needed. The garment falling to the floor.</p><p>Sonny lets out a deep breath. She really was going to give him everything he ever wanted in one-night. He can’t help but take it all in with a quiet smile; her skin was softer than he thought it would be.</p><p>His wildest fantasies didn’t do her justice. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” he says in a whisper as he massages her exposed skin and peaks. She had no idea how simple touch could make her quiver.“Dominick,” she moaned as he touched her skin.</p><p>Once they were underneath her sheets, there was anticipation, an eagerness like Amanda never felt before as her lips crashed against his. It wasn’t due to fulfilling a need, want, or desperation. It was due to an unexplained feeling – she had never quite felt before in her bed. It was all new and confusing to her.</p><p>And to Sonny, this wasn’t just foreplay; he was trying to express something to her.</p><p>Amanda always figured Carisi to be a <em>talker</em>. Some days it was impossible to get him to shut up. But nothing was said underneath her bedsheets as their fingertips explored each other’s skin and kissed areas never seen before. Everything he wanted to say was said; by the way, he was gazing at her. His eyes, lingering on what Amanda considered to be her hideous C-Section scar. He took extra time to kiss that scar as Amanda’s fingers roamed through his hair.</p><p>When he comes up, the timing just feels <em>right </em>for both of them. As though every moment has led to this one. That this is the most natural thing for them to doing, he entwines his fingers through hers. He looks over at her left hand, studying it. He hoped she’d get over her aversion to marriage one-day so he could put a ring there.</p><p>He hoped one day that her bed could become <em>their</em> bed because, after tonight, he doesn’t know if he would ever be able to leave her alone again.</p><p>Amanda looks over at him, seeing he’s getting lost in his own thoughts. She wonders if she should tell him that he’s the most handsome man she’s ever had in her bed because he really is.</p><p>He leans in, and Amanda positions herself underneath him in eager anticipation. She nods, reassuring him that she’s good. He leans in, kissing her again. "You're a helluva partner," he says with a mischievous smile. Amanda can't help but smile in return as his forehead rests against hers.</p><p>Then Billie’s soft cries fill the room. Sonny’s face turns away from her as though he’s listening to it through the wall. Amanda grabs his face, “Don’t worry. Sometimes it’s nothing. She just goes back to sleep.” Sonny nods, breathless, as he leans down, kissing her neck, positioning himself again.</p><p>But Billie’s cries grow louder, and then, they are unmistakable. He leans his head into the crook of her neck on the pillow as he catches his breath. “Shit,” Amanda says as Sonny rolls onto his back. She can tell by his body language that he looks defeated.</p><p>“Mommy! Billie’s crying!” Jesse yells over Billie’s cries. “I can hear Jess!” Amanda rolls her eyes. She knew they went down <em>too easy</em>. She sits up, “The Orajel must have worn off.” Sonny is already out of bed, finding his pair of discarded boxers on the floor. “Don’t worry. I’ve got it.”</p><p>“Dominick….” She says sadly, looking at him as he throws on a t-shirt. He goes over and touches her cheek, “You’re beautiful.”</p><p>“Rain check?” Amanda says sadly, looking at him. He nods with a melancholy smile. Amanda lays back down, her head staring at the ceiling as she thinks it was <em>almost</em> a perfect night.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>DETECTIVE AMANDA ROLLINS APARTMENT</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Wednesday, November 27<sup>th</sup>  355 WEST 117<sup>th</sup> STREET</strong>
</p><p>When Amanda wakes up the next morning, she feels beside her, noticing Sonny isn’t in his usual spot. She realizes he never came back to bed. Amanda throws on a t-shirt and her boxers before grabbing her robe.</p><p>She hears laughter coming from her kitchen.</p><p>“Why are we doing strawberries instead of blueberries?” Jesse asks Sonny. “Strawberries are your mom’s favorite,” Sonny explains to her. Jesse kicking her little feet while sitting on the counter. She looks over into the mixing bowl. “We should add extra strawberries for mommy.”</p><p>Sonny nods in agreement.  </p><p>“Did you kiss mommy last night?” Jesse asks him with a coy smile. Sonny ruffles her hair, “A gentleman never kisses and tells,” he says, pointing at her, “Remember that.”</p><p>She giggles. She knows <em>he did</em>. Sonny throws more strawberries into the pancake batter.</p><p>Jesse smiles at him as she eats a strawberry. She looks at him quietly. Sonny knows Jesse is doing her serious thinking face as he looks over at her. She bites her lip. “Uncle Sonny, do you have any kids?”</p><p>Sonny stops stirring and shakes his head ‘no’ as he looks over at her with a sad smile. “You’d be good at it,” Jesse says quietly. ”You think so, Counselor?” he smiles back at her. Jesse nods. Sonny assaults her with tickles as he kisses her, “I love you.”</p><p>“Mommy!” Jesse says as she sees Amanda standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Sonny turns around and sees her.</p><p>“Good morning, beautiful.”</p><p>Amanda rolls her eyes; she was hardly beautiful first thing in the morning, “Good morning, Dominick.” Sonny smiles at her. He has noticed he’s Dominick now, except when ‘Manda is annoyed with him or in a teasing mood, then she resorts to calling him <em>Carisi</em>.</p><p>“I was going to let you sleep in.”</p><p>“I thought you said we had to get an early start?”</p><p>Sonny nods, “Right.”</p><p>She bites her lip, sighing, “Sorry about last night…”</p><p>Sonny looks over at Jesse and then back to her, “I’m not. It was perfect,” he says with a sincere smile.  He picks Jesse up from the counter and hands her a plate. “Here you go, Jess, breakfast is served.” Jesse scampers off to the table sitting next to Billie as she turns her pancakes into more whip cream than pancake.</p><p>“Why didn’t you come back to bed?” Amanda asks him.<br/><br/>“Billie was really fussy, so I slept on the couch with her.” Amanda sees the Orajel and baby Tylenol over on the coffee table next to a teething ring. Only Sonny would volunteer to deal with a teething baby all night and not seem frustrated by it.</p><p>“I still can’t but feel guilty about last night.”<br/><br/>“’ Manda, it wouldn’t be us if the timing were right…” he says quietly with a smile. He was just finally happy there was a '<em>us</em>.' Amanda snickers, “Right.” Sonny swallows, “You’re beautiful.” She had been told that by so many men, but it feels different when he says it. Sonny looks at her concerned as he offers her a cup of coffee, “Did you have any trouble sleeping last night?”</p><p>“No.” Amanda lies unconvincingly. He swallows, “Are you ever going to tell me what the nightmares are about?” Amanda bites, her lip looking down at her cup of coffee, “It’s stupid.” Sonny shakes his head, “I don’t believe that; nothing that upsets you could be stupid.”</p><p>She nervously runs her hand through her hair, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Sonny nods, with a sigh turning back to the stove. Amanda looks over by the front door to her apartment and sees the suitcases, the portable crib, and dog crate. It looks like they’re taking half her apartment with them. “I don’t think all of that will fit in my sedan.”<br/><br/>He shrugged, “I thought we could take my car.”<br/><br/>“Your new car? You realize my kids and dog will destroy it.” Sonny snickers as he starts flipping the pancakes. “I can always get it detailed.”</p><p>“I should probably get dressed and get the car seats out of my car then.”<br/><br/>He stops flipping pancakes and looks at her. “I have car seats” Amanda looks at him, confused. He sighs, “I bought them the other day.”<br/><br/>“Carisi, that probably cost you 500 bucks.” Amanda knew all too well how quickly costs add up for two tiny humans.</p><p>“Why would you buy car seats when I have perfectly acceptable ones in my car?” she questions him quietly. Sonny runs a hand over his face, “First of all, it did not cost me 500 dollars…” <em>It cost him 600 with sales tax, but there was no way he would reveal that to Amanda. </em><br/><br/>“And I bought them because I didn’t like the idea of Billie or Jess becoming airborne projectiles if I have to stop suddenly… I'm fond of the little rugrats. Besides, maybe I could pick up the girls from daycare, or we could all take a <strong>real</strong> weekend trip to the Jersey Shore.”</p><p>Amanda sighs.</p><p>“Don’t look at me that way. The reality show gave it a bad rap; my parents took my sisters and me there every summer.” He had fond memories of building sandcastles on the beach and getting gelato from a tiny hole in the wall place by the pier.</p><p>Amanda shakes her head and quietly smiles at him as he holds out a plate of pancakes for her. She knows he’s an eternal optimist. There’s no scenario where he doesn’t see a future. He probably even looks forward to the mundane stuff like filing taxes together and balancing a checkbook. “You didn’t purchase an SUV, did you?” she jokes.</p><p>“Might be a good investment, you know the new ones have seat warmers, built-in entertainment systems, USB outlets, and cup holders that can keep your drink cold.” Amanda shakes her head as she takes the plate from his hands.</p><p>“I can’t help it. I’m crazy about you and your two carbon copy miniatures.”</p><p>“We don’t own mutual property somewhere?” she says teasingly. He’ll never tell her, but he has looked on Zillow the last couple of days at work, daydreaming about them sharing an address.</p><p>“I know Staten Island and New Jersey are lost causes. But there are some affordable brownstone co-ops in Brooklyn…in Brooklyn; you can also afford an elevator <em>and</em> a dishwasher.”</p><p>Amanda smirks. “You’ll never get me out of Manhattan.” Sonny sighs; for someone who never leaves her apartment, she sure seemed to love the city. “I’m not giving up hope. After all, you also said, you’d never have kids, and you have two pretty great ones.”</p><p>“That wasn’t exactly planned.”</p><p>Sonny snickers, looking over at Jesse and Billie. Jesse swinging her little feet under the table and Billie eating the strawberries he left on her highchair tray. “You enjoy being a mom. You just didn’t know you would. I <em>was right </em>about that…” he says smugly.</p><p>Amanda rolls her eyes at him. He was always right; it was one of the things that annoyed her.</p><p>He swallows. It was in his nature to want to give them the world, to want her children in his car, to envision taking them to a beach or getting them out of a tiny old Manhattan high rise.</p><p>“I love you. You should eat that before it gets cold,” he says, pointing to her plate. Sonny sits next to Billie as Amanda sits opposite him at the table.  “Mommy, what do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?” Jesse turns to ask her. Jesse’s eyes darting to Sonny as he feeds Billie a pancake.</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>“Lucky,” Jesse laughs. Sonny laughs; it is clearly a joke he had taught her. Amanda joins in, gently touching Jesse’s hair. She smiles up at Sonny. Jesse looked between them with syrup on her chin. “Mommy, if Uncle Sonny marries you, would that make him a daddy?”</p><p>Sonny looked over at Amanda, who is unable to speak.</p><p>“I…I…”</p><p>Sonny’s brows furrow with a playful smile on his lips, “What, I’m not a good uncle?” he jokes, pointing at her. Amanda breathes a sigh of relief; he was always so good at thinking on his feet. Jesse shakes her head, both her elbows on the table, giggling, “You’re the best.”</p><p>Jesse is smart enough to realize no grown-up has answered her question. She smiles before she looks over at her mother, “He would be a good daddy, wouldn’t he, mommy?” Sonny beams over at them with a faraway look in his eyes. “You’d really like that, Jess?”</p><p>Amanda is surprised, he asks. He has to know what Jesse’s answer will be. Jesse looks at him, “I never had a daddy.” Amanda’s heart twists painfully; as she looks at their expressions, she sees Sonny wants that just as badly as Jesse does. “You know he was there the day you were born.”<br/><br/>Jesse’s face perks up, “Really?” Sonny nods with a smile, “Yeah, I was the second person to hold you after your mom.” Amanda sighs, running her hand through Jesse’s messy hair, “He refused to let the nurses take you to the nursery.”<br/><br/>“That was just because Jesse was making all the ugly babies there jealous.” Jesse does a musical giggle, kicking her legs underneath her chair.</p><p>“And he used to sing to you…” Amanda whispers.</p><p>“You did?”</p><p>Sonny nods; he sang his own off-key version of the chorus of ‘<em>My Girl</em>’ through that first night and when she had been especially colicky. Amanda had pretended to sleep while he did it, but she caught him more than a few times – it was too sweet to ever tease him about it.</p><p>He stares at Jesse, remembering it so clearly, what it was like in the hospital – how much he felt an unexplainable <em>pull</em> to be there for Amanda and Jesse. How complete it felt when he was with them as though they were his home. How it still felt that way.</p><p>All he had ever wanted was to make them happy.</p><p>Jesse smiles, big at him. “Your mom asked me to be your Godfather the day after you were born, and you know what I told her?”</p><p>Jesse shakes her head. Amanda remembers it so clearly. “I told her I was always going to be there for you.” He meant it too – he stuck around for the nights when Jesse had been especially difficult, babysat for Amanda when she went on dates with other men, and made them dinner so that he had an excuse to be around them. He had been there through everything, so Amanda didn’t have to feel so alone.</p><p>Amanda knew there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her or her girls.</p><p>Sonny weirdly clears his throat as he shifts in his seat. “You know, since I’m dating your mom, it would be OK if you just wanted me to call Sonny.” Amanda notices how Jesse’s face falls, “Oh,” she says quietly, “Would we still be family if you’re not my uncle?”</p><p>Sonny smiles sadly, “Never mind, what we have is pretty perfect, Counselor. Isn’t it?”</p><p>Jesse looks at Amanda and then back at Sonny, “Could I call you Uncle Dominick sometimes…Since it’s a special name?”</p><p>She turns to her mother, “Is that OK, mommy?”</p><p>Amanda nods. “Yeah, that would be OK. Wouldn’t it?” she asks, looking over at Sonny. Sonny nods, with emotion evident in his voice. “That would be pretty great.”</p><p>
  <strong>CARISI FAMILY HOME</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Wednesday, November 27<sup>th</sup> 1429 ARDEN AVENUE</strong>
</p><p>Amanda has no idea how Sonny doesn’t go crazy with how often Jesse asks him, “Uncle Dominick, are we there yet?” in the car. But he manages to keep his sanity, grinning each time she asks it.</p><p>Jesse knew how much it lights up his face when her mother calls him by his given name, but Sonny gets an even stupider grin when she says, ‘<em>Uncle Dominick’</em>, which only encourages it more.  Sonny has always hated his given name but, when he hears one of the Rollins girls call him Dominick – he can’t deny it does something to him.</p><p>Amanda was <em>right</em>.  Sonny’s car is destroyed between Frannie vomiting in the back of the car. Goldfish crackers and Cheerios that fall outside of the girls’ hands or the apple juice box Jesse accidentally spills with an “Uh-oh” on the back seat. His car will never be the same again, which seems to upset Amanda more than Sonny.</p><p>“You’re going to ignore your car’s built-in navigation system?” Amanda asks him questioningly.  Sonny huffs, “I’m a native New Yorker. I’ve got my own built-in navigation system. I know how to get us there faster.”</p><p>Siri tells him three times 'return to the route’ and ‘recalculating.’ “You’re lost! Just follow the map!”</p><p>“I’m not lost… I’m just trying to find a street that they <em>moved</em>.”<br/><br/>“Really, Carisi?!? The city decided to move a street?!” Amanda rolls her eyes. Jesse looks at both of them, concerned as she clutches her stuffed dinosaur. “Are you two fighting?”</p><p>“No, the louder your mom and I talk, that means the more we love each other…” he looks over at Amanda with a curt smile, “…I love you too, 'Manda.” Amanda shakes her head, rolling her eyes as she stares out the window.</p><p>Jesse smiles, “Mommy must love you a lot.”<br/><br/>Sonny smiles, “She does.”</p><p>“I’d love you more if you’d follow the damn map,” she mutters. Sonny eventually relents and listens to Siri’s directions. The closer, they get the more apparent Amanda’s nerves are as she turns around and looks at Jesse. “You have to be on your <strong>best </strong>behavior, no whining and no fighting.” Jesse nods, solemnly playing with her stuffed dinosaur, “Alright, momma.”</p><p>Sonny rolls his eyes, “Rollins, come on, your girls are angels, my sister Bella’s kids, on the other hand… I love them, but they are like tiny little terrorists,” he says, looking over at her. Sonny is not exaggerating; his sister’s children are challenging.</p><p>Once they pull into the driveway, Amanda realizes there is no going back. Sonny gives her hand a reassuring squeeze before they get out of the car. Sonny’s childhood home is pretty modest, and the brick exterior hasn’t been updated since the 1970s.</p><p>Amanda grabs Billie and Frannie from the car as Sonny gets the diaper bag and Jesse from the car.</p><p>Sonny knocks on the door, and his father answers. Amanda can immediately recognize him, and she imagines it will be what Sonny will look like in twenty years. “Hey Junior, we thought you weren’t coming,” he says, opening the door.</p><p>“Sorry, we were running a little late. It was absolute gridlock out of the city.”<br/><br/>Dominick nods, looking over at Frannie, Jesse, Billie, and Amanda. “Looks like you brought a crew. You going use some manners and introduce me?”</p><p>“This my dad, Dominick."</p><p>"Hi, nice to meet you" Dominick shakes Amanda's hand, his eyes clearly confused.</p><p>“This is Amanda,” he says, pointing to Amanda, “…And this is Jesse,” Sonny says, touching the top of Jesse’s head. “And the little one, her name is Billie. The four-legged one, her name is Frannie.”</p><p>Dominick nods. “So what are you two exactly?” he asks, scratching the back of his head. “We’re…” Sonny looks over at Amanda, unsure what label to give. Amanda shrugs with a smile, “Partners.”</p><p>“They’re like Ken and Barbie,” Jesse explains. “Oh….” Dominick says with his hands in his pockets. He looks over at Sonny, “Ragazza<em>?” Girlfriend? </em>Sonny rolls his eyes as he nods his head. “Something like that.”</p><p>Dominick moves his eyebrows up and down, “Nice work, son,” he whispers. “Thanks, Dad,” Sonny mutters, embarrassed as Amanda smirks.</p><p>Jesse tugs at Sonny’s coat, she points her finger for him to come closer. “I have to go potty,” Jesse whispers. Dominick hears it, “Oh. the bathroom is just down the hall… the door on the right,” he says, pointing towards the end of a long hallway.</p><p>Jesse looks up at Sonny, “I can take you.”</p><p>“No,” Amanda says, grabbing her hand. “I think Billie needs to be changed too. I got this,” she says, grabbing the diaper bag from Sonny.</p><p>Dominick stares at Amanda and the girls as they leave down the hallway. He looks back at his son. “Two kids is a lot,” he says quietly. Sonny sighs, running his hand over his face, “Says the man who had <em>four</em>.”</p><p>“Sonny, I have got to say I’m kind of surprised.”<br/><br/>“Surprised by what?” Sonny asks with a sigh, knowing his father it was bound to be some humorless joke. Dominick keeps his hands in his pockets, “It doesn’t matter…”</p><p>“No, what were you going to tell me, dad?” Sonny says, realizing his father is serious. Dominick bites his lip, “I don’t know… all these years, you’ve never brought a girl for us to meet. I thought… never mind. It doesn’t matter.” He scratches his head.</p><p>“You thought <strong>what</strong>?!”<br/><br/>Dominick shrugs his shoulders, “I just thought maybe, you’d bring home a <em>guy</em>. Not that there’s anything wrong with that-” Sonny’s mouth falls open as Dominick continues. “The church is getting very liberal about those things these days, with the new Pope and all. And you talked a lot about that Barba fella from work… I just thought.”</p><p>“Dad- <em>stop</em> thinking. <em>Stop</em> talking.” Sonny says, irritated. Jesse skips down the hall back to Sonny’s side. Amanda looks over at Sonny. “Are you OK?”<br/><br/>“I’m great,” he says, annoyed as he looks at Dominick. Dominick gets down eye level with Jesse, “You like dinosaurs?”</p><p>Jesse nods, holding her stuffed dinosaur closer. “His name is Counselor Rawr. He’s a lawyer.” Sonny gently touches the top of her head with a smile. Dominick’s face lights up, “I know a great joke about dinosaurs and lawyers!”</p><p>“Dad, <em>don’t </em>we just had a two-hour car ride, and we were in gridlock out of the city…” Dominick ignores him, looking at Jesse, “Jesse, what do dinosaurs and good lawyers have in common?” Sonny sighs, biting his lip, his hands going on his hips. Jesse shrugs, “I don’t know.”<br/><br/>“They’re both <em>extinct</em>. Get it?” He laughs, looking up at Sonny. “Thanks, dad.” Jesse giggles and Amanda can’t stifle her laugh. “I like her. She finds me funny,” he says, pointing to Amanda.</p><p>“She’s only being polite,” Sonny says, annoyed. He sighs, “OK, that’s enough. Where's Ma?”</p><p>“In the kitchen. Maria, your favorite son, is home!” Dominick shouts. “You know you’re only favorite…”  </p><p>Sonny rolls his eyes, answering, “Because I’m her <em>only son</em>. You tell me that every time I visit.”</p><p>“Sunshine!” Maria Carisi says, kissing each side of his face, “I’m so happy to see you!” Amanda can’t help but smirk at the nickname. <em>Sonny Sunshine</em>.“And Amanda!” she says, kissing each side of her face. “I’m so happy to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you and little Jesse… and Billie…” Maria says with a smile.</p><p>Her eyes are transfixed on Billie. She just stares between her and Sonny. Amanda can tell from Sonny’s expression something is unusual.</p><p>“Would you like to hold her?” Amanda asks her curiously. Maria nods, wiping her hands on her apron. “She’s so beautiful.” She looks over at Sonny and then back to Billie. “Did you eat?” she asks.<br/><br/>“Uncle Sonny made strawberry pancakes,” Jesse says, looking up at her. “You have to let the pancake batter sit for fifteen minutes,” Jesse recites the Carisi family secret to pancakes, proudly looking up at Sonny. Maria laughs.</p><p>“Ma’ I sort of made Jess an honorary Carisi. She knows some of our family secret recipes.”<br/><br/>“Oh, that does make you an honorary Carisi.”</p><p>Jesse looks up at Sonny and then back at Maria, “What would you like me to call you?”<br/><br/>“Well, since you’re an honorary Carisi, you can call me Nonna,” she says, getting down at eye level with her. “And I guess that makes me Nonno,” Dominick says.</p><p>Amanda shifts uncomfortably on her feet, looking at Sonny's parents. “What would you like me to call you?” she asks, realizing how stupid she must sound.<br/><br/>“How about mom and dad,” Dominick says with a smile.  </p><hr/><p>Maria Carisi pulled out every photo album and box of photographs she owned to show to Amanda. She showed Amanda the photo of when Sonny was five and dressed up as a police officer for Halloween, his baptism photos, and photos from the time the family went to Disneyland Sonny clearly terrified of Goofy. Amanda couldn’t help but smile at each one.</p><p>Maria looks over at a photo of Teresa and Sonny when he was a baby. She turns to Amanda, “Billie is a beautiful baby.” Amanda smiles. “You two were still working together when she was born?”</p><p>Sonny shifts in his seat, realizing something... Amanda nods. “Yeah, she was born before Sonny left for the DA’s office.”<br/><br/>“Oh,” Maria says. Sonny sees the wheels turning in his mother’s head. “’ Ma – I know what you’re thinking. And you should <em>stop</em>...” Maria looks over at him. Amanda is thoroughly confused. Maria nods.</p><p>“I have more albums in the den,” she says hastily, leaving the room.</p><p>“Does your mom do this for every girl you bring home?” Amanda whispers to him.<br/><br/>Sonny shrugs, “I don’t know. You’re sort of the first.” Amanda looks at him curiously, and she opens her mouth to say something. But Sonny’s phone buzzes, he looks at it, and then he turns it over on the table.</p><p>“Your other girlfriend trying to reach you?” Amanda asks, annoyed. Sonny doesn’t answer, as his mother returns with more photo albums. Sonny running his hand over his face. “Ma’ those aren’t….”<br/><br/>Maria opens up the album, and they were clearly photos of acne-ridden teenage Sonny. “You were on the swim team?” Amanda asks, seeing a photo of him in a speedo. Amanda bites her lip.</p><p>“Go ahead and laugh,” Sonny says with a sigh.<br/><br/>“He was also in track and on the basketball team…”</p><p>“Were you any good?” Amanda asks him as she pages through the album.</p><p>“I was terrible at all three.” Puberty is rough for anyone, but she can see Sonny was especially scrawny and acne-ridden in his teen years. Maria looks longingly at a photo album, turning to Amanda. “It all goes by so fast… don’t forget to take pictures.” Maria sighs, looking over at Sonny, “Now, my children only visit me on holidays.”<br/><br/>Sonny rolls his eyes, “I visit.” Maria shakes her head, looking at a photo of Sonny when he was much younger, “Not very often, and you live the closest. We both know you only come up early on Thanksgiving and Christmas because you hate traffic.”<br/><br/>“Maybe we can bring the girls up next weekend if you’re not busy,” Amanda suggests as Sonny looks at her, surprised. “Jesse’s birthday is on December 10<sup>th</sup>. She might like it if you teach her how to make a cake.”</p><p>“I would love that.”</p><p>Sonny smiles at Amanda as his phone vibrates again, and he looks at it. This time with a snicker and then back at Amanda. “You should turn that off.”</p><p>_________</p><p>Amanda is amazed at how easy everything feels. She expected things to be awkward and uncomfortable. But it feels like Dominick and Maria are <em>family.</em> Amanda sits outside on the porch steps watching Dominick play with Jesse while he holds Billie. Jesse playing inside a large plastic playhouse. Sonny comes outside, sitting next to her on the porch steps, handing her a cup of coffee.</p><p>“I really like your parents,” she says, looking over at him.</p><p>“I’m pretty sure my dad is contemplating adopting you. I don’t know how you can put up with his stupid sense of humor” Sonny sighs.</p><p>“I had years of practice putting up with yours, <em>Sunshine</em>.” Sonny rolls his eyes, hearing his mother’s nickname for him. Sonny’s phone buzzes again. Amanda sighs, “Hadid is pretty determined to ruin this weekend. Isn’t she?”</p><p>He lets out an exhale, setting his cup of coffee down. “It’s not Hadid…”</p><p>Amanda looks over at him, confused as he sticks the phone in his pocket.</p><p>“…It’s your mom.”</p><p>“You’re talking with <b>my mother</b>?!”</p><p>Sonny nods, “I wanted to explain why you and the girls weren’t coming up for Thanksgiving. So, I called her a few days ago.” Amanda lets out a deep breath. That’s why she hasn’t heard from her. Normally she would have expected a guilt-trip, but her mother has been radio silent.  </p><p>Amanda swallows.</p><p>“What have you two been talking about?”</p><p>Sonny shrugs, “I sent her some photos of the girls. I never thought I’d be dating a <em>Mandy</em>.” Amanda rolls her eyes. Of course, her mother would tell him that.</p><p>“We won’t be dating much longer if you call me that,” Amanda teases him. Sonny smiles at her, “She sent me some photos of you when you were little. I didn’t know you were a cheerleader.” Amanda nearly chokes on her coffee.</p><p>“That was only for two years in high school and just because my mother <strong>made</strong> me,” she defends. Sonny smiles, looking at her. “You were top of the pyramid.” She was fulfilling every nerdy fantasy he had in high school.</p><p>Amanda rolls her eyes, “What other embarrassing photos did she send you?”<br/><br/>“The one where you were topless at age two eating a popsicle.”</p><p>Beth-Anne had sent him more than just those two. He couldn't help but see Jesse as a miniature Amanda. She fiddles nervously with her coffee cup, watching Jesse chase after Dominick. “Thank you, momma,” she mutters.</p><p>Sonny looks over at her with a quiet smile. “I like your mom.”</p><p>“That’s only because you haven’t spent that much time with her,” she mutters. She knows her mother probably finds Sonny charming, and it’s impossible not to. But little does he know; her mother is far from an easy person to deal with.</p><p>“Well, I was thinking…” he shifts in his position, “What about asking her to come up a few weeks before Christmas? There’s nothing better than Christmas in the city.”</p><p>Amanda looks over at him in disbelief, “Dominick, my family, isn’t like yours. It’s <em>complicated</em>.” There were things in her childhood she still hadn’t shared with him. But he knows enough to understand that Amanda's biggest fear was becoming her mother and having her daughters resent for it.</p><p>“I have had years of dealing with one emotionally complicated blonde. I think I can handle a second one.” He sighs, “She wouldn’t have to stay with you and the girls. She could stay at my place – I have an elevator and a dishwasher..." He looks into Amanda’s eyes as gently taps her shoulder. “Just think about it.”</p><p>Amanda sighs. She wasn’t used to someone who wanted to know every aspect of her. He really had no idea what he was getting himself into. “You really want to spend time with her?”<br/><br/>“I think family is good for the girls. Maybe Beth-Anne could even have dinner with my mom and dad; my mom would like that.” He turns on his Carisi charm and smiles at her. Amanda shakes her head. She knows there is nothing she wouldn’t do for him, especially when he looks at her that way. “OK,” she says, resigned. Sonny sits up straighter, surprised.</p><p>He has an amused smile. He was so used to her fighting with him he wondered if he could ever get used to this – how easily she gives him everything he wants. Sonny wonders exactly how much he can get away with. “I want to take Jess to the Nutcracker. My dad did that with my sisters every year…” he says, thinking out loud.</p><p>Amanda looks at him, “You think Jesse can sit through a two-hour ballet?” Sonny smiles; Jesse would do anything for him...he knows that much. He swallows, “Has Billie been to the zoo yet?”<br/><br/>Amanda shakes her head as he looks at her. “I want to take Billie to the zoo to see the elephants. Jesse really liked them when she was little.” Amanda nods, remembering she leans closer.</p><p>"I want to spend Christmas morning with you and the girls..." he says with a quiet smile as Amanda rests her head on his shoulder. "Only if you promise to make pancakes," she teases him. Sonny smiles, "My cinnamon rolls are better."</p><p>He sighs; the next thing he’ll ask, he wonders might be pushing his luck. “Do Jesse and Billie have a college-savings account?”</p><p>Amanda sits up, looking over at him “Al has a trust fund Billie can access when she’s twenty and some money saved for her when she’s eighteen.” That had been the one thing that Al Pollack had done for Billie since he couldn’t provide anything emotionally.</p><p>Sonny nods in silence; he wants to tell her legally Al can’t do that – Amanda could be entitled to a quarter of Pollack’s income. In his opinion, Billie and Amanda deserved to live in an apartment with an elevator and dishwasher. But the last thing he wanted to do was give Pollack a reason to re-enter the picture. He sighs; it sounded like Billie would have more than enough – he had seen the ring Pollack had bought Amanda, which cost more than his car.</p><p>“Do you have something set up for Jesse?” he asks. Amanda shakes her head, looking over at Jesse as she plays on a swing set in the backyard. Sonny smirks, “She’s so smart. She’s going to be a lawyer.”</p><p>Amanda shakes her head humorlessly. “Maybe she’ll go to Fordham.”<br/><br/>“Nah, she’s too smart for there. Maybe Hudson, Columbia, NYU, or Barnard,” he says with a smirk. Sonny wanted her to stay in the city; he wanted her home on spaghetti nights. “I’d like to help with Jess.”</p><p>Amanda loses her breath, “You really don’t have to do that.”<br/><br/>“But I want to,” he says assuredly. “Would you be OK with that?” He’s not stupid; he knew she didn’t answer Jesse’s questions at breakfast. He also knows Jesse will most likely bring the subject up again because she inherited more than Amanda’s looks – she was also determined and stubborn.</p><p>Amanda’s face is thoughtful. The one thing she had always wanted was for her daughters to have a man that truly deserved to be a father, and she had found one… but deep down still preferred they call him ‘uncle.’ Amanda knew if she searched hard enough all the reasons why stemmed from the dysfunctional relationship she had with her own father.</p><p>“Dominick...’” She wants to ask him if he realizes that he keeps referring to Jesse and Billie as ‘our girls’ but whether it’s intentional or not. She can’t deny it feels right when she hears him say it. “I know how much you love them. You don’t have to do anything to prove that.”</p><p>“It’s not for show.” She should know that by now, Sonny does what he does for them because he really does love all of them. For some strange reason, he wants all of them. Sonny could give every explanation he had of why it felt right when they were together. <em>Destiny</em>. <em>Fate</em>. But he knew Amanda would never believe in any of it. “I’m always going to be there for those girls.”</p><p>She nods. Amanda knew if she broke up with him tomorrow, he’d still make an effort to see Jesse and Billie. After all, when he said 'our girls,' he seemed to really mean that.</p><p>He looks into her eyes, whispering, “I just want you and the girls to be happy…"</p><p>“You make us very happy," she says with evident emotion. He swallows, with a mischievous smirk, “I’d really like to collect on that raincheck from last night.”</p><p>Amanda snickers, resting her head on his shoulder. “Next time, we should get a sitter, and maybe we should go away for a weekend.”</p><p>“You bet, partner,” he says with a smile as he kisses the side of her head, letting out a contented exhale. "You know if you keep giving me everything I want. I'm going to get spoiled."</p><p>She sighs, "You deserve it. You're a helluva partner." He leans over and really kisses her, as though he's doing it for the first time, all over again.</p><p>Jesse watches Sonny and Amanda kiss for the first time with a little squeal. "I knew it." Dominick Carisi snickers; he looks over at his son and the first girl he's ever brought home, watching them smile at one another. He wonders if he should call them out, that there are children present.</p><p>Jesse bites her lip and turns to Dominick, who's smiling. "Do you think Uncle Sonny will marry mommy?"</p><p>_________</p><p>Maria and Jesse make homemade ravioli together for dinner. When Amanda comes into the kitchen, she sees Jesse wearing an apron as she intently listens to each instruction. Maria takes extra time teaching Jesse how to stuff the ravioli just the way her own Nonna taught her. At dinner, Jesse asks Sonny, “What do Nonna and Nonno mean?”</p><p>“It means Grandma and Grandpa in Italian,” he explains as Jesse wiggles in her seat. Jesse looks across the table at Dominick, “Oh, I’ve never had a grandpa before.”</p><p>Dominick looks back at her and smiles, “Well, I’m glad I can be the first,” he tells her. Maria and Dominick’s hearts clearly melt with Amanda’s girls.</p><p>Amanda can’t help but notice the intensity and attention that Maria gives Billie. She even offers to let Billie sit on her lap as she fusses throughout the entire meal.</p><p>After dinner, Sonny turns to Amanda. “Are you doing OK?” he asks quietly as they clear the table together.  Amanda nods.</p><p>“Your mom is an even better cook than you… I’m going to get fat.” Amanda knew when she returned to SVU, Fin and Olivia would know how much time she spent with Sonny, given how much weight she has gained within the last week.<br/><br/>Sonny smirks, “Well, it wouldn’t hurt you to gain a few pounds…”</p><p>         _________</p><p>“Dominick, you’re really watching that garbage again?” Maria scolds as she holds Billie in their living room. "Come on, I didn’t watch last week’s episode,” he whines, pointing at the TV. “You made me watch that horrible English baking show competition.”</p><p>“You like watching ‘Dancing With The Stars'?” Amanda asks, sitting next to him. “Yeah, it’s a little addicting…sort of my guilty pleasure,” he says, holding a bowl of pretzels.</p><p>“Who do you think is going to win it?” she asks Dominick with a smile. Dominick sighs, “It’s a toss-up between that guy from Queer Eye and that girl from the Bachelor, in my opinion.”</p><p>Sonny comes into the room “Spicey still on it?”</p><p>Amanda nods.</p><p>"I think he's going to samba tonight," Amanda says, offering him some pretzels. "I can't miss that," he says, sitting down next to them. Maria looks over at him. "You watch that show, Sunshine?"</p><p>Sonny shrugs, "'Manda likes it."</p><p>Maria bounces from her knees in the same way that Sonny does when he holds a baby. “I’m going to teach the girls how to make some Italian cookies to save them a few brain cells…” she says, leaving the room.</p><p>Dominick turns to Sonny.  “Your girl has good taste in TV. Your mom only watches those English baking shows and Dateline.” Amanda shakes her head, “I hate Dateline. The cases are always so obvious...”</p><p>“The husband or boyfriend always did it,” Sonny and Amanda say at the same time, smiling at each other. They are silent for a minute as Dominick stops munching on his pretzels and looks over at them.  </p><p>Dominick leaves the room during a commercial break to grab some drinks for them, and Sonny smoothly puts his arm behind Amanda's neck. He gently touches her arm and Amanda trembles. He can visibly see goosebumps on her arms. "You’re freezing.”</p><p>“Carisi…” she whines as he takes a throw blanket and puts it over her.</p><p>“Humor me, Rollins,” he says as he tucks her in. He had forgotten how cheap his dad is with the heat. Amanda can’t help but snuggle into his side. “Better?” he whispers. Amanda nods, closing her eyes – he always felt so warm. “I’m going to end up falling asleep…” she says as she leans closer into him.</p><p>She looks up at him, realizing he must be even more tired than she is, “How much sleep did you get with Billie last night on the couch?” she asks. He looks down at her, trying not to yawn “I got enough.” Dominick comes back into the room, noticing how closely they are cuddled together as he sets some beers down on the coffee table. Jesse bringing in an armful of Italian cookies.</p><p>“Dad- you think you can turn on the heat? We’ve got guests…”</p><p>“Come on. It’s not even snowing!”</p><p>“Not everyone is used to cold weather. Amanda grew up in Georgia.”</p><p>Sonny looks over at Jesse as she places cookies on the coffee table. In his mind, she’s turning blue before his eyes.“Jess, are you cold?”</p><p>Jesse nods. Sonny gives an annoyed look to Dominick. Sonny sighs as he takes off his Fordham Law sweatshirt and puts it on, Jesse. It’s way too big for a three-year-old. But he adjusts the sleeves, and she’s wearing it like a dress. “Better?” Jesse nods. Sonny gives his father another annoyed look. “Junior, don’t look at me like that. You didn’t freeze to death when you were a kid.”</p><p>Dominick sighs and mutters under his breath about the cost of gas during the winter before agreeing to turn up the heat.</p><p>Amanda does dose off for 15 minutes, the entire time Dominick watches them transfixed as Jesse twirls her feet during each dance routine with her stuffed dinosaur and eats cookies during each commercial break. Sonny moves his arm just enough for Amanda to wake up for the elimination round.</p><p>“So, Amanda, are you Catholic?” Dominick asks.</p><p>“Episcopalian,” Amanda answers. His eyes widen, “They’re the contemporary ones with women priests and everything?”</p><p>Amanda nods with a smirk. Sonny looks over at his father, annoyed. “Are you Italian?” Dominick asks Amanda. She shakes her head, “I think my people are Irish and Welsh mainly…”</p><p>Dominick nods. Sonny shakes his head, “Dad, what’s with the third degree?”<br/><br/>“I’m just making conversation…” he says. Jesse looks over at Sonny holding her stuffed dinosaur between her arms. “We’re honorary Italian. Because we’re honorary Carisi’s. Right, Uncle Dominick?”</p><p>Sonny nods with a smile, gently touching her cheek.</p><p>“<em>Uncle Dominick?</em> You're getting a little formal there, Sonny,” Dominick teases. Sonny rolls his eyes with a sigh.<br/><br/>“It’s a special name, only mommy and I can call him that…” Jesse explains. Sonny can sense that Jesse doesn’t understand his father’s sense of humor. She’s sensitive, just like he had been as a kid. Dominick looks up at Sonny, surprised. “Oh,” he says, his eyes questioningly. Dominick looks over at Amanda, “I’m just joking… he’s never really brought home a girl before.”<br/><br/>“And you wonder why,” Sonny sighs.</p><p>“You just make it so easy to mess with you.” Sonny rolls his eyes. The source of all of Dominick and Sonny’s disagreements had been his sensitivity. Sonny didn’t find his father’s teasing as playful as he meant it to be. Amanda bit her lip, realizing she and Sonny had one-thing in common when it came to their families – <em>daddy issues</em>.</p><p>Amanda looks over at Jesse, “I think it’s almost bedtime…”<br/><br/>Jesse whines, looking up at Sonny. “You listen to your mom. I’ll be in to say goodnight.” Jesse looks down at her dinosaur. “You’re not staying with mommy and me?”</p><p>Sonny looks at her curiously. “Won’t you be lonely?” Jesse asks, looking up at Sonny with a sad look, “You usually sleep with mommy…”<br/><br/>Dominick laughs as Amanda’s face turns bright red. Sonny looks at Jesse, he should be mortified, but really he’s in awe. “Jess, how did you know that?”</p><p>He had been so careful to wake up before the girls so he wouldn’t be caught in Amanda’s bed. Jesse shrugs, “There hasn’t been a blanket or a pillow on the couch since Saturday. You haven’t been sleeping, there… Except for last night.”</p><p>He looks up at Amanda with a proud smile. She was so smart. He looked back at Jesse with amazement, “That’s some pretty good detective work. Are you sure you want to be a lawyer?” Sonny asks with a smile. Jesse nods her head. “OK, Counselor.”</p><p>Dominick coughs.</p><p>“You know, Sonny’s got a double bed in his room, and we’re Catholic, but we’re not prudes. You two are young people in love-” Dominick looks up at Amanda as she continues to have a mortified expression. Sonny sighs, running a hand over his face “Dad…<em>stop</em>.”</p><p>Jesse looks up at Amanda, clutching her stuffed animal closer. “He should sleep with you, mommy. He loves you.”<br/><br/>Dominick laughs out loud as Sonny runs his hand over his face. “OK Jesse, I think we need a bath and a bedtime story, <strong>now</strong>,” Amanda says, leaving the room quickly, as Jesse whines, “Uncle Sonny does the voices better.”</p><p>Sonny watches them leave the room with a smile. Dominick notices it. He shifts in his seat, looking over at his son, “I know your mom asked you about the little one… but that one she isn’t…?"</p><p>Sonny shakes his head sadly, resting his elbows on his knees.</p><p>“<em>Freaky</em>,” Dominick whispers. “You were a lot like that when you were little. She’s cute. They all are. I can see why you’ve fallen for them.”</p><p>Sonny swallows, leaning back. He was waiting for his father to make some lame joke, as he usually did, and he reminds himself what his mother told him long ago… no matter how offended Sonny would be, his father didn’t really mean it.</p><p>Dominick looks over at him. “Your mom says you talked about Amanda a lot.” He had also talked a lot about Amanda with his father. But Sonny sighs; per usual, he didn’t believe his father hadn’t been listening. “I like her. She’s got spunk.”</p><p>Sonny sighs, “She likes you too.” For the life of him, Sonny couldn’t understand why. He always had a better relationship with his mother. Dominick looks over at him with a smirk, “How long have you two been like Ken and Barbie?”</p><p>“We’ve only been on one date… but we’ve been friends for a long time.”</p><p>Dominick nods. Sonny was still waiting for it – another incident he’d have to pretend never happened. Instead, his father studies him seriously. “You know Nonna left her ring in the Will for you.”</p><p>Sonny sighs. He knew what would come; next, his father would say something like ‘<em>Maybe you should give it to that Barba guy</em>.’ But instead, his father looks at him in the eyes, and he can see he’s serious... He’s trying to have a genuine heart to heart. And they’ve never really had one before.</p><p>Sonny sits up straighter, his brows furrowing, “I promised Teresa when Mia was born that Mia could have it.”</p><p>“But that was before… She’ll understand.” Sonny scoffs; his sister Teresa and the word <em>understand</em> would never belong in the same sentence together. “She’ll get over it,” Dominick corrects himself.</p><p>“Dad, what are you saying?”</p><p>Dominick shrugs, “Well, she’s the one, isn’t she?”</p><p>It had taken Sonny forty years to introduce his parents to a girl. He had girlfriends, of course, but he had never really brought one home to meet them. He had never wanted to share this part of his life with them, but Amanda was different. She had always been <em>different.</em></p><p>Jesse. Billie. Amanda. They were apart of him. They always had been.</p><p>Dominick coughs as he takes out an old grey ring box from his pocket. Sonny looks down at it. When his favorite grandmother had left it in her Will – it seemed like a nice gesture but, he never felt he would have someone to wear it. That’s why he offered to give it to Mia; he had wanted to keep it in the family. He knew his grandmother would have wanted that.</p><p>Sonny’s hand trembles slightly as he takes it from Dominick’s hands, “It’s pretty terrifying when you find the one… I remember your mom scared the bejeezus out of me.”</p><p>To Sonny, marriage represented <em>commitment</em>- a promise to never be alone. It meant a family of his own. It was everything he had ever wanted with Amanda.</p><p>He opens the box. It’s been so long since he has seen his grandmother’s ring in person. He adored his grandmother. He imagines her ring on the hand of another woman he idolizes, and it does something to him.</p><p>“I think my mom would have liked her…” Dominick says, thinking out loud. Sonny smiles sadly; he can imagine Jesse baking cookies with his grandmother and mother just like he had when he was little. “She would have been a good Bisnonna.”</p><p>Sonny looks down at the ring.</p><p>It’s nowhere close to the rock that Pollack gave Amanda. It’s a single solitaire on a white gold band. But it’s like him, traditional, old and simple. He can’t stop himself from wondering if Amanda would like it.</p><p>Sonny knows Amanda says she would do anything for him, but he realizes that marriage may be the one exception. But he can’t help imagining what it would be like. How nice and natural it would feel to spend every day with her.  </p><p>He swallows sadly, looking down at it “‘Manda doesn’t believe in marriage. Her parents got divorced when she was little, and her dad wasn’t a great guy. She hasn’t seen him in over a decade.”</p><p>Dominick’s eyebrows scrunch as he scratches his neck.</p><p>“Well, you just have to convince her…”</p><p>Sonny looks closer at his father as Dominick touches his shoulder.</p><p>“…Sonny, I sort of promised a little girl you’d marry her mother, and you’d be her daddy.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
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  <p><br/><a href="https://imgbb.com/"></a><br/>(c)<a href="https://harknessjack.tumblr.com/">harknessjack</a></p>
</div><b>#UncleDominick</b><p>This was meant to be a filler chapter and it's perhaps the longest one to date. Not sure how a filler chapter gave me such trouble but this one did... A lot has been going in real life - that made me need a little hiatus. Thanks for hanging in there with me!  All the comments, subscription love, and kudos warm my heart. </p><p> <br/>So much has been going on in this fandom - some seriously amazing fics out there (especially <b>#DaddyCarisi</b> related). I love it when I see some fics that seem inspired by this one too (that warms my Daddy-loving Carisi heart). I especially like seeing how people have nicknamed the Jesse's in their stories as "Counselor" or refer to her as a future ADA. :) In my mind, she's 100% Sonny and Billie is 100%, Amanda...</p>
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